HowTo:Speed up human evolution

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

In the beginning all creatures were simple single-celled organisms with few abilities and no gold. As they progressed through life and gained experience, the great Charles Darwin blessed some creatures with increased abilities and magic. These increments were rewards for bravery, intelligence, killer instinct and finding pretty gems. Our ancestors were of course the greatest of them all and therefore evolved fastest, finally producing Benny Lava, saviour of mankind, pinnacle of evolution. But now, after generations of supremacy, it appears that mankind has hit a "block" in its evolution. How can we speed it up? Why should we speed it up? ....and why are there those who have failed to evolve to our level?

Why should we speed up evolution

Traditionally, Evolution has only been possible through being a cool cat and doing things of a groovy nature. This is all good but because of exponential experience level requirements for level-ups humans now need to wipe out an entire species every day to make any kind of evolutionary progress at all. While we are currently following this policy to prevent total un-shaggyness, it is probably not sustainable in the long term. By learning to accelerate our own evolution we can avoid the murder of millions of innocent animals every day. We have to be just a little more sexy and we wil atract the sexual advances of highly evolved alien races.

Failed and Undesirable methods of speeding up evolution

Not all evolution is good

Of course not all evolution is good. There have been some failed attempts and unethical expirements that had to be shut down. Here are some bad examples:

No Child Left Behind

The goal of this expirement was to create a generation of super children that could perform psychotelekenesis. Everyone was really thrilled about this program, and even though it was unpopular, quickly became the law of the land. Unfortunately, it quickly became a clusterfuck as it was revealed that it was just an excuse for Ted Haggard and Mark Foley to molest more children. As a result, there has just been more public schools closed and more sexually satisfied closet cases. I, for one, am beginning to think there won't be any psychotelekenesis at all.

Theocracy

Another well-meaning, but failed experiment was theocracy. It was hoped with this theocracy, we could throw all the people who couldn't have or didn't want kids in jail by banning all forms of birth control. This however back-fired because some people began to experiment with sodomy. However, the population did increase, but the gene pool stayed just a shallow. We now simply have a bunch of kids running around knocking at your door at sex in the morning to harass your pregnant wife about God, Gods, or no God or Gods at all. While a total failure we have achieved a mail order bride program with an advanced alien race of slave drivers. We hope in the near future to benefit from the demise of these aliens in the form of raw assets from last wills and testiments of returning alien widowers.

Bleach

iiieeeeeeee...

What can we do?

Some Ideas

• Genetic engineering
• Artificial selection. You know the story; put all the losers in a space ship and send them off to some shit hole of a planet
• Reprogramming the universe
• Read the Darwin Awards and subsequentially kill self a manner that was inspired from the Darwin Awards. However, this may backfire under copyright infringement and though you may have taken yourself from the gene pool, you would have awarded stupidity and other unhealthy behaviors and bio-chemical conditions.
• Play with the cat
• See other ideas below

How can you make these happen?

eat more alien ass and be known as the planet of whores or ¨easy species". Being known for great advances in oral sex are a definite plus.

Vote Democrat

This would result in a global war, which would kill off all who were to weak to survive. Said war would produce the next line of kick ass video games for the next 50-100 years

Vote Republican

This could well result in the eventual slaughter of all society; effectively natural selection would be null. No video games will come of this, Though more cristian churches will probably pop up all over the globe.

Read Windows for Dummies

this technique has been known to put readers into a trance after which they can produce excessive amounts of saliva. This saliva if rubbed over a dead animal would in many cases revive them in a zombie state asking for comands. You can use these minions as a task force for capture and training of future sex slaves of particular genetic superiority. They are most effective in procuring big titted blond women in cotton panties. The paperclip in most older versions of microsoft word will, if treated with respect, teach you secrets of dna he has learned from research papers he has read while the user was jerking off to internet porn. His most common request is a web cam recording of you masterbating to Hilary Clinton.

Oral Bestiality

This is the favorite amongst the Darwin Awards crowd....and it is by far the most compassionate way to speed up human evolution. What this entails is actually drinking the semen of animals after a sexual relatonship is developed between you and it. The most productive of these symbiotic relationships is of a korean man and his partner Moshito,a humback whale. After consuming abhout 12 gallons of whale semen a day for about a month he developed the power to cook any meal just by rubbing his testicals over it for a few seconds. His hair has also grown back in a devilish red.

Grenade Hunting in Forests

Ever found yourself with a whole forest of creatures that jst run too fast to be shot, well never fear a new tactic is being used all over the world wich shows great promise as a new foundation in hunting. From the clasic pineapple to the new shape charges being developed you have a new arsenal of hunting options for all your killing needs. Why shoot a dear and cook it when you could do both to it and all the surounding animals at once. Hunting accidents should see a rapid decrease since killing has never been easier.

Read the Bible!

Yes, even the bible, with its poorly translated and construed passages can instruct YOU how to speed up human evolution. By reading the bible over a ouija board and spliing wine all over both you can envoke the inspiration of a deamon near you. These deamons can range from former war criminals to serial killers of great fame and prestige. A simple inconvenience of possesion is all thats stopping you from having the power of levitation and backwards crabwalking. As an added insentive, balls come with the procedure.

Eat at PETA

Serving a variety of abused animals that were sadly saved too late. We should honor these poor animals that gt help a little too late by eating them their pain was not in vain.

Go rock climbing with your dad

Do this in honor of the late James T Kirk. He was known to wear T-shirts asking of us to climb a rock. Though his son was brutally killed by a klingon he never lost his love for climbing.