HowTo:Make Up Statistics

“99.9% of germs are killed every spray with Lysol.”

~ Television

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Hello children. My name is Jacques Derrida, and I am here to teach you about sexual reproduction and how to make all your wildest --

“ What? You're suppose to be talking about how to make statistics... ”

Oh crap. Sorry children. I forgot where I was for a second... Anyway, 40% of people make up statistics to compensate for some short coming. See what I did there? I made up a statistic. There's no possible way to prove if that is accurate or not. Hell! It should probably be higher than that, with all those goddamn compulsive liars out there claiming to have Lamborghini's to pick up drunk chicks at the bar. That's what I did last night... What?

Why would you want to make up statistics?

That's a very good question you little fucktard. And thanks for interrupting me yet again. How would you like it if someone were to constantly interrupt you? Huh?!? You know 90% of children who talk out of turn get molested by their grandpa? You want that happening to you? No? Then shut the fuck up.

Okay. Back to what I was saying. There are a multitude of reasons to make up statistics. It is a proven fact that if you don't make up statistics, then your CD player won't play your vinyl records. That would be horrible. But don't worry. I just made it up. Your vinyl's will play no matter what.

See, if you don't make up statistics, God will hate you.

More facts about making up statistics

It is a well-known fact that some guy once said that 98% of made up statistics have helped humankind. Well, if you not for these made up statistics, we would still be bashing each others skulls in with rocks. The Pharaohs of ancient Egypt claimed that if the people didn't build them the pyramids, the sun God Ra would smite them. You like the pyramids, right? Had the Pharaohs not lied, they wouldn't have been built. And had Moses not lied about the Ten Commandments, we wouldn't have Christianity. The movie the Ark of the Covenant wouldn't have been made.

Every year, enough statistics are created to circle the earth 117 times. Also, fat chicks respect guys that make up stuff. Telling a fat girl that she is skinny is a great way to get pussy. They fall for it all the time.

2008 election

As you are well aware, most polling done during the 2008 election has been made up. Come on, Hillary Clinton being beaten by some new guy? What the fuck? It's bunk. 97% of the votes weren't counted in the Democratic primaries.

On the other hand, 100% of Republican votes were counted. In fact, an extra 17% of votes were made up. This proves once more that Republicans are honest. Remember the one time Al Gore tried to lie about the number of votes he got against President Bush? Well, Bush used his infinite wisdom to create more votes in his favour. This was how he won the 2000 election, but that's not what I was talking about.

Anyway, after seeing how Barack Obama had 85% of the peoples support prior to the actual election day, CNN and the rest of the liberal media decided to lie about each candidates support and continuely claimed Obama and John McCain were very close in the polls. This was to insure the idiotic American public would tune into the news everyday so they'd have higher ratings. Of course, it worked.

When the actual election happened, 81% of the votes were for Ralph Nader. Nader was immediately inaugurated and fixed the economy like no other president had ever done. 77% of Wall Street investors were executed for their epic failing. 27% of blacks thought this was great.

The Process

Don't let Hitler rape this bunny.

Now it is time for me to tell you HOW to actually make up statistics.

The first thing you should do is to check that you are Dan Quayle-mada. If you are not in the Dan Quayle-mada, do not panic - you can still make up bollocks, just not quite as well as he can. It is recommended that you join though, as it will greatly increase your ability to make up crap. And it helps your digestion, too.

Well, the next thing you should do is to choose something that everybody likes, or that is considered "fun", to make stuff up about. Now, think up a dire result of said action (i.e., Hitler will come back from the dead and rape your bunny). Now, combine said action with said result, and add a number (preferably a large number). If you want, you can even add one of these things "%". Be wary of using thirds, a half of all thirds are fifty-fourths poisonous in one out of every ten cases.

Examples of made up statistics

More than 500 cute baby animals were killed in the making of this ad.

• Saddam Hussein's Weapons of Mass Destruction are 45 minutes away.
• Masturbation resulted in the death of over 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (and so on) kittens.
• Your mom is 100% a fat whore.
• If you were to lay all of the fish in the Pacific Ocean from one end to the other, most of them would die, every year.
• About a quarter of half the people who read this 80% through or more will have the insatiable urge to lie two-thirds of the time to one-tenth of the people they know.
• 12% of incarcerated people watch The Family Guy but only 8% of them get it.
• 43% of all people who have lived 67% of their life or more will die one day.