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Has your article been featured? No? Good, now listen up. Or should that be read up? Whatever; getting your article featured on the front page isn't actually that hard.
Know your audience
Always have a firm idea about the reader to whom you are writing. (If you say "myself", please leave right now.) Who is the audience? Let's see. If someone can write a page about, um..... Denise Milani's breasts, for example, that proves that most users on Uncyclopedia are 99.7% straight males, 0.1% women, 0.1% gay and 0.1% frightening genderless lumps.
Picking a subject
Now think of a good subject. No, not that, that's rubbish, we don't need another article on Chuck Norris or Jesus. Come back when you've thought of something good. Maybe ask your mum for ideas. Just come back in ten minutes. Actually, better make it a couple of days.
5 minutes later
That was quick. Ok, don't tell me what you came up with, because I'll steal it. Let's go then.
How long will it take to get featured
Nobody knows how long it will take. Your page may never be featured, maybe because it's just stupid and not funny. Or maybe because the people reading it have a stick up their ass.
The easy way
The easiest way to get featured is to track down an admin and threaten to kill their family. Or if they hate their family, as is the case with ChiefjusticeDS, you could have sex with them instead. If they don't feature your article then it's probably because you're crap in bed. Alternatively you could follow this simple method.
The hard way
Take your subject, research it (God forbid, consult Wikipedia), search Uncyclopedia to see if someone's already written something similar. Then, after reading their attempt and laughing your head off, go and blank the page like a arrogant 12-year-old and give the administrators more work to do, or rather undo.
After you've finished it, ask someone who can write better than you to look at it and help make it good. Then when your article is featured, say screw him! and take all the credit for yourself. They may be angry with you and get all 4chan on your ass. 4chan is full of people just waiting to hack you and find out who you are like they did to that "cat in the bin" lady. Overkill, I say. Some call it progress.
What won't get it featured
Now if you don't put any of these in you article you're sure to get that shiny template that no one cares about. First, DO NOT put pictures edited using MS paint unless you’re really good. And when I say really good, I don't mean Picasso good, I mean that it should actually look like something that exists. That one on the right is good isn't it? It took me all day to do. What do you mean it's rubbish? It's meant to be rubbish.
Finally, never ever go into a list. Don't create them. If you find one, don't add just one more thing unless it takes it in a fun new direction. If you disobey this, do not put it in the 100 worst lists or something.