HowTo:Get Banned from a Protest Camp

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“Getting banned is one of those life phases; like puberty or world domination”

~ Oscar Wilde on getting banned

Do not make your place well at home.

Are you perennially accepted with open arms wherever you bed down? Do you always find a place by the campfire and a nice tent waiting for you?? Tiresome, isn't it??? This is how you get banned from a protest camp.

I bet you'd just love to take that f***er and hurl it into the fire - so that someone, anyone, would cast you into exile for once, just to show that they don't care. I mean, all the really cool people get banned (or even arrested) all the time, so why not you? Is there something wrong with you maybe? Were you, perchance, stamped with accepted at the first protest camp you visited?

Lou Reed walked on the wild side and he got banned all the time - especially from the NYC Woman's Institute and Bridge Club. The wild side sure sounds exciting doesn't it? And it's a long long way from the dull side that you currently inhabit. So, here it is - your final article before you get on the train, taxi, bicycle, bus (or whatever mode of transport) to the protest camp.

Welcome to this informative yet non-comprehensive instructional guide to getting the gate slammed on your ass as you are unceremoniously thrown on to the sidewalk by some f***ing hippies like the gutter-feeding, petty-whining, ass-vomiting tripe bucket that everyone else knows you are.

Are you ready? Then we'll begin.

You will know it is time to turn the page when Tinkerbell rings her little bell, like this:


Ban Tips[edit]

A counterprotester about to get banned.
  1. Annoy the ladies. You can try addressing them as "Miss" or "Ma'am" constantly, even after being asked to knock it off. Yes, by gosh, there are a few n00bs out there that didn't know this. Hoo hah! For an extra bonus, may we suggest that you throw their clothes into the fire whilst they are in bed?
  2. Annoy the men. You can trying addressing them as "Sir" constantly, even after being asked to knock it off.
    • If that don't work, address them like a US Marine Corps recruit in basic training addressing their Senior Drill Instructor. In other words, the first and last words out of your fewer little sewer will be "Sir". And you will stand to attention when addressing them whilst sounding off like you've got a pair.
  3. Annoy transgender non-binary persons by addressing them as a gendered title constantly, even after being corrected. Failing that dead name them by using their birth name. Failing that switch to addressing them as "you faggot". Show no remorse if you get told off, or even tell person correcting you to "go fuck yourself".
  4. Deface all the signs and replace them with far right slogans e.g. "DEPORT ALL FOREIGNERS".
  5. Write some random shit onto protest camp structures.
  6. Take loads of f***ing shits in the wrong parts of the camp.
  7. Harass the women. Period.
  8. Keep chanting counter protest slogans after at least one other camper tells you to shut up.
  9. Declare your support for Israel, or failing that the Druze constantly, even after being told to sit down and shut up.
    • Failing that respond by telling that person to take their own advice, or even go fuck themselves.
  10. Write a nasty note to the camper that keeps telling you to shut up.
  11. Complain to other protest movement leaders that a camper keeps telling you to shut up.
  12. Send an email to every organiser in your movement to report that a camper keeps telling you to shut up.
  13. Put drawings of penises on every protest camp structure you see.
  14. Litter tons of protest camp structures with expletives.
  15. Vandalize other protest camps, and then boast about it around the camp fire.
  16. Call the Police on another camper because he/she/they cleaned up your vandalism.
  17. Post shockporn at random locations around the camp.
  18. Send poorly written hatemail to fellow protest campers.
  19. Vandalise protest camp buildings, structures, caravans and/or tents.
  20. Tell other campers that they're f***ing sadists. Even if they are, you can't say so.
  21. Chant "ARMED POLICE! PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!", even when there's no cops about.
    • Want to get arrested to boot? Do it when there's actual cops within earshot. That will likely get you arrested for obstructing or interfering with them.
  22. Shout "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" even when there's no fire around.
    • Want some additional fun? Do those two things in the middle of the night. Rules stink, right?
  23. Call the cops on every f***ing crime that you witness at the protest camp. But make sure to f*** off first, so you don't get stabbed you retard!
  24. Call the fire department on every fire that you see in the camp not including the camp fire. Can't be asked to wait? Call in the campfire itself. No campfire? Just make one up as you go along. Or report a stuck pussy up a tree.
  25. Call an ambulance for the silliest medical complaints multiple times.
    • No complaints? No problem. Just make it up as you go along.
  26. Is everyone on their best behaviour? The bossy campers keeping everyone in line? No problem, just f*** off, then get the Police to raid (and preferably shut down) the camp anyway by making up an emergency. And that camp's likely getting shut down.
  27. Still welcome at the camp? Then call the Police, and falsely report a bomb at the camp. That will likely get the camp throughly searched, plus force everyone to deal with being interrogated by the cops, or worse. Only do as a last resort. But think twice before trying this shit, you might not want to f*** about with it.

See also[edit]