HowTo:Defy gravity
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“Easy!”
“I pity the fool who can't float in the air like Mr. T!”
Are you bored? Ever wish you could fly without paying money to have yourself stuffed in an aerodynamic container inundated with a sea of dipshits? Wish that you could join the aerial ranks of birds and spandex equipped superheros? Or maybe your sick of living on the same planet as Britney Spears? Well, this article will help you achieve all these things, and more, through the magic of anti-gravity.
What is Gravity?
Now you're probably wondering, "What is gravity?" Well, if you've paid attention in physics class, you would probably know that now wouldn't you? But don't blame yourself for your inexplicably short goldfish like attention-span, for I will grace you with the knowledge you seek.
“Who is this shithead?”
Gravity was invented by God over 4.3 billion years ago to prevent man from breaching his heavenly domain (like he has in the past). It is basically the invisible force that binds you to this barren rock planet, and the only thing that separates you from your floating aspirations. Its the force that keeps all the celestial bodies in orbit and not colliding with each other in a cataclysmic frenzy of destruction.
Risks of defying gravity
Ever since God invented the law of gravity, many have valiantly tried to resist his divine resolution and as a result suffered the horrific consequences. These are the people who ultimately failed in their anti-gravitational pursuits.
- Icarus and Dad (Ancient Greece):
- Method of Defying Gravity: Equipped himself with a pair of wax wings
- Result: Shot down by God's super powered heat vision
- Alladin (Islamabad):
- Method of Defying Gravity: Flying carpet
- Result: Crashed while having intercourse
- Yuan Huangtao (Ancient China):
- Method of Defying Gravity: Strapped himself to a kite
- Result: Executed for making air pollution
- Leonardo Da Vinci (Italy):
- Method of Defying Gravity: First attack helicopter in history
- Result: Shot down by God for heresy
- Adolf Hitler (Nazi Germany):
- Method of Defying Gravity: giant flammable balloon
- Result: Turned into a fireball
Methods of Defying Gravity
This section will discuss the various aspects necessary for you to defy the very laws of physics. Now there are numerous ways for you to defy gravity, many of which have been tried and proven successful.
Conventional Method
What you're going to need:
- a commercial airliner
- access to a commercial airliner
What you have to do:
- buy an airplane ticket
- get on the designated airplane
- wait a few seconds
- pay outrageous prices for a pillow
gather a cat and a peice of toast, glue the toast to the cat with the butered side up. acording to murphy both have to land first, so either the cat and the toast will hover or the universe will bend so both sides can touch the earth at the same time
Well done, you have just defied gravity.
Cheapskate Method
Effective for deadbeats and poor people.
What you're going to need:
- Speed of a cheetah
- Balls that clank
What you have to do:
- Pick an airplane
- Dash past airport security
- Get on the designated airplane
- Hide in luggage compartment
- Wait a few seconds
Well done, you have just defied gravity and been branded as a terrorist by the CIA.
Rocket Method
What you're going to need:
- A rocket
- Plenty of rope
What you have to do:
- Tie yourself to a rocket
- Hang tight as the rocket propels you into the air
- Put on your spacesuit
“Wait, WHA ASPLODE!.”
Oh, I almost forgot...
You're also going to need:
- A spacesuit