HowTo:Defy gravity

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~ Oscar Wilde on defying gravity

“I pity the fool who can't float in the air like Mr. T!”

~ Mr. T on guys who can't defy gravity

Are you bored? Ever wish you could fly without paying money to have yourself stuffed in an aerodynamic container inundated with a sea of dipshits? Wish that you could join the aerial ranks of birds and spandex equipped superheros? Or maybe your sick of living on the same planet as Britney Spears? Well, this article will help you achieve all these things, and more, through the magic of anti-gravity.

What is Gravity?

Now you're probably wondering, "What is gravity?" Well, if you've paid attention in physics class, you would probably know that now wouldn't you? But don't blame yourself for your inexplicably short goldfish like attention-span, for I will grace you with the knowledge you seek.

Gravity is the only thing binding you to this barren rock planet.

“Who is this shithead?”

~ Oscar Wilde on the guy who made this article

Gravity was invented by God over 4.3 billion years ago to prevent man from breaching his heavenly domain (like he has in the past). It is basically the invisible force that binds you to this barren rock planet, and the only thing that separates you from your floating aspirations. Its the force that keeps all the celestial bodies in orbit and not colliding with each other in a cataclysmic frenzy of destruction.

Risks of defying gravity

Ever since God invented the law of gravity, many have valiantly tried to resist his divine resolution and as a result suffered the horrific consequences. These are the people who ultimately failed in their anti-gravitational pursuits.

  • Icarus and Dad (Ancient Greece):
    • Method of Defying Gravity: Equipped himself with a pair of wax wings
    • Result: Shot down by God's super powered heat vision
  • Alladin (Islamabad):
    • Method of Defying Gravity: Flying carpet
    • Result: Crashed while having intercourse
  • Yuan Huangtao (Ancient China):
    • Method of Defying Gravity: Strapped himself to a kite
    • Result: Executed for making air pollution
The cause of Leonardo Da Vinci's untimely aerial demise can be traced back to this guy.

Methods of Defying Gravity

This section will discuss the various aspects necessary for you to defy the very laws of physics. Now there are numerous ways for you to defy gravity, many of which have been tried and proven successful.

Conventional Method

What you're going to need:

  • a commercial airliner
  • access to a commercial airliner

What you have to do:

  • buy an airplane ticket
  • get on the designated airplane
  • wait a few seconds
  • pay outrageous prices for a pillow

gather a cat and a peice of toast, glue the toast to the cat with the butered side up. acording to murphy both have to land first, so either the cat and the toast will hover or the universe will bend so both sides can touch the earth at the same time

Well done, you have just defied gravity.

Cheapskate Method

Effective for deadbeats and poor people.

What you're going to need:

  • Speed of a cheetah
  • Balls that clank

What you have to do:

  • Pick an airplane
  • Dash past airport security
  • Get on the designated airplane
  • Hide in luggage compartment
  • Wait a few seconds

Well done, you have just defied gravity and been branded as a terrorist by the CIA.

Rocket Method

What you're going to need:

  • A rocket
  • Plenty of rope

What you have to do:

  • Tie yourself to a rocket
  • Hang tight as the rocket propels you into the air
  • Put on your spacesuit


~ You

Oh, I almost forgot...

You're also going to need:

  • A spacesuit

See also