Holy Week

Each of the apostles received a limited edition Holy Spirit card, which gives them the power to tell everyone what Jesus really meant, without question.

Holy Week was one of the most important weeks in the Catholic faith, that is until the holes were patched up and it became just like any other week. Even though every last hole and tear was confirmed to have been permanently patched by the Second Vatican Council and Holy Week was no longer holy, millions of Catholics refuse to stop celebrating this holiday, even up to this day (mostly because it gives them an excuse to stay home from work). Every single Muslim on the other hand have indeed stopped, though they never celebrated it in the first place, but that's beside the point.

Mister Monday

Holy Week, just like every other week, starts off with Monday! On this magical day good little Catholic boys and girls wake up about 2.46 hours before their parents, and run down the stairs in a frenzied excitement to see what jolly old Mister Monday left for them in their stockings, which were hung above the fireplace the previous night before the kiddies went to bed with dreams of sugar plums in their heads. And sure enough Mister Monday and his 12 tiny Sentinels had stuffed their stocking to the brim with brand new rosaries, Bibles, crosses, and educational pamphlets, and Mister Monday had taken exactly one bite out of one of the biscuits left for him, and had taken a small sip from the silver tea set.

Grim Tuesday

On this day the Grim Reaper comes to every household and promptly cuts off every Catholic's head who failed to go to mass every Sunday for the past year. This is followed by a quaint little picnic held by the survivors to celebrate still being alive, and to look forward to another year of faithful obedience. Then at approximately 2:31 p.m. it suddenly jumps to 2:34 p.m. which takes the scientific community by surprise every time. These missing three minutes is one of the many reasons the Holy Week is holey.

Drowned Wednesday

Next comes Drowned Wednesday, which is the day that John the Baptist accidentally drowned Jesus in the Jordan River, but don't worry! He came back to life three days later! In order to celebrate this miracle and to teach this life lesson of always wear a life jacket when swimming in the Jordan River, the Catholic Church takes young children and tosses them into a bucket of freezing cold water, an ancient ritual known as baptism. Lutherans also practice baptism, but it differs from the Catholic tradition in two minor ways, first there is no priest present, and secondly, the water is not as cold. Baptists on the other hand do nothing but baptize.

Sir Thursday

Holy Week, the series.

On this day everyone goes to church to see all the little children put on the annual Sir Thursday pageant. This cute little play tells the tale of Sir Thursday's adventures and mishaps during the thirty-year war which was fought between German Protestants and German Catholics (Thursday fought on the Catholic side). It's a very entertaining piece, and not only is it entertaining, but it also teaches the young children about the evil Protestants. There is this nice little bit at the end when Jezebel is cleaved in two by the victorious Sir Thursday, who then proceeds to destroy the evil black tower of the devil with a holy piece of cloth. For some reason the least popular kid in class always gets the part of Jezebel.

Good Friday

Good Friday never actually shows up. Scientists all around the world wish to explain these strange lapses and holes in the time-space continuum, but alas, since they are scientists they don't ever attend religious holidays, so this strange phenomena has been left unexplained. This is the day that Jesus comes back to life from his Jordan River incident, only to be crucified by the Romans and Hebrews.

Half-way Decent Friday

The Friday following Holy Week, nothing interesting ever happens on this day Forward.

Superior Saturday

This day is seriously lacking some Jesus.

Palm Sunday

Farfetch'd, the physical form of the Holy Spirit, descends from heaven once a year on Palm Sunday to deliver palms to good little boys and girls

“I've never had so much fun in my entire life...”

~ Vintage Jesus

Jesus, the great savior of the world, comes back to life, and all the people rejoice by going back into their regular routine. This day is celebrated by going to the nearest Middle Eastern country, declaring war on the palm tree, and then proceed to chop down every palm tree in sight. Then the holy spirit flies down from heaven, scoops up the palm leaves, and then delivers them to all the good little boys and girls across the world, and the naughty ones just get some palm tree sawdust. These palms are then distributed to everyone, though for some reason some people end up with a dozen, and others only one, these palms are then tied into various designs, the most common being the braid, cross, seaman's knot and the wicker Easter basket. These are then displayed on coat hangers, shelves and bedroom windows for an entire year, until Drowned Wednesday comes around again, when these palms are burned into ashes to heat the water for the baptisms. (But for some reason the water ends up being freezing cold anyways, probably because the ceremony before hand is so long-winded)

All else aside, Palm Sunday is the most important day of the year for Catholics, that is if you don't count Christmas, Easter, St. Valentine's Day, St. George's Day, St. Clement's Day, St. Patrick's Day, St. Saint's Day, All Saint's Day and weekends.