Haywards Heath
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“What did you just call me?”
“I'll set my brother on you.”
“Soames will present a great challenge come British Summertime.”
“Hit 'im in the 'ed, Brandon! Don't run away!”
A Haywards Heath is a brand of alcoholic beverage most commonly consumed at the "Wobbly Soames' Tory funbrothel" holiday resort in the South of England. It is the cause of many a modern controversy.
Origins[edit]
The Haywards Heath was first concocted by Nicholas Soames MP in 1989 mistakenly while he attempted to find a cure for morbid obesity. Shortly after its creation he was seen doing a cannonball dive off the end of Brighton Pier, stark naked. He was quickly condemned by an angered John Major, however Major quickly withdrew his comments after criticism from Brighton's aroused gay community. Soames presented the Prime Minister with the drink, who upon sampling it announced as the official drink of Sussex, hence why it can now be consumed by all above the age of four across the county.
The Creator[edit]
The Right Hon. Nicholas "Fatty Fudge McFlurry" Soames currently presides over the county of Sussex and is quoted to be "the best thing since sliced fat". His exact location at any given time is never known due to his ability to morph into any shape or form he wishes. It is believed that his sexual magnitude is so great that when he is in his true form all women in a 20 mile radius of him faint, it is said that he chose to reside in his "Man Whale" form to give every other man on the planet a chance at scoring. As well as bearing a resemblance to the irregular sperm whale, he is frequently seen on whale hunts around the vast seas of Iceland. Recently, he was arrested for allowing children to be towed in the carcass of a rotting whale he was planning to give his wife as an anniversary present. Unfortunately he is likely to be incarcerated as this is not his first offence, in 1928 he was cautioned for exposing himself to a pre-pubescent Margaret Thatcher.
His whale like appearance has been troublesome in the past, a visit to Japan led to a reward of 2 billion stocks in Sony being put on his head, it is believed that in Japan he is known only as the "White Whale".
The Recipe[edit]
Soames only entrusted "The Recipe" to a few, special brewers on the order of Major. However after his demise in 1997 Soames released "The Recipe" to the public on an obese whim.
Soames' monthly newsletter "The Fatty Times" stated the ingredients as a "winning concoction of an ineffective police force and the general degradation of society". Thus Soames has brought the joys of catatonic inebriation to many a cheeky child.
Others have attempted to copy the drink. The most famous attempt is that of Mikhail Gorbachev who in a ditch attempt to save his crumbling empire, pinpointed all the country's key resources into duplicating the recipe. On April 26 1986 it is believed that the Russians attempted to mix their ingredients in a big tub in the Chernobyl Power station, the result was the spontaneous creation of a nuclear explosion and many a happy memory.
Social Impact[edit]
The dramatic rise in under-age alcoholism, date rape and Rugby Lads in the Mid Sussex area has been pinned mostly on Soames' controversial invention. While before youths would spend their time engaging in more wholesome activities a rising percentage are turning towards Haywards Heath's sweet embrace. As a result, a number of rehab clinics have been founded by local philanthropists around the area to delay the coming of what many fear will be a Tory Dystopia. The most prominent of these rehab clinics (hidden from the youths suspicion under the guise of being "schools") Is "Oathall Community "College" ;-]". The wink emoticon and quotes around the word college are omitted from all documents that pass through the hands of "students" so as not to arouse suspicion. Mr Soames with his twisted agenda as it is sees Oathall as his sworn enemy and thus "lessons" are held under the cover of darkness to avoid his broily wrath.
Effects[edit]
“It's like Hiroshima in my mouth, and everybody's invited!”
It is a lesser known fact that after one sip of the drink there is a 50% chance that the consumer will die, however there is also a 50% chance that the consumer will orgasm, and for many this is worth the risk.
Competing Brands[edit]
Burgess Hill was an alcoholic beverage launched by The Coca-Cola Company in 1995. In an attempt to compete with Haywards Heath, the drink was handed out in free samples in cinemas and shopping centres. However, due to a rise in car theft and overall degeneration, the drink was banned almost entirely worldwide. In the late 90s an updated recipe was launched, under the moniker New Haywards Heath or Bolnore as it became known. However the extra pound of whale blubber and hand drawn pictures of a nude Nicholas Soames resulted in a taste so repelling that its sales not only fell under those of Burgess Hill but also the Richard Branson-owned Virgin Cuckfield. The product was later discontinued but can still be purchased round the back of the bike sheds at Oathall.
Mob Activity[edit]
The nationalisation of the Haywards Heath led to a rise in mob activity as rival distributors fought to gain the highest cut of the profits that the drink brought. In 2001 Sussex was not a safe place to be, the sounds of the county, once the chirping of birds, were replaced with the constant chatter of gun fire as the Bentswood Distribution Co. and the Soamesy Tubby Lard Lard Alcohol Corporation battled it out for shipping rights. The conflict officially ended on December 24th 2001 in a victory for the Tory-backed Soamesy Tubby Lard Lard Alcohol Corporation who scrapped victory after deploying their secret weapon .[1]
Labour Involvement[edit]
When Labour came into power in 1997 it promised to find a way to eliminate the Haywards Heath problem.
The Alcohol Unlimited Commission[edit]
Alcohol Unlimited was the first group commissioned by Labour to find a solution and was made up of a group of alcohol experts. They managed to create two solutions:
The Car Park Solution[edit]
The plan was to pave over West Sussex thus turning it into a giant car park. The far less superior East Sussex was to be wiped off the face of the Earth via the holding of a Madonna concert.
The Final Solution[edit]
The Final Solution was the most popular until it arose that the idea had been stolen from Hitler.
Change of Commission - Stanley and Son[edit]
The Commission was condemned for its stealing of Hitler's idea and thus was replaced by Stanley and Son, a firm of builders. Blair had a firm belief that these practical, down to earth men could find a solution. After four months of tea breaks the builders came up with a plan:
The Bypass Solution[edit]
Hailed as the greatest plan of all time by Tony Blair, the Bypass Solution would involve the creation of a giant 20 lane motorway skirting the edge of Sussex. Blair hoped that the bypass would end the need for contact with Sussex allowing it to drink itself into destruction.
Unfortunately the plan failed due to financial troubles. However the five mile stretch that was built still remains to day and stands as a constant reminder of the failures of Blair's Labour.
Mass Exodus of 2008[edit]
After Flirty Fatso Soames lost his driving license in 2007, business in local "eateries" (as Soames calls them, fat processing plants to everyone else), business in the Mid-Sussex area virtually dried up. Attempts to ferry Soames around on aircraft carriers failed. Other tubby wannabes tried to fill the gap, but no-one could emulate Soames' insatiable lust for bacon.
Widespread rioting in the Bentswood area led to terrified residents fleeing to local ghosttowns such as Bolnore village (population 0 in 2007, population 25,000c in June 2008).
With no local children to terrorise, Soames' Zanu-PF style police force began a terror campaign against Bolnore residents. Anyone found not occasionally feeding Soames was subject to the threat of rape, murder and what can only be described as "forced fat overdose".