Brighton Pier

A wild swarm attacks the pier shortly after it was made

Originally built shortly after the Big Bang, Brighton Pier sits on the south eastern coast of ENGERLAND. In 1054 until about 1600 the pier was used to dump toxic waste and human waste into the fresh waters of the british channel, and contained a small shack which sold sea water for £20 per bottle.

In 1650 the pier was brought by an Irish man who after a bet in a pub in dublin was asked to spend a fortune on making a Fun Fair 800 yards out in the ocean. The first rides installed in 1674 where TURBO, the worlds first rollercoaster to feature 3 ASDA shopping trolleys hurtling around some old scaffolding and Wild Mouse which was installed after scientists found giant mutated mice under the pier due to the waste disposal. Overtime the owner got into another bet seeing just how much weight he could put on the pier without it collapsing, and thus the other 4705 attractions where installed.

Between the years of 1850 and 1899 the pier installed a few restaurants (GLAMOURIZED FISH & CHIP SHOPS) and a arcade containing 250 identical machines of 'are you smarter than a 10 year old?'

In a vain attempt to stop him winning the beat a rival of the owner attempted to burn down the pier in 1945 but accidentally burnt down the West Pier after asking a cat for directions.

Wildlife

The Pier was built with the local wildlife in mind, the Great British Seagull was the first and only (due to their aggressive nature) of local birds to use it as their international target practice and thieving HQ. These birds where employed by the piers owner in 1701 for the sole purpose to steal and shit on food and merchandise meaning that people would have to purchase again.

The park have introduced signs after people felt the need to mock the birds with food which result in multiple deaths

Moving up the pier on foot with a hotdog or icecream is basically impossible as these blighters are not shy and will lurch for you with beaks sharpened. As a result 260 have died from seagull related attacks of which the most recent was drowned after 2 seagulls lifted him up and drowned him in the sea after an argument over which toy he won in the coconut shy. The piers owners have secured away of you getting from one end of the pier without being mugged of your food, buy paying £200 for a caddy ride to the end of the pier (of which the seagulls cannot pass due to a electrical shield)

The Fun Fair

The fun fair is the main reason people come to the pier. After navigating your way past the bombardment of seagulls and side games where you are dragged into throwing a ball at a stuffed clowns face for a 2nd hand cuddly toy which smells of cat piss. Only catch being that you must hit all the targets (separated by 3 metres) with one ball. Then being egged on by the operator who keeps telling you how fucking easy it is, and demonstrates by throwing the ball from 4cm into the targets meanwhile you stand 3 metres from them.

On arrival to the rides you notice you will need Tokens to go on any of the rides. So off you trot to the nearest dispenser. Installers of the Token machines where actually mistaken in the fact they thought that the user would buy the ride with the tokens rather than to ride it.

Now you gaze down at the board to see what you will pay for to ride...

SUPER BOOSTER - 950 Tokens (£950.00)

On arrival you are greeted by friendly staff who are all told "Your Number 1"

Turbo - 450 Tokens (£450.00)

BOOSTER - 950 Tokens (£950.00)

Horror Hotel - 400 Tokens (£400.00)

Wild River - 700 Tokens (£700.00)

CrazyMouse - 450 Tokens (£450.00)

All Other Rides - 200 Tokens (£200.00)

Now how exactly do you reckon the park actually gets you to buy these tokens. Its simple the machines and booths have a hidden subliminal message in the of which makes 75% of the british public reach for their wallet.

A couple reviewers of the park said...

"You would possibly get more change from £20000.00 than you would if you brought the park''

"The Turbo Rides ASDA shopping trolleys have been given an oil and now neck braces are supplied within the ride cost"

"Only 40 planks of the pier where missing today and only 2 children lost in the ocean"

Now as soon as you press the button to dispense to Tokens you must be ready to catch them from dropping out the deposit box at the bottom and conveniently sliding into the larger gaps in between the wood work of the pier. Carrying anything less than 2 body bags will not will able to carry the tokens for 2 of the big rides only one is required for the smaller ones.

A matting has been placed around the parks flooring so if you drop anything you will not lose it to the depths of the sea, but unfortunately these mats are not in places where you might decide to get some tokens out and you may watch half your coins fall into the sea only to be picked up by divers employed by the park.

Booster and Super Booster

Taken as four unfortunate riders freefall back down only to plow into the side of the pier

After queuing for 2hours alone to get on Booster and Superbooster you are greeted by one of Brighton Pier's happy staff who will hastily yell right in your face "GET OUT YOUR TOKENS READY FOR BOARDING" at the same time patting you on the shoulder hard at the same time as you get a handful out meaning you drop them. After you get on the ride you will be strapped into your ride by an over head restraint. On Super booster you stand up, so by the end of the ride males will have num nuts for the next day or so. Booster is a sit down but the harness comes down automatically and will lock at ONE point meaning if you are not as skinny as a rake you will have harness marks as a permanent feature. If being hauled up to over 100ft in the air over the sea wasn't enough the Super booster releases and swings back and fourth for along time after 10 nut numbing minutes the ride harness is released and you are scrapped of the ride for more to enjoy. As for the Booster you will be spun about with a set trajectory so ALL lose items and tokens will fall from your pockets into pre-laid nets which will then be put into the staff christmas raffle.

Horror Hotel (OF CRAPNESS)

Using live actors on this ride was key, one worker died during construction. His corpse was used well.

Behold the ride made new in 2008 this ghost train was made by building a ghost and ghoul resistant building then collecting and trapping poor innocent demons and ghouls for the public to laugh at. Owner of the park said in its opening day ceremony The Scariest ride ever, I had nightmares when i rode it After paying your thousand tokens to get on the ride you will be sat in old converted Barrel and send off into darkness up a spiraling hill in the dark with nothing more than a spider sound effect and someone screaming. Then the most thrilling part of going down a 2 foot drop into the main part of the ride, where you are welcomed by a worker with swine flu who pleasantly sneezes over you giving anyone sitting on the right hand side of the barrel swine flu. You then go into a series of rooms where lightning and shit sound effects attempted to scare you. Riders have come to believe a special effect of the ride is a white sheet where a figure pushes itself upon this but is in fact a real person tied to a hydraulic which wipes him on the shit covered sheet, On going through doors (which separate the themed rooms) in this ride airbags are required.

Turbo (Need For speed ASDA)

Simple yet effective, only 4 shopping trolleys have ever crashed.

This opened as one of the first rides in the fair. Containing nothing more than 3 ASDA shopping carts (which carry 4 riders each) and a bunch of scaffolding as track this ride only costs 450 tokens and contains a vertical loop where you get face planted by the trolleys handle bars in front of you due to the fact the loop is no more than 2 metres around. Held in by a bent pipe which which locks whilst opening meaning it can freely move means that riders feel secure though are not. Riders over the height of 6ft will not be able to ride as they may be decapitated by low bars and the tight loop. Neck braces are now provided for the ride (this happened at the beginning of 2008) after the parks decision to stop charing £50 for one after the ride which was vital.