Hampton Hill

Hampton Hill is a small town in South West London. It has a population of roughly 10,000 and nearby rail links placed at Fulwell and Hampton Stations. Bushy Park can be found towards the east, Fulwell to the north, Hampton to the south and the Seventh Circle of Hell to the west.

History

Hampton Hill was originally a major centre of administration in Mongolia, until it was conquered by Genghis Khan in 1206. This was part of a long-term expansion campaign into southern Mongolia and China.

Upon laying his eyes on Hampton Hill, Genghis ordered his troops to destroy the town and replace it with a new centre of administration, Karakorum. However, the chief Shaman of the city (who went by the name of Eric Pickles) used his divine pagan force fields and round-house kicks to transfer the city through time and space, thus allowing Hampton Hill to escape Mongol invasion.

Hampton Hill landed in Britain in 1863, to the astonishment of the local Badger population, who fled for the state of Bavaria and later fermented dissent, resulting in the Munich Putsch of 1923. The peoples of Hampton Hill instantly began a campaign of peace-loving compassion, which resulted in the construction of new schools, churches, libraries and Humpback Whale slaughter houses. To the surprise of many, such an institute failed to prevent the 1894 Hampton Hill Whale Disaster.

By 1900, the local Mongolian population of Hampton Hill had largely become integrated within the greater London populace. However, there were some notable exceptions. Unfortunately, many of the town's Mongolian administrative buildings were destroyed during Zeppelin bombing raids during World War I. As a result of this, in 1919 a petition was created by local parishioners, for the purpose of garnering support for the construction of a 1960s style block of flats and several tacky 1980s buildings (remember, the time-traveling Eric Pickles was still alive at this point).

During the World War II, Hampton Hill experienced an influx of Icelandic Communists. This was a result of the British invasion of Iceland, an event that is arguably the most well-remembered and significant event in human history.

Since World War II, Hampton Hill has become a haven for Militant Communists, Pimps, Rapists, Convicted Murders, exiled African dictators and Estate Agents. The town was briefly declared the capital of Mongolia in 1973, but this status was revoked three days later, after the current Mongolian president realised he had experienced another 'attack' of Genghis Khan delirium flu.

Demographics

The people of Hampton Hill are largely of native Mongolian descent (this contingent comprises 63% of the population). Despite this, Icelandic people constitute 12% of the population, whilst the remaining 25% remain completely anonymous due to tax purposes (i.e: tax evasion, cough).

Sport

The Tri-annual World-wide Spitting Archery Games take place on the Hampton Hill Cricket Grounds in Bushy Park. The games commence on the 3rd November every three years, and attract competitors from all countries minus most of them. Spitting Archery involves competitors attempting to launch their gorgeously crafted phlegm into a three centimeter target board three miles away. No one has yet won the prestigious gold medal, excluding Angela Merkel.

Other popular Hampton Hillian sports include Mini Golf and competitive Placenta eating.

Government

An inanimate carrot was elected mayor of Hampton Hill in 2008. Under its leadership, the town has seen a massive improvement of local services and infrastructure, including the building of a new library and the introduction of a Kenyan Farm-workers Commune (a fine institution that is commonly mistaken for a Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet.

Despite the supreme power of the mayor, the majority of the populace obey the statutes of the Great Genghis Khan. Such a Khan is found in the St James Church Cemetery, where he rises from the dead whenever a Snickers bar approaches. When such an event occurs (which is rare),the local people rush to the Cemetery in the vague hope of a blessing from the Khan. However, the Khan will only give you a blessing if you are a true believer of his power, and this 'believer status' can only be demonstrated by slaughtering a goat in front of him, whilst performing an erotic dance to the tune of 'I want to be Free' by Queen (band). Considering the whole of the town participate in this pseudo-Festival, reporters for the Richmond and Twickenham Times try to cover this vast spectacle, but fail to do so, on account of some sort of disease which placates their particulars. What, sorry?

Moving on swiftly, towards Transport!

Hampton Hill can be reached by rail and also on the Bus routes 285, R68 and R70. Passengers are advised to avoid traveling on the R68 at all costs. This is considering the high mortality rate on the R68's journey from Kew Retail park. The main reason of death is simply starvation and death-inducing boredom. Trust me, it's a long journey from Kew Retail Park.

Night-life

Hampton Hill is commonly known as 'The Night-Life capital of North West Europe' or 'The New Amsterdam'. Indeed, all your 'needs' can be serviced in Hampton Hill. Due to security arrangements with the local Night-Club (i.e: Tesco Metro), details of such 'services' can not be disclosed online. However, it can be said that after a few hours on the Hampton Hill pub-crawl, you will not want to leave the place any time soon.

The Prison

The Hampton Hill Minimum Security Prison was established by Tony Blair in 1954, as a result of a non-existent rise in crime in the borough of Richmond. The Prison is home to a motley crew of psychopathic criminals, who often entertain the elderly residents of Hampton Hill at Christmas time with their renditions of Shakespeare and Milton.

The Prison is indeed minimum security. It is housed on number 17 Eastbank Road, and is guarded by a cat named Sheldon. Access to data regarding escapees has been constricted by the Department of Truth.