Guile
“NO, NO!”
Guile is a high-ranking commander in the United States Air Force as well as a family man. He is haunted by the death of his war buddy Charlie and seeks vengeance against his murderer M.Bison (known as Vega in every other country). Guile faced a series of twelve fighters in a tournament among other assignments so that he could ultimately reach M. Bison/Vega. Though some military historians argue that Guile is his last name and one believes it to be his middle name, the vast majority believe it to be his first name. Jean-Claude Van Damme did not portray Guile in a movie despite a popular rumor stating that he did in 1994 alongside Kylie Minogue.
The birth of an American hero[edit]
Early childhood[edit]
Little is known about Guile's birth, though he seems to be a genetic fusion of Uncle Sam, Stonewall Jackson, and an Aryan (the latter being purely for aesthetics). Furthermore, legend has it that he was born with his American flag deltoid tattoos along with his army fatigues. At the age of two, a young Guile found himself abandoned in the Redwood forests. He successfully fended for himself until a bald eagle took him in as its own in 1975. The bald eagle raised the young soldier with care and tenderness, which may very well explain his solid beliefs in the way of family men. Sadly, a Japanese poacher bagged the avian caregiver with no apparent intent outside of killing. Guile explained his rage in a speech to his troops many years later as, unbearable; the desire to avenge [his] only parental figure: uncontrollable. His accounts of his confrontation with the poacher involve an adrenaline-fueled murder. The poacher stood no chance, seeing as Guile had learned the art of defying gravity from the slain eagle. He crouched only to swiftly project himself into the air. The killer tried to duck, but Guile placed a somersault kick right upon the crown of the man's skull. The hunter crumpled to the ground and then proceeded to emit one last bowel movement, serving as a victory bell for the young warrior.
Education[edit]
A six year old Guile built himself a dwelling alongside I-84 with fallen timber, vines, and the American spirit. The hut only had one room containing a bed and a firepit, but its extravagance was in the memorial he sculpted for the eagle that had raised him so lovingly. It stands ten feet tall and was carved from a redwood tree (park rangers did not arrest him seeing as they could not help but be touched by the patriotism). A tourist family found the orphaned Guile and immediately felt sorry for him. However, the family could not help but be impressed by the child's flawless English. Apparently Guile is so American that he was born with a full knowledge of the English language along with the bible and how to play football. The family proceeded to adopt him and immediately placed him in kindergarten.
Not much is known about his elementary school education outside of an incident during a kindergarten recess. He and his classmates were in the process of playing when he decided to show off his somersault kick. The kids were awed, but found that they could not perform the feat using a stationary jump. Most quit at falling on their posteriors, but one determined peer decided to climb to the top of the jungle gym for an attempt at the somersault kick. Upon reaching the top, the child jumped from the metal railing and flipped himself backwards. He appeared to be successful until he made like Greg Louganis and gracefully slammed his head on the aforementioned railing. The teachers were looking to suspend the young Guile, but he used his brilliant rhetoric to sway the teachers out of such a decision.
Puberty brought Guile larger amounts of muscle mass, aerodynamic hair down there, and patriotism. Nobody picked on him excluding the one scenario in which a Chinese student made fun of his tattoos. The young fighter proceeded to sobat kick the student back to his home in China, where his parents scolded him to the point of seppuku. Guile performed very well academically, and even won a science fair for his invention of industrial-strength hair putty.
High school proved to be no problem for the growing man, seeing as his evolved command of the English language alongside his superior performance in sports allowed him to become cooler than a York peppermint patty. He graduated as valedictorian and received a full-ride scholarship to the Air Force Academy. Notable acclamations aside from valedictorian include four years of lettering in three sports: football, wrestling, and track (shotput). The soccer team pursued him due to his leg, but he is a true American.
Air Force experience[edit]
Air Force Academy[edit]
Guile again received straight a's, and most notably led the Air Force Falcons to a victory the Tostito's National Championship Game as a kicker. The football team originally recruited him as a linebacker due to his ideal size and the nine deaths that had resulted from his tackles. However, he performed a somersault kick after scoring a touchdown off of an interception causing the coaches to switch him to kicker for his sophomore year. He went on to win the Heisman three years in a row as a kicker, and scored more points than anyone in NCAA D-1A college football (a record not even OJ Simpson could come close to). He also broke the record for most fans killed by field goals with thirty one; a record that will unlikely be touched seeing as he is the only kicker to ever kill someone with a field goal attempt. Guile's performance inspired Albert Haynesworth to become the first player to accomplish this feat in the NFL, but he ultimately failed to kill Andre Gurode with his kick. Marcus Vick also attempted this achievement on a Louisville player, but failed as well. After years of excellence in academics and football, Guile graduated cum laude and was elected as the class speaker at graduation.
After graduation, Guile received support to attend the best military flight school in the nation: Uppermost Projectile. Guile and Charlie Nash were the only two graduates from the class of '85 to receive this distinction.
Uppermost Projectile[edit]
Guile and Charlie received their call-names upon arriving at Uppermost Projectile; stallion and waterfowl respectively. The two then took a rank test alongside twenty other peers and placed with the top two scores (both scored perfectly). Their flawless test results prompted the head of Uppermost Projectile to choose them for the top secret mission: Operation Buffalo Slayer/Operation Muerte Las Vegas.
The head ordered the two soldiers to fly into Thailand and siege M. Bison's/Vega's terrorist organization, Boogaloo. Unfortunately Nash took the commands to fly into Thailand literally and crashed his plane. Guile managed to save his free-falling partner by flying under him and catching him in the plane. In return, Nash taught Guile the ways of the Sonic Boom. Guile has never been able to launch the sonic boom projectile with one arm like his mentor, but he can do so just as quickly with both arms. The two then traversed to M.Bison's/Vega's lair only to be stopped by his mercenaries. The soldiers made quick work of Bison's/Vega's henchmen and proceeded inside the base. They then proceeded to find Bison/Vega, but his top men Vega/Balrog/transsexual and Balrog/M. Bison came to his aid and allowed him to escape. Guile and Nash found the two adversaries to be a tough match, but the tides turned when they managed to break Vega's/Balrog's/Michael Jackson's razor claws. Balrog/M.Bison tried to bite off Guile's ear, but was quickly done in by a sonic boom to the spleen. Vega/Balrog/Lady Gaga then attempted one last stand to no avail: Guile and Nash fired a combined sonic boom at the matador knocking him/her into another dimension.
M. Bison/Vega re-entered upon his men's defeat and proceeded to teleport behind Nash. He then set himself aflame with psychiatric power and launched himself into Nash's midsection. However, he overlooked the auxiliary propane tank behind Nash. This oversight proved to be his downfall, seeing as the combination of fire and propane can lead to a slight reaction. The tank exploded upon his and Nash's collision into it, thus causing Guile to consider whether or not he should leave the building. After much internal deliberation, he decided that leaving would be in his best interests. His exit was met instantly with concern for Nash, seeing as explosions are generally not conducive to a healthy lifestyle. Guile looked to his left and noticed that Nash's dog tag lay three feet from his feet. He picked them up, and held them tightly as he swore vengeance upon M.Bison/Vega.
Returning home and becoming a family man[edit]
Guile went on to graduate as the top pilot from Uppermost Projectile, but could never go through a day at the academy without thinking about Nash. He visited his friend's memorial site behind the school (the body was never found, leaving some to wonder if Nash is really dead) every day and left flowers, letters, and beer (which would eventually be imbibed by the graveyard watcher). Guile returned to California once his stint in Uppermost Projectile ended and bought a house in Bel-Air. After moving in and ensuring the movers, yo homes, smell ya later, Guile found himself without purpose seeing as the military did not need him in 1986.
One night he went to a bar where he found two young boys giving a group of grunt soldiers some unsavory riff-raff. One of the kids confronted him and challenged him to a fight despite the obvious size difference (Guile is 300lbs of pure muscle while the kid was a twig in comparison). The kid survived Guile's offensive, but was forced to leave once he realized that his nose made Michael Jackson's look flawless.
Guile struck the women in the bar with his manliness, and they could not help but swoon over him. Guile then commanded that the women face each other in a tournament of rock paper scissors to decide with whom he would go home with. He ended up pairing up with a young college student named Julia. The two instantly fell for each other: it was love at first sight after a lengthy fight. He then went home with her and proceeded to be a family man all night long.
A happy and cheerful nine months later, an ecstatic Julia gave birth to a daughter. The parents decided on the name Amy based on Guile's love for Amy Grant and all country music. The two parents were shocked to see Amy come out of her mother's womb sporting army fatigues and American Flag tattoos on her deltoids. She also had blonde flattop hair, causing her to look very much like her father. The last interesting detail of the birth is that the baby somersault kicked her way out of the womb, killing the doctor in front of her.
Service in Desert Storm[edit]
Guile did not need to be shipped off to Iraq for Desert Storm: he shipped himself off. He took his trusty F-16 fighter plane and made his way across the Pacific ocean to the Middle East. He then hunted down Saddam Hussein and killed him with a decapitating Sonic Boom. Unfortunately, Hussein generated many clones throughout his lifetime, so the chief clone took the throne and pretended to be the real Saddam once Guile left the dictator's palace. Guile then launched a barrage of Sonic Booms from his plane at Kuwait as he exited the area. His valiant performance in the war earned him a Purpler Heart, a step above the Purple Heart. Guile is the only soldier to ever receive this award to this day.
Tournament of fighters: a chance for vengeance[edit]
M. Bison/Vega made a global broadcast during the 1994 Olympics promoting his tournament of combat-skilled individuals. Seeing that Bison/Vega would be sponsoring this event, Guile saw it as a perfect chance to exact revenge for his friend's murder. He went on to enter and defeat eleven fighters from different countries.
Guile handled most of the fighters soundly, though two match-ups proved to be rather difficult for him: Chun Li and Ryu. Chun Li knew that her defeat was very likely, so she bought herself some time in the fight using her decently fit legs to hurl a storm of kicks at Guile. Guile became quite frustrated due to the fact that her kicks take precedence over almost any attack, so he waited for a short period of two hours before she grew tired. Eventually half-woman half-horse succumbed to lactic acid; Guile saw his chance to attack. For style points Guile put on his sunglasses and then somersault kicked her into a spectator. Both were pronounced dead on the scene. The martial artist Ryu proved to be a similar trouble based on his ability to fire off a fireball (also known as a hadoagain). Ryu was new to fighting, so he thought he could continually wear Guile out with fireballs. He knew nothing of the fact that Guile too had a projectile. The two warriors traded fireballs and sonic booms until Guile grew weary of this fiery match of tennis. After some elaborate contemplation, he decided that he would have to think outside of the move-list to win this battle. He then picked up a pole bearing the American flag (conveniently enough the people living in a nearby house were proud patriots) and hurled the patriotic javelin. The sharp pole pierced Ryu's heart, an impact that shockingly led to his death. After slaying his adversary, Guile walked over to the soulless body with a tear in his eye and a bit of regret: he had spattered blood on the American flag.
After his eleven victories, Guile was faced with one more fight before he could be crowned as the greatest fighter in the world: Bison/Vega. The final fight was short thanks to Guile's guile: he tricked Bison/Vega into thinking a flash kick was coming, and then focus-attack dash-canceled into a sonic hurricane to earn the ultra victory. Guile thought he had finally avenged his fallen comrade, but he was proven wrong when Bison/Vega used his teleportation ability to escape unnoticed. Nobody knows his location to this date, but military strategists believe that he may be in Afghanistan collaborating with Al Quaeda. Guile is currently in Sandyland pursuing Bison/Vega while participating in Operation: Iraqi Freedom by freeing the citizens' souls from their bodies.
His theme song[edit]
During the tournament in 1994, Guile became truly great by earning himself a theme song. Furthermore, he is the only human with a theme song that fits with everything according to well-reputed scholars.
Example of it fitting everything
- Those who support this hypothesis stating that if it exists, Guile's theme will go with it flawlessly use this video as supporting evidence. Its effectiveness comes from the fact that a song meant for a true family man can even fit the celebration of not being a family man.
| File:Guile Theme goes with everything (Maury) |
See also[edit]
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