God, kittens, masturbation, killing, and you

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“I just love Killing my Masturbation with God and Kittens!!”

~ Jon Sutter on Everything

Kittens stalk gingerbread Domo god

God, kittens, masturbation, killing, and you are the five points of human existence that postmodernism deems null, void, and evil. The practice of one or more of these points leads to the degradation of the soul, degeneration of health, failed general quality of life, and destruction of mankind.

This recently coined philosophy of human existence originated with the 2002 Fark.com news article "Every Time You Masturbate...God Kills a Kitten." The article follows the lives of friendly gingerbread gods named Domo that hunt stray kittens to barbecue in the slums of Tokyo.

WARNING: Do not eat the Domo-kun in chocolate form or any form. It contains melamene in it, a nitrogen used to falsify protein levels in food, and it will kill your children. Cute to look at, but don't eat it. It's from China, and China hates you. You must never eat their food ever again - including dogs.

The Five Points[edit]


Home of Domo-kun gingerbread gods. Where your belief in God should go, because it has a right to exist

The practice of all religion is dead. These are merely rules you are taught to remain a civilized human being in society. Ideally, any practice of religion should be during childhood only. This is the best time when the rules of life are learned, when minds are young and pliable. Any religion practiced during teenage to adult years tends to be muddled with confusion, hypocrisy, and indifference. If any rule was forgotten after those young years, it is not up to society to let you get away with it. The bats and clubs and fists shall find no fault in raining down on you, because you didn't take your medication, or couldn't stop being a smart-ass, which also leads to your fate as a victim of spontaneous combustion.

Most rules are common sense, to the point that even a Domo-kun can recite The Ten Commandments on a typewriter. The quotations and aphorisms you have memorized are obvious fairy tales that most animals in the wild have already figured out for you. Otherwise, you are a hopeless blind weasel left to the world to fend for itself without a brain, because you have decided to believe that Santa Claus was real. You are stupid. Guess what? It's you believing in God, and not atheism. You become a weasel coat, because you've decided to keep believing in the stupid religion that makes you go to church one to four days a week. You now have left the realm of common sense, rational thought, and obvious morals, and into the realm that's really going to make you stupid, angry, and crazy. The more of a God you believe, the more you're going to lose huge chunks of your sanity, and you will end up a complete nut job of a pit bull that everyone beats down for survival.

As we have seen throughout history, wars are always (not just sometimes) started in the name of religion. Terrorism is in the name of religion. Devout worship, often overzealous in faith and contradictory in human and societal relations, is plainly a waste of time, damaging, and stupid. The people in the news committing crimes are the ones that appear to be the most self-righteous and devout in their belief in some God. The point isn't if God is real, or not. It should be plain to you that whether or not God is real; these felons believed in it, and ended up in a way that made them look like morons. Arrested in a bathroom stall, caught with marrying fifteen wives, guns in the trunk, blow on the kitchen counter. Religion made them that way. These are good reasons to become an atheist.

If you think God makes your life unbearable, but there is no God -- you're a moron.

Answer: God is a waste of time. Don't believe in it after the age of 11. Life is short. You only have time to work, and be human. That's it. Belief in any form of God takes time away from life.


What to do with the kittens

Humans in love with kittens is an absolute sin. Cats are the Satan of human relationships. There are those who have decided that the cuteness they feel for the cat will only go to the cat, and not to humanity. All this love is wasted to this furball-spitting, ungrateful, walking-out-at-night-and-never-coming-back heathen, and it still can't do tricks like sit or lie down. It's not because they are independent. It's because cats are brain-dead trolls with the firm indifference and hostility of the insect world. And the worst thing humans do is love this abomination.

Cats bring out the worst in human beings. A spiteful creature with an insect's brain has no love nor compassion for you. Your kitten loves to be petted, but it still doesn't care about you one bit. That is how a cat is -- your kitten rubs up against you, because you are an object it needs, and it only looks at you as a stripper pole. And while humans, dumb as they are, like to follow behaviors that make them feel good, they wallow in the self-referential love of cats, and often transitions into a perverted form of bestiality. All the humanity is drained into the dumb beasts, and not to other fellow humans. This is a perversion of the animal kingdom that rivals mating a dog in heat with a beaver. This is a biological impossibility.

Answer: Kittens are useless. Get rid of them right away. Most of all, send them to China so that the Chinese have something to eat.


Costs way too much money and will probably give you a rash

If you are at the point of enjoying the idea of pleasuring yourself while watching porn, news anchors on TV, someone you saw at Starbucks who will never do you, or that teacher you've always had the hots for, give it up. You're just not getting laid, and you're basically urinating all over yourself. Masturbation ruins your laundry and your sheets, and you get chafing and bruises. People talk about masturbating all the time like it's a badge of honor. They're the first ones getting arrested in bathroom stalls. It also wastes time, and you're not meeting enough people so you don't have to masturbate. When you're getting laid regularly like most, you're going to be too tired to relieve yourself. You won't be able to do it. You are not your own vibrator.

Answer: Get out of the house and meet people. That in itself is going to take forever. And if you're so out of control that you pleasure yourself all the time, go fucking kill yourself.


Why even bother with life if you enjoy doing that? You're beyond help. Somebody has got to get rid of you.


This is You.

If your brain and rational sense are working in tandem, you have grown up, and entered the world of adulthood with flying colors. You can pay your rent and bills, you can live in a nice place, you're married to the one you love, everything is just fine. Of course, this is not important. You will never get over that realization. Your own sense of self, your observations, and your manipulations of your massive ego and creative dexterity are almost impossible to gauge and control. Again, it's you being stupid, while you refuse to use your brain in order to survive in this world. But you have no idea. It's just too hard for you to figure out the difference between reality and God.

Answer: there is none. Just keep on living, and do what you think is best.