The Seven Not-So-Deadly Sins
The Seven Not-So-Deadly Sins are like the Seven Deadly Sins except that they are less deadly, less seven, and less sinnier. While acting out one of the deadly sins will immediately earn you a place in Hell, the Not-So-Deadly ones are punishable by making said sinner wait in God's waiting room in heaven filling out form after form of paperwork to redeem their soul. That in itself is deadly.
Figuring out your Punishment
It has been said that one's punishment can be weighed easily if one takes into account their sins. Who says this, I don't know, but let's give it a shot. Each Not-So-Deadly sin has a certain point value, like in Scrabble. Add together your point value throughout your worthless life of sinning and you get an amount that is
proportionately propertionally properlitanally somewhat equal to your time spent in God's deadly waiting room of Hell reading out-of-date People magazines and listening to some old lady in the corner bitch about her groin.
The Sins...Dum Dum Dum!!!
And they seven finalists are...:
- Avarice: The act of eating rice with plastic chopsticks made by the Australian company Ava, who also make colorful bendy straws, napkins, and stainless-steel barbed wire intended for puppy genocide. For every puppy you kill, you get ten sin points. The world record holder for Avarice is Norwegian puppy-slayer Hänljüll Nørskåukpëchtøvinn, with no less than twelve million puppies killed.
- Lust: The act of being shiny. Very dangerous, as it inspires people to do horrible things to one another such as attempting to utilize Turtle Wax on each other's arses. Also known as the act of wielding Turtle Wax. Earns you fifteen sin points for every minute you betray God. If He wanted people to be shiny He wouldn't have made us so hideous!
- Sloth: The act of growing a massive carpet of hair along your back and hanging upside-down from tree branches. It's a sin because the sloth was not a creation of God, but rather one of Lord Xenu in an attempt to overtake the Galactic Federation. Earns you ten thousand sin points. South America is screwed.....
- Envy: Many people have thought to question why this is a sin. Is it wrong to want better things for yourself? Is it wrong to want to live a better life? The answer is simple: God gave you what you have, His blessings and a chance at life. To want that of another person's is just saying you're not grateful to God. So if you live in a village on the plains of Zimbabwe with no clean water, food, or protection from wild animals and your father is dead and your brother is sick from AIDS and some people from a neighboring tribe periodically kill your cattle, rape your mother, and leave your village without hope for another day free of suffering, be happy with what you were given.
- Pride: The act of being so proud of yourself that your head asplodes from an overdose of ego, thereby drenching everyone within a fifteen-mile radius full of head guts and brain juice. As these things are known to cause cancer, this is very much a bad thing, as cancer is the second-leading cause of last-days-on-Earth sinning. The first is knowing your going to die the following day via message from a mysterious stranger who urges you to step into the light then steals your wallet, but gives it back cause he was just joking, but then takes it again cause he really wasn't and runs away laughing while he leaves you running after him but you can't catch him cause he just hopped ont a flying metal dragon and is now heading towards some distant peaks over the horizon.
- Gluttony: The act of using run-on sentences. Earns you infinity points.
- Wrath: When you get so F***ING mad that you just wanna KILL SOMETHING and then AHH!! JUST kill all those damn bitches those fucking assholes who made your fucking life a fucking living hell and AHHHHHH! JUST F***ING KILL THEM! DamN!!! GRRRR!!!! Fucking Motherf***ers don't f***ing leave me the F**K alone, those Goddamn motherf***ers!!!!
What to do when in Heaven
Let's admit it: you sin. You're a dirty, rotten sinner who deserves to die a fiery death by Hell. Too bad, though, because you're already in God's waiting room. You're confused, dazed, and scared. But suddenly, a warm light fills your heart, and you are comforted. God loves you....But at this moment, there are only four white walls surrounding you, with a magazine rack in one corner and some dead people around you sitting in chairs. There's a door off to the side, and it doesn't seem to be closed. What do you do?