GitHub
A git is a slang term for a fool, bastard, unpleasant, contemptible, or frustratingly obtuse person.
As there is little patience for these folk, apart from others of their own kind, they tend to congregate in a special bunker known as a GitHub. This underground watering-hole (like Adolf Hitler's Führerbunker) provides space where people can collaborate on malware while disabling interrupts. GitHub has an anti-antivirus function (created by an elite group known as "anti-vaxxers") that prevents antiviruses from bombing the place.
The layout of GitHub is based on the seven circles of Hell, in which the inhabitants become progressively more evil and loathsome as they descend each level. The bottommost level of this Hades, known as the kernel or .core, is inhabited by none other than Bill Gates himself.
As of January 2020, GitHub reports having over 40 million users, making it the largest collection of gits in the world.
History[edit]
GitHub has existed since 2007. It is located in San Francisco. In 2009, a hyperbole generator was written in Ruby on Rails. This unique product allowed GitHub to produce cascading boasts of its number of users and repositories. By 2010, the hyperbole generator risked crowding out all other articles on all topics from the software trade press.
In 2018, Microsoft acquired GitHub for cash and Doritos. There have been concerns from developers citing Microsoft's handling of previous acquisitions, namely, not being able to figure out what they did and then shutting them down completely. GitHub's founders, whom Microsoft gave no-show consulting contracts, insisted there was nothing to worry about, least of all Microsoft's history of studying other people's open-source technology and having it appear overnight in a global automatic update of Windows.
In 2020, GitHub stored an archive of the complete website in an abandoned mine shaft in Svalbard, Norway. Archival film reels expected to last 1,000 years ensure that gits in the year 3020 will be able to observe how seriously their counterparts took themselves.
Management[edit]
GitHub was originally a "flat" organization where "everyone is a manager" and could choose to work on projects that interested them, or tell the boss to piss off, except that there were no bosses. The entire enterprise was supervised by a Montessori Board of Directors.
In 2014, GitHub got serious and interposed middle managers, weekly benchmark-review meetings, office politics, nepotism, drama, and hoops to jump through before being granted a pay raise. This reorganization was so effective that, by 2020, GitHub could remain profitable despite spending all its time arguing about whether it had a duty to break its contracts with the U.S. Government given that Donald Trump continued to be President, and whether referring to master and slave software meant that the company hated all African-Americans.
GitHub's mascot is a cat with five octopus-like arms, named Octopussy. It was the inspiration for a notable James Bond movie. Observant moviegoers notice that GitHub benefits from product placement at numerous points in the movie. There are gits in virtually every scene. GitHub renamed the mascot Octocat and spent years in court acquiring exclusive rights to the royalty-free image.
Controversy[edit]
In 2015, GitHub was hacked, in a massive denial-of-service attack exaggerated by its own hyperbole generator. The attack lasted nearly 5 days, or about as long as the average blizzard-induced power outage in New Hampshire. Fortunately, the attack was tolerable, as there were still Coke and munchies left from the company's acquisition, though all the cash had been spent. The attack seemed to originate in China, but the company insisted that China's notoriety for stealing technology meant it would have no interest in a site publishing it for free.
GitHub has 21 terabytes of data, including instructions on everything from committing suicide to creating weapons of mass destruction. The former has been of concern to Russia, whose citizens are constantly seeking painless ways to end their futile lives, while the latter is a point of contention to several nations in the Axis of Evil, which would like to keep all the WMD to themselves.
Being based in the United States, GitHub is subject to trade control laws that prohibit commerce with rogue nations. GitHub has an appeal process, by which any git can appeal a block, making the case that he was "only vacationing" in the restricted country, could not get to sleep because of jet lag, and decided to retrieve a few terabytes for some midnight hacking.