G.I. Joe
“I'm G.I. Joe's ho!”
“Can the world oppose the deadliest of foes, COBRA?”
“COBRA!”
G.I. Joe is America's greatest war hero. He has fought in wars since 1964, retrospectively also in World War Two and recently against Antifa and with tours of duty expected in North Korea, Iran and Venezuela. Joe also has enough Purple Hearts to make a multi-coloured shirt. He regards his greatest enemy to be 'Cobra' and will drop everything else to take on that mean and evil bastard and his minions at the Mars corporation. While he seems to be clean shaven, he in fact wears a mask that covers up his bushy, red white and blue beard.
Origins[edit]
G.I. Joseph (Joe) is the nephew of Uncle Sam. Like Sam, no one can remember his surname. The 'G.I' in his name stands for George Ignatius which suggests he could be a Roman Catholic and therefore secretly sworn to the Pope. But that could be idle speculation.
The other interesting subject is Joe's sexual proclivities. The American military were at first wary of Joe as he liked to be played with boys (and the occasional girl) and this was seen bad for morale. In later years, to cash in on the popularity of the military, it was decided that if little boys were going to play with dolls, they should at least be Manly gay dolls- err... Action Figures. These Action Figures would totally beat off homosexuals, completely destroying the point of G.I. Joseph in the first place. Several G.I. Joseph's with "Kung-Fu" grip were home on leave or furlough would have parties and get Barbie drunk. It was from these drunken sex parties she loved so much where Barbie also became known as butt love Barbie (And you wonder why your sister still hates you, after what you and G.I. Joseph did to Barbie's purity?) G.I. Joseph had a number of different jobs, including sailor, pilot, paratrooper (with working parachute), porn star (with working dildo), Marine, Wal-mart greeter (Special Brainwashing Edition), and regular soldier, and came in White Joseph, and Black Joseph, there was even an Astronaut Joseph, but a Black Astronaut Joseph was a very rare find indeed.
JOE shrinks[edit]
This was of course until 1981, when the geniuses at Has-been toys decided that the Big Joe was too expensive to make, and really gay to play with. To remedy this, and to sell thousands of actually really cool vehicles and play sets, it was decided to shrink Joe's penis. Joe was taken to a top-secret science type lab and shrunk (including his ball size). At this time, we saw the emergence of the COBRA terrorist movement. Prior to 1981, Joe had fought Imaginary Communists, your pet cat, and heterosexuals, but now he had a real enemy! The downside of course, was no more Barbie nookie. The team was expanded from white Joe and Black Joe to include:
- Duke: The yellow haired old gay major.
- Scarlett: The redhead chick that was mostly for sexual value, to make the show seem heterosexual.
- Snake Eyes: The ninja who didn't talk (death mute).
- Clutch: The guy who drove the cool Humvee.
- Bazooka: The man who, oddly enough, carried a pack of bazooka bubble gum.
- Wild Bill: A myopic, alcoholic cowboy who was an expert at crashing helicopters.
- Quick Fix: A meth-head martial arts master and token Asian stereotype.
- Blowtorch: A fire safety expert who loved pork chop sandwiches.
- Roadblack: A big, gay black masseuse with a fondness for making bad poems.
- Spirit: A stereotypical Native American who cries when he sees pollution and chick flicks.
- And a bunch of others, of which I owned all!
COBRA[edit]
Cobra is a ruthless terrorist (even way back then we knew they'd be bad guys messing with America) organization, they were led by The Bobbydazzler, who having been named The Bobbydazzler, really didn't have much else he could do with his life except yell cobra.
Apparently he somehow had the hook-ups for some high-tech military hardware. It was supplied by Destro, who had a metal head, for no real reason whatsoever.
Anyway, Destro tried to take over the world. There was also a hot evil chick named The Baroness (who was constantly being fought over by Destro and The Bobbydazzler, there is a rumor, however, that the three of them have settled their differences, and you can see the results for $39.95 a month right here on the Internet) and a kick-ass evil ninja named Stormshadow Later Hasbeen decided to try and sell more figures and decided to invent a "new" Bobbydazzler. He was supposedly a combination of the DNA from all the great tyrants; Napoleon, Caesar, Ivan the Terrible, Your school principal, all of them! Unfortunately they designed the result, Serpentor, with all of their lamest traits. Serpentor had the gayest outfit, the stupidest vehicle, and cheesiest name ever.
Yo! Joe! the TV Show[edit]
Joseph had his own TV show, which ruled (though not as much as the Transformers, because at least the Transformers had spaceships, and Megatron was at least threatening, and his evil plots were all barbaric and life threatening) Anyway, The Joe-team, manned by some characters you did own, and some you couldn't find, were sent on a top-secret mission in vehicles you already had, eventually they'd uncover the COBRA plot, and Cobra would come out with their totally amazing weapons, vehicles you didn't have yet, and would drive Joe back. Flint would say "What in Bloody Blue Blazes? We need to counter their hardware!" They would retreat back to Joe headquarters, which if they sold that fortress with the big-ass cannon in stores; I sure as hell never saw it! Anyway, Joe would come out with a new weapon, which again you didn't own, and save the day. Throughout all of these battles, thousands, no, millions of shots would be fired, and NO ONE EVER DIED! It's the only war where billions of dollars in planes, tanks, jeeps, and boats are trashed, thousands of bombs are dropped, and no one died.
After the final commercial break (advertising the shit you just saw on the show) they'd come back with a Public Service Announcement, with two brothers wailing on each other, and then a Joe character, like Shipwreck or Gung-Ho, would come out. Even though he'd just got done blowing shit up and ruining Cobra's day, he would tell you "Violence is not the answer!", then the kids would say "Now we know" and the Joe would say "And knowing is half the battle!" G...I...JOOOOOOE! And if the G.I. Joe didn't feel like telling you "Violence is not the answer," he might at least offer you a body massage. The only Joe who never did a P.S.A. was Snake-Eyes, not because he was all hard core, but because, well, the dude NEVER talked, probably because Stormshadow cut his tongue out. This is a typical Joe show of friendship.
The movie[edit]
The movie introduced new characters such as Big Lob, that guy in the Hawaiian shirt, and Bruce Campbell.
In G.I. JOE the Movie they re-introduced Sgt. Slaughter, the only wrestler ever known to fight international terrorism and destroy robots with his bare hands. Strangely enough his wrestling hold was called the cobra clutch.
Theme song[edit]
Now, all rise, and face the flag, gentlemen remove your hats, for the singing of the G.I. JOE theme song:
- He'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble, G.I. JOE is there!
- G.I. JOE, A Real Vietnamese Hero! G.I. JOE is here!
- When your grandpa's loosing pubic hair G.I. JOE IS THERE
- It's G.I. JOE against COBRA and Destro, to fucking save the day!
- He never gives shit, he's never there, for freedom!
- G.I. JOE! A real Vietnamese restaurant owner! G.I. JOE is cookin'!
- G...I..COCKSUCKERBALLLICKERJOE!...Yo JOE
Jihad Joe[edit]
It is believed that Americans are becoming more ethnocentric with simple western culture toys. They know half of the story with the G.I. Joe toys. To combat this increasing rise in western pride, a new toy line is being released by Al Qaeda Inc. It is Jihad Joe, a real terrorist Hero! It is hoped that this toy will teach tolerance and understanding. This scaled down follower of Wahhabism comes with his own Ak-47, R.P.G., and suicide bomber kit that actually works! He comes with in voice recording that says phrases such as “Hurray for the blessed verse of swords", "ALLAH!", and the ever classic "Death to America!"
This toy will be sold wherever a Fatwa is issued. The next toy will be Fascist Frank, a real authoritarian government hero, and of course the highly anticipated "GI Jew", a real American Hebrew.