Freelance Soul Trader
“What the Fuck? My Abraham Lincoln's instant pontification rapes your Bill Clinton's Lie about sex!”
Freelance Soul Traders are creatures from hell. Most of them take human form in order to easily steal and resell the souls of the living. Chances are, if you are alive, your soul has been stolen and sold eighty thousand times. Unlike Affiliated Soul Traders, FSTs need to maintain a working relationship with both God and Satan respectively, though all will agree God is a cheap ass.
How To Become One[edit]
Becoming an FST requires a minor in economics, a major in business, and a second major in kleptomania, you must also know the exact location of your soul and it cannot be in the possession of either God or Satan or whoever the fuck is running things at the time. After you have amassed all the information required you must insert the documents into your anus and blow yourself up, which will deliver you to the gates of Limbo, but since your soul is either on the market or otherwise engaged you will technically still be alive, then report to the Soul Trader's Union and show them the documents (due to the anus being one of the only accepted means of transportation between the real world and the nether, the documents will be found in your pants, because you shat yourself when you died)and you will be assigned to a location on earth.
What Do They Do?[edit]
An FST has three crucial Jobs, Stealing Souls, Selling Souls, and Killing Kittens.
Stealing Souls: A Crucial part of the FST's job is to steal the souls of those who have somehow managed to keep a hold of them. An experienced FST will have a patented technique for extracting a soul, but it is commonly done by either activly sucking on an appendage of the body, "Huffing" the victim, or inserting two and one half fingers into the victims right lung. Some of the more famous patented methods are the "Single Finger to the Forehead" designed by Hillary Clinton and bought by Lord Farce for the price of George W Bush's soul, the "Fuck you Leper" method created and used extensively by Jesus until he retired, the "Squrrel" method, which involves tossing a specially trained soul-removing squrrel at the victim, and the "Nazi" Method, by which you must simply be a Nazi to steal the souls of everyone around you.
Selling Souls: Once a soul is stolen it's kind of like a stock certificate, you have a controlling interest in that person's life, but if the person running it fucks up you're basically screwed. The longer the life, the more potential a soul has. Some souls (called Hero Souls) have 'special powers', Bill Clinton's soul has the "Ultimate Lie" power, which can be used to convince ANYONE of ANYTHING regardless of how rediclous or unrealistic it may be, while Abraham Lincoln's soul has "Instant Pontification" which makes the most evil, loathsome, and vile creatures to ever walk the earth (Dick Cheney) into heavenly beings (Bunnies) by shooting them in the head. Just like a stock, a soul's value is completely based on the purchaser. the two biggest buyers of souls in the world are Satan and Michael Jackson (who only buys the souls of little boys)
Killing Kittens: Kittens are the most loathsome and evil beasts to ever exist and it is greatly accepted that they effectively fucked god and left him on the side of the road, Kittens are almost as deadly as Cabbages, but not nearly as deadly as listening to Yoko Ono. All beings that trade souls make a point of killing and drinking the blood of any kitten they find.
Other Methods of Soul Collection (Besides Theft or Trade)[edit]
The Bucket: Whenever god or the US Federal Government is blamed for a natural disaster all the people who died in that event have their souls sent immediately to the Big Fucking Soul Bucket which collects them for batch-sale. The only exception to this rule is things blamed on George Bush or the Republican Party, in that case anyone who is saying it has their souls sent to the bucket thanks to the Unholy Alliance of 1902 between US Liberals and the Dark Pact of Hell. The Unholy Alliance of 1902 Formed after a meeting between the Democratic Party of America and the Dark Pact of Hell shortly after the Democrats lost power to the Republicans. The General decision was that the Antichrist was to be of the Democratic Party and he would be elected president sometime in the future in exchange for the souls of all those who whine and don't take responsibility for their own actions. Hitler: The Hitler Method refers to the use of Hitler to steal the souls of everything he looks at, if you posses a Hitler then you have the Hitler-soul-sucker.
What use Other Then Sale are Souls[edit]
In the Hell-renowned cookbook "Baking with Babies: the Demonic Guide to Roasting Baby to perfection", Chef Utherling Soulrender says that the best thing to maranade a Baby in before broiling it is a soup of innocient souls. God Bless Abortion for sending us all those...