First Lady
First ladies of the United States have not only had a major influence on the course of the country throughout the years, but have also stood at the forefront of fashion and sexiness. As the US prepares to wave goodbye to perhaps the most stylish, but body-modest of leading ladies, we are reminded of the indelible mark so many have left on the White House.
From Martha Washington's nude fan-dance on Broadway to Hillary Clinton's button-to-the-collar modesty, America's First ladies have been as eclectic in their approach to the role as ambassador and trend-setter for American women of their time, as the literally tons of clothes and thousands of shoes, maid outfits and nipple tassels that have adorned the White House walk-in-wardrobes throughout history.
Significant First Ladies of the United States[edit]
Martha Washington[edit]
Martha Washington was very in-vogue as the pioneer of First Ladies not afraid to be a bit naughty. In 1750 at the tender age of 19 years old, she married to Daniel Parke Custis (1711–1757), a sugar-daddy at 20 years her senior and manager of New Kent County tobacco plantation of his father Councilor John Custis of Williamsburg. Martha at the time was a worker at a lap-dancing bar, a frequent haunt of businessmen "out-of-office", and was regularly seen on stage in New York dressed as a belly dancer, miss whiplash, or wearing nothing but two giant fans.
Evidence of her business acumen in the lucrative tobacco trade is found in letters she wrote to the London merchants, who were selling her ciggies out of ASDA carrier bags in the local pubs along with cheap, fake designer jeans and Nike hoodies. It has been asserted by many biographers of military officer George Washington, that these factors made her potential as an appropriate wife for any randy Colonel, who enjoys a fulfilling life overseas as well as showing off in the Officer's mess.
Betty Ford[edit]
Unusually for the role of First Lady, Betty Ford was about as trend-setting as Betty Rubble, but like Martha Washington, jumped-ship to a second husband to get to the White House. Ford was also a dancer by trade however, unlike Martha Washington, she was more in the style of Dance Moms star Abby Lee Miller, rather than Demi Moore in Striptease.
Mrs. Ford's original surname was Bloomer, a name of Dutch origin. At one time Ford sought to discover if her father’s family had a genealogical connection to Amelia Jenks Bloomer, a 19th century suffrage, temperance and abolition advocate who popularized the first pants for women which were then dubbed “bloomers” after her.
During her first marriage to salesman William Warren (1942-1947), she worked in New York as a food processor, making anything from cake mix to whisking up a meringue. Following her divorce very shortly afterwards, she continued to work there until her second marriage to the President of the United States took her to Washington, D.C. in early 1949, where she could get someone to do the mixing for her.
With her signature 70s-style bob, silk scarves, cat-eye specs and high-neck Chinese-style collars, this First Lady oozed Christian self-restraint and self admonition. Like Hillary, she had a penchant for colour blocking, often opting for all-in-one shades of cornflower blue and buttercup yellow. The photo shows probably the most sexy image of Ford, taken while dressed as Mr Checkov during a Star Trek convention in Wisconsin.
Jacky Kennedy[edit]
Jacqueline Kennedy was half-Irish, who's ancestors came to New York during the 1840's potato famine. Jacqueline Kennedy's paternal grandmother Maude Sergeant was the daughter of a French immigrant from Kent, England, making her one-eight French, but that particular eighth of DNA was borne of French ladies' passion for designer fashion and culture. This was always in conflict to her Irish DNA, which leaned towards toothlessness and required her to temper her desire for Guinness, cart horses, bar brawling and a love of a good jig on the fiddle and banjo.
Remarkably, Jackie Kennedy is still a fashion role model for women all over the world, despite looking like a contemporary New Jersey nightclubber. Coming to the White House during the beginning of sexual liberation in 1961, her enormous bouffant hair spilling from pillbox hats and funky skirt suits, were of colours that look good even with Martini spilled all over them. Unlike Mrs Trump, Mrs Kennedy preferred the “full bush” look at Woodstock even sporting armpit hair, as was the trend among muddy hippie-chicks.
Nancy Reagan[edit]
Former movie Star Nancy Reagan brought her fierce red carpet style to the White House as she ushered in a new era of Hollywood glamour. She was not one to shy away from a tabloid “nip-slip” and regularly opted for revealing low cut frontages, and see-through negligee — thinly disguised as movie-premier gold lame over stale neutrals — to really express her assets. Even the late, great Oscar de la Renta once said “she is like Marilyn Monroe without having to blow wind and smoke up her ass.”
Hillary Clinton[edit]
Hillary Clinton has been dressing rather than undressing for the White House for decades, in the process carving herself a distinctive Hobbiton-after-the-arrival-of-the-Gratton-Catalogue look; one which used to be defined by pastel two pieces, a no-nonsense bob with wispy bangs and a discreet bullet-proof vest. Since then, her style has shifted and been repackaged with the help of Obama’s former aide, Rosie Gamgee. Ultimately, her sartorial choices can be summarized in a single word – pantsuits. A look she made her own in bright hues to show who really wore the trousers, and to hide her hairy feet. Later on, her ambitions led her to run for the office of President, which failed because she is an unattractive female, unlike Sarah Palin.
Laura Bush[edit]
Having admitted that it was hard for her to stand naked except for one hand covering her vagina, Laura Bush was never one to keep up with the trends, instead opting for a style categorized by Sue-Ellen Ewing. For her first Inaugural Ball, she wore a white Stetson, a bullwhip and colt-45 holster — designed by her local line-dancing club in her homestate of Texas. Laura was the ultimate in classic Southfork style, with a twist of Boss Hog. Pictured left is Bush drunk as a lord at a 24h toga party over the Kennedys.
Michelle Obama[edit]
To date, not since Laura Bush has the US had such an earthy leading lady like Michelle Obama. Her timeless style appealed to all generations, while her affinity with Walmart made her seem just like ‘one of us’ — if we ignore the limousines and private Boeing 747. Wearing everyday off-the-rack clothes, Michelle had a winning formula. She has taken some risks during her time as First Lady, such as putting Betty Ford’s “countless sacks of old clothes” on EBay to buy a new food-blender, but never stripped naked in front of a camera for steamy lesbian sex with an eastern European, but did get a tit out to portray a slave on the front cover of a Spanish jazz mag. Michelle Obama was also single-handedly responsible for introducing vegan dishes into the school lunches of underprivileged (and unsuspecting) children.
Melania Trump[edit]
And finally, let us say Hello! to the steamy 46-year-old Slovenian former bi-sexual model and First-Lady elect, Melania Trump, who has already spent much of her life championing the needs of the single All-American pickup driver, with naked romps with other models and uninhibited photo shoots. Most recently, Mrs Trump took to the stage wearing a white, slit legged jumpsuit by Ralph Lauren, where everybody in the first nine rows could see her cameltoe.
Melania has gone on the record that she doesn't want to live in a low rise antique (The White House). Until planning permission goes through to replace it with something better, she will carrying on residing at Trump Tower in New York.
It is traditional for Presidential First Ladies to champion a cause. Melania has gone on record as a champion for the anti-bullying cause, in response to "bullying of Trump's staff". She does not consider Trump's tweets to be bullying "at all".