“I knew it's him the moment he fell on me...it was...surreal. Like meeting your maker for the first time...”
“You son a of a bitch!”
“I admit I am a diver. It embarrases me to be both a diver and an Italian.”
Fabio Grosso (born Fabien Sean Scott O'Dive, 29 Febtember, 1969, Limerick, Ireland) is an Irish cunt and inventor, credited for inventing the vibrator machine which changed the face of sexual proliferation and capital punishment. He was awarded the Paddy Wagon Silver Dildo, the highest honour not bestowed in Ireland, for services to Irish whores.
O'Gross was born into a family of Irish nuclear physicists, specialising in transforming wheat and barley into vodka. Their success attracted jealousy from the Russian government, who in 1970 ordered the arrest of the O'Gross family, and they were brutally tortured into surrendering the secret recipe. The torture methods were not known, although references were made to Justin Timberlake.
Under the guidance of Bishop Guido from Wooloomoolloo, Straiya, O'Gross began his invention career, first gaining fame by fusing an eraser together with a common pencil. His finding, published in the Bulletin of Shitake Artists (hereafter Bul.Shit.Art), did not stir the scientific world, but quickly caught the eye of global intelligence officers, who believe that they have found a novel way to torture infidels by using BOTH ends of the pencil. O'Gross moved to Southampton, England, and altered his name to the more Italian-sounding Grosso in honour of his mentor Bishop Guido, who died of shock after accidentally catching a glimpse of Tom Cruise before his plastic surgery.
The Karaoke Machine
Grosso's most famous invention was arguably the Karaoke machine. The first machine, weighing over 600 tonnes, was only capable of transmitting moderately deadly music, such as those by Tom Jones and John Farnham. British militaries were unimpressed by its lack of sophistication, and briefly considered selling the machine to Brazil as a training device for the grossly-obese Ronaldo.
Desperate for help, Grosso linked up with Bill Murray, and via Murray's unique ability to shrink substantial products into complete insignificance (just look at Lost in Translation), Grosso was able to produce the world's smallest torture device. The Karaoke machine is able to transmit the most tranquil music known to men, such as Justin Timberlake and Mary J Blige, into the victims, causing the victim to feel extreme guilt for the hideous crimes they have committed and submit to any random request by the torturers, such as confessions, hamburgers, or in extreme cases Kelly Clarkson albums.
Many hardened criminals, including Sven Goran Eriksson, have submitted to the torture and confessed to intolerable crimes against humanity. Some of Grosso's famous victims include:
- Sven Goran Eriksson - confessed to single-handedly destroying England's World Cup chances in 2006 by substituting Michael Owen in a vital quarter final match.
- Mao Zedong - confessed to incorrectly giving Ricky Ponting out leg-before-wicket in a vital Ashes Test match so to give his Red Guards greater powers.
- Galileo - confessed that the Earth is indeed flat.
Grosso continued his research career into horrible torture devices, and recently introduced a miniature version of the Karaoke machine, known as the iPod, which when plugged into the brains of unsuspecting wannabe hip-cool teenagers, causes them to spasm and unable to make simple judgements, such as whether to cross the road when there are cars or when there are not.
For fear of retribution and further kidnapping attempts, Grosso now lives a reclusive existence in the basement of Stadio Giuseppe Meazza, Milan, Italy. Witnesses sometimes claim he wears the same blue and black strips worn by Inter Milan, pretending to be a soccer player. Those rumours are unfounded and perpetrators of those rumours are now subjected to the pencil torture. He is in fact, training very hard to compete for Ireland, or Italy (he has yet to decide) in the diving world championships.
He has since gone to Lyon to train with their Olympic diving team and to show Karim Benzema how to suck off his dad.