Extreme Ironing
“There is nothing on this Earth too numb and boring not to be turned into an extreme sport.”
The 20th Century brought many horrors into the world, including two World Wars, Hitler, accountants, and the Cheeky Girls. Because people got used to these horrors, they wanted more violent and adrenaline pumping pastimes. Therefore the need for extreme games emerged. The most popular of the extreme games are Extreme Hide and Seek, Extreme Stamp Licking, Extreme Tiddley-Winks, and most of all Extreme Ironing, which is the subject of this article you are reading.
There are many types of Extreme Ironing, but they all involve hot irons, and all usually finish in the Hospital burn center.
Endurance Ironing[edit]
The point of this ironing game is to wear all of your clothes, iron them onto you, and then take them off once they're ironed. (Do not remove the bottom layer, as such results in disqualification.) The first person to iron their last layer of clothing without crying, or the last person not crying, wins. Other rules include:
- Iron heat setting must be at maximum.
- No whining about how "It's too hot!!"
- Taking any kind of drug before, during, or after isn't allowed.
- Remember to play fairly, and no punching, spitting, kicking, or pouring of hot water or drinks on opponents burns, as this might result in injury.
Extreme Iron Tag[edit]
Extreme Iron Tag is just that. Get some Irons, a truck load of extension cords, and some wall outlets, and you're good to go. Remember, unlike "regular tag", anyone and everyone can tag. In fact, you'd be retarded mentally impaired not to tag. Extra points are rewarded for getting someone else's face. The winner is the last person not rolling around looking like Anakin Skywalker in the third Star Wars movie.
Winter sports Ironing[edit]
This is an outside sport, played on a frozen lake (more extension cords will be needed). The object of this game is to slide the iron across the ice with the intention of weakening the ice around your opponent. This game is considered "safe" by the American Sports and Fitness Association (only approximately 50% of the children who play it, die). Two or more participants are required.
And remember, if the water don't kill ya, the iron will. I mean really, if you thought the toaster in the bathtub was bad......
Time Trial[edit]
How long can you take the heat? Sign up now for the national "I Branded Myself with an Iron Longer than You did" contest. If you're as nuts as I am for being better than other nuts, than you'll call now 555-5575. Or visit our website, www.imactuallydumbenoughtotrythisjunk.com. Can you handle the burn?