Exploding testicles
 A mild case of Detonating Gonaditis | |
| Classification and external resources | |
|---|---|
| Specialty | Sexology, bomb squad |
| Medical database number | DG2 |
| Annual cases | 500,000,000 reported (actual number estimated to be 1.2 billion) |
| Mortality | 69% |
| Leading causes | Blue balls, testicular cancer |
Exploding testicles, more formally known as Detonating Gonaditis by medical professionals, is a very serious and debilitating condition which affects millions of people around the world. Many of these feel embarrassed by such a sensitive issue, and may not come forwards for treatment, leaving the real impact of this condition unknown.
Due to the lack of patient involvement in studies, there are currently no accurate estimates for how many people worldwide may be currently suffering from Detonating Gonaditis. The condition primarily affects men, although some cases have been observed in women, where the effect of the condition is somewhat lessened. This is because most women lack testicles which can explode, though those which have them are considered at-risk.
The World Health Organisation currently recognises two types of Detonating Gonaditis: Type 1 DG and Type B DG. A Type iii DG classification has been previously proposed, but is now instead considered a form of A Sploding Hernia instead.
Risk factors[edit]
Causes of Type I DG are believed to have both genetic and environmental components. If a patient has the disease, then their risk of developing the disease again in later life is believed to be close to 100% if only one testicle was affected.
Due to the slow pace of research, little is known regarding non-genetic risk factors for this disease. The currently known ones include:
- Too much sex
- Too little sex
- Extreme masturbation
- A diet rich in nitroglycerin
- Getting kicked in the testicles, which weakens their outer walls and could possibly allow their internal pressure to escape
Efforts to warn people of the consequences of their actions have failed so far, as the advised preventative measure of sitting at home all day doing nothing has not appeared to be very popular. However, with the rise of MMORPGs, Detonating Gonaditis prevention has started to become more widespread.
Type B DG currently does not have any known risk factors, making it even more dangerous.
Relationship with testicular expansion[edit]
Some men who suffer from Detonating Gonaditis have previously suffered from testicular expansion. Patients with a history of testicular expansion tend to have the explosion episode delayed while the testes expand, but the explosion will be considerably larger and more painful when it finally does occur. However, contrary to popular misconception, Detonating Gonaditis is often not accompanied or preceded by testicular expansion, and the two conditions are mutually exclusive.
Individuals who have previously lost both testicles to Detonating Gonaditis develop a natural immunity to testicular expansion for reasons still being researched.
Signs and symptoms[edit]
Type 1 DG[edit]
Known clinically as Acute Regional Gonadotrophic Hernioma (ARGH), this is the most common form of the disease. It is characterised by swelling of one or more testicles and acute pain in the groin region. This is accompanied by insomnia, lethargy, and in some cases, severe flatulence. Although not immediately life threatening, if left untreated the gonads will continue to swell until the patient is forced to continuously squat, in what is known as De Broglie's position. Eventually, the gonads burst without warning, emitting an audible pop. If the patient does not receive immediate medical care, they are in danger of looking a bit silly.
Treatment consists of management of the swollen gonad, and prevention of a detonating episode. Surgical intervention is possible, but this carries a high risk of premature detonation and is considered only as a last resort. Instead, patients are taught to cope with their condition with intense physiotherapy. This enables them to move around normally, using the swollen gonad as one might use a space hopper. Clearly this is not practical for the patient, and research into future treatments is an ongoing battle.
Type B DG[edit]
Osteoulcerative Colonic Hernioma (OuCH) is less common than ARGH, but is far more serious, and nearly always life threatening. Symptoms are far more immediate than in type 1, and there are no warning signs. Detonation occurs spontaneously and without warning, which can be far more psychologically traumatic for the patient than it is physically. Even still, the force generated by the rapid pressure release can cause significant injury to the vital organs, resulting in an immediate coma and death. It is estimated that more people are killed each year from Detonating Gonaditis than are killed on the roads.
Diagnosis[edit]
Detonating Gonaditis may seem trivial to self-diagnose after an explosion episode, but many other possible causes could also result in violent testicular explosion, which is why a proper diagnosis should always be done by a trained medical professional with help from a microbiology lab. Blood and/or semen samples may be collected, especially from ground zero, to be examined under a microscope before a determination can be made.
Early detection of Detonating Gonaditis is uncommon, despite how important it is if a patient wishes to keep their testicles intact. Theories on why this is so include at-risk patients being too embarrassed to seek early treatment or underestimating the dangers they face, as well as frequent misdiagnosis as nothing more than a cancerous tumor.
History[edit]
Detonating Gonaditis was first observed by the 13th Century monk Thomas Aquinas, who was also a prominent surgeon and stand-up comedian. He noted that several of his brotherhood had become rather reclusive of late, and carried out thorough investigations to find the cause of the problem. Unfortunately his activities caught the eye of his abbot, who promptly burnt him to death.
After this investigation went up in smoke, there is little record of DG until 1843, when Dr. John Snow, the father of modern day epidemiology, made reference to a curious condition he christened "Oh my God, what the hell is wrong with you?!". For reasons unknown this work was never published, and it was not until 1933 when the condition was officially recognised, that the title Detonating Gonaditis was first coined.
It is widely accepted that Detonating Gonaditis was a key player in the fall of Nazi Germany in 1945. The condition is believed to have caused widespread chaos among the German troops, reducing combat effectiveness, and allowing Allied troops an easy victory. The popular nursery rhyme "Hitler, has only got one ball" is believed to be a reference to the widespread epidemic that occurred behind the German lines.
Treatment[edit]
Treatment is limited, since it would have to commence before the onset of symptoms, as the condition often immediately results in death. Many sufferers live with the severe consequences of Detonating Gonaditis. Detonating Gonaditis can have a range of serious complications including increased risk of myocardial infarction, stroke, and athlete's foot. For reasons still unknown, in women it can cause nymphomania, whose victims describe the condition as their partner "making the earth move for me".