Deele College

Deele College is one of the oldest schools/correctional facilities in Europe. Based in Raphoe, Co. Donegal, the school was established in 1813 by the insane King George III as a bird sanctuary, and to this day falconry is a crucial part of the curriculum. It became a school in 1825, when a group of lazy slags that should’ve been working down the mines decided they wanted to be educated. The first Principal was perverted Beatrix Potter character Mr. Byron Herbert McGrosvenor, who had served in the British Navy at the Battle of Trafalgar. Rumour has it he was the one who dared Hardy to kiss Lord Nelson, because he was a bit like that. He is credited with forming a progressive timetable and system of learning that was well ahead of it’s time, subjects including Pottery, Greek and Roman Civilisation/Sodomy, Natural Science and throwing stuff at local itinerants. Although Corey Brolly has a stinking body,his head is abnormally small for his height...(just kidding)

Arch-Nemesis

Deele College’s arch enemy The Royal and Pyrotechnic Comprehensive was formed in 1851 to commemorate the faggotry of Protestantism, and since then the schools have had a hostile relationship, punctuated by the occasional inter-school rogering behind the old castle. As his last action as Principal, McGrosvenor waged war on the Royal and Pyro in 1865, but he and most of the school’s students and staff were killed at the infamous Battle of Barclays.The remaining Deele students retaliated in the blood bath of paddy joes in 1866 which ended in in the shocking shout of " FUCK OFF YOU WEE ORANGE CUNTS" to which the wee fuckers did not like that in the slightest!There are still some pro-test-ants in this behemoth of a school.

Renovation and "The Age of Akerassi"

The incinerated remains of Deele College were left untouched until 1901, when former pupil, renowned scholar and European Shouting Champion Daniel C. Akerassi decided to reopen the school. Although he was a stern Principal, he was well liked by his students, mainly because they knew he could kick the shit out of them at any given minute. He gained infamy for his legendarily long assembly speeches that consistently resulted in numerous deaths by boredom. He could go on for weeks without stopping for water, bathroom breaks or punctuation. He was also famous for wearing the same suit for 47 consecutive years. During his tenure, Deele became a formidable sporting school, and he’s credited with coaching the most successful football, rugby, GAA and tiddlywinks teams the county has ever seen. Akerassi was forced to retire in 1952 after he killed a student by staring at him in a furious manner.

Ooh, scary!

He was replaced as Principal by Mrs. Medusa Role-Stoneyface, older brother of Margaret Thatcher. A soulless beast with no love in its heart for anything or anyone, it immediately withdrew the school from all sporting activities in an attempt to “show the little fuckers the meaning of discipline”. In a series of unpopular moves, detention was made compulsory, English literature was replaced by setting students on fire, and trigonometry was replaced by even more trigonometry. The students revolted against its’ reign in 1968, and sooner than be killed by the bloodthirsty masses outside her office, decided to enlist for a tour of duty in Vietnam instead. After serving with honours in Saigon as a soldier/prostitute and stealing Christmas from 1971 and 1973, it later became a senior staffer for President Nixon, and married fellow cold-blooded bastard Dick Cheney in the summer of 1977.

Former janitor Alanis Portfolio became interim Principal in 1968, although he still believes he holds the position to this day. Students at the time claimed he went “Fuckin bananas” with power, much like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, and after he was replaced later that year by Sir Desmond “Where the devil are my car keys?” Griffin, he still proceeded to walk around with a clipboard in his hand (even when driving or shopping) and hassle students about anything he can think of saying to them, although it normally involves Kit Kats.

The Griffin Era to Present

Sir Desmond Griffin was Principal until his retirement in 2001. His was a peaceful and inoffensive term of office, he was even a co-signatory of the Bank Holiday Monday Agreement, which sought to open the barriers between Deele and the Royal and Pyro. As part of the agreement, Deele students agreed to stop making those really sore paper balls with sello-tape and saliva/semen wrapped around them, while Royal and Pyro students agreed to stop acting so damn Protestant. Griffin, who was also responsible for a series of highly homosexual school plays during his term, has since enjoyed a successful TV career, as he is actually “The Stig” on Top Gear.

The current Principal is Dr. Paddy Flood, the last remaining Timelord, and is rumoured to be a direct descendant of Jesus of Nazareth.

Interesting Facts about Deele College:

English teacher Mr. Hogan was the second ever inductee to the “Facial Hair Hall of Fame”, after former U.S. President Ulysses S. Grant.

Deele College holds the record for highest conviction rate amongst past pupils per capita in the Republic of Ireland. Take that, inner-city Dublin schools!

History teacher Mrs. Hegarty is the treasurer of the local branch of the Republican Party.

Science teacher Mrs. Brady is the mother of New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady, Irish footballer Liam Brady and “The Brady Bunch” star Greg Brady.

Business teacher Mr. Gallagher claimed to have met Tom Hanks at a party once.

Woodwork teacher Mr. Kelly crafted the first ever car that is drivable from the back seat.

Engineering teacher Mr. Foy once built a time machine in room 1, at the request of time lord(and school principal) Dr Paddy Flood.

Raphoes favorite scotsman, Pat McGarvey replaced Scotty as lieutenant commander on the Starship : Enterprise

The school was one of the first to ban students with Double-Barrelled names, as everyone knows they're all poofs.

Woodwork Mr Andrew McFadden is well known for his saying of "Goodman Michael" and for building the entire woodwork facility wing of the school with his breasts. He is also the frontman of rock band: Queens of the Stone Age.

The current Leadership team(i.e. principal and vice) debated on whether to use the school's computer servers to store 2009 era memes or endless hours of anime. The debate has spanned many a term, it has caused the emergence of an rebellion within the leadership splitting it down the middle between the loyal followers of "Bad Luck Brian" and "Team Endless Naruto" .

Famous Students

The school has a long tradition of famous past students who include; The Marquis de Sade, Smelly (retarded cousin of Scooby) Doo,Heifer,former Vice-President Al Gore, The Big guy Dylan "Wolfy" Kildea with his famous quote "United will win the league", Sínn Féin Deputy First Minister Sean Murphy, Jed Bartlet, The Sun, Bishop Len Brennan, Osama bin laden, Sir Walter Raleigh, Sgt. Pepper, Daniel Brennan with his big size and good looks, Rod but not Todd Flanders, Northern Ireland, Christy Brown(he was a stand up guy)and Derek Mooney also Rodge of "Podge and Rodge" attended but his wee snotty fucker of a(half) brother Podge went to the Royal and Pyro!

The Great Jacket Ban

Everything was fine in Deele college. However then arrived an evil knight Known as Danny, threatening to take over the school. Wearing his suit of armor and flying brown shoe's. With a face of steel and a heart of stone, he defeated the great Mrs McNulty and enforced many new rules upon the school. Like immediately banning non-uniform jackets and storing them in his chest of death. Now the school is searching for a new hero. Someone who can free us from this repression, which is Danny McFadden. If you know of this Demigod, please come forward and save us all.