Death of a Salesman

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“Isn't that something...”

~ Willy Lowman on everything

“Simonizing Job Boys...”

~ Willy Lowman on everything his son's do for him

Death of a Salesman is widely held to be the greatest tragedy ever written for the American stage. It was unquestionably the highlight of the career of its writer, Arthur Miller - although his work is regularly challenged by drunken bletherers from Scotland.

A large part of the play's importance appeal today is that it shows just how much America has changed. Miller was aware of this, and was rumored to be working on a modern-day sequel, Death of a Telemarketer.

There is apparently no truth to the rumor that his struggles to make this seem tragic were a factor in his death. In fact, it appears likely that he had abandoned the project, as evidenced by the large bonfire of half-burned wads of paper found in his back yard. It is now believed that he was unable to make progress on the project because of constant interruptions from popup ads, spam e-mail, junk faxes and telephone calls.


Willy Loman (or Licky Dicky as he prefers to be called), is a rusty robotic salesman sent from the future to get laid (personal problems). After many agonisingly horrific attempts, he eventually pays to have sex with a girl called Loose Lindsay, who works at the red light district in Boston. However, after having his way with her, he is then haunted by a fat rich guy formerly known as Biggy B, who claims to be his son from the future. The hauntings get more and more frequent as he continues to see Loose Lindsay, and he eventually settles down with her. They live a fairly normal life and raise a son (Biff), and Harry the dog. However the success of his son, and the death of his dog becomes too much for Willy, and he decides to kill himself by killing his son, who (as it turns out) is his father too.

Biff Loman is a part man - part machine version of his father. He grows up to be a very successful robotic engineer at Microsoft, and is a very active member of the Boston-Homo-Union (BHU), along with his neighbour Berny. However Biff is involved in an experiment to save mankind by creating a robot full of his own robotic genes, to send back in time for a very good reason that nobody seems to know about. He is eventually killed by his father, after shooting the dog because it kept sodomizing him every time his back was turned. His death is proved to be ironic, because it mocks Einstein's theory of photoelectrons, which his father uses to heat him to death.

Berny is the Lomans rosy-cheeked ratscallion neighbour, after having been in rehab at least four times in his life. He wears a digital watch that hadn't been invented then, and raises many questions to what relevance he had in the play. He was very affectionate with Harry the dog.


  • More salesmen have met their deaths by being crushed under a set of A Real Encyclopedia than have died in the wake of all hydrogen bomb explosions worldwide.
  • A special breed of foxhound, the Mozilla Firefox, has been bred to defend its aristocratic masters from online salespeople.
  • A talking book is to be released on the His Master's Voice label to train dogs to deal with pesky salesmen.
  • The playwright, Arthur Miller, was more famous for being shagged by Marilyn Monroe than his other work, something about a bunch of people being accused of witchcraft by a bunch of bitchy teenagers, or something like that.
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