Cowboy Curtis

One of the few known photos of Cowboy Curtis to have survived the attempted historical cover-up.

Cowboy Curtis (born Laurence Fishburne, July 30, 1961) was among the last of a dying breed of legendary American cowboys, most noted for his antics on the popular children's show Pee-wee Herman's Playhouse, which was finally cancelled after he used a rotary canon built by his associate Paul Reubens (alias "Pee-wee") to level the entire playhouse and surrounding set, also killing the lead gaffer, two lackeys, the set producer, three lawmen, and several caterers. The lawmen were seemingly the intended target, as Curtis had witnessed them shoot and kill random innocent drifters in cold blood several times behind the studio lot, a ritual which seemed to take place mostly at night after the gates had closed.

Little is known about Cowboy Curtis, due to sparse records of his existence. His alleged death was proceeded by the appearance of a mysterious prophet (self-proclaimed) who called himself Morpheus.

Historians have long attempted to cover up the existence of this somewhat legendary cowboy and criminal, though rumors of his life and his deeds continue to surface and are heretofore documented.

Early Life

Details of his childhood and family are sporadic at best and more than likely have been completely made up. The best evidence suggests he is a Gollum that was summoned to existence by the jewish wizard Jeffrey Metzger, who sent him forth under the name Laurence Fishburne to sew pestilence and chaos upon unsuspecting Edom.

He was notorious for a style of execution of outlaws and lawmen, whereupon he would ride swiftly toward them on horseback, catching them completely by surprise, and empty his guns at them as he passed by. Casualty rates are estimated at around 52%. This method of execution would be the predecessor for the modern day so-called "drive-by" shooting employed by street gangs and mafia driving phat cadillacs in lieu of the wild stallions of yore.

Cowboy Curtis was known for utilizing unorthodox styles of marksmanship, such as holding his guns sideways for a less obstructed, if less accurate, bead on his target and may well have inspired the John M. Southerner quote, “No man shall come around here aiming his gun sideways; endangering the throngs of casual bystanders!”

Cowboy Curtis was also the only American cowboy legend to 'adorn' himself with the jheri curl hair style.

The phrase "squeal like a pig" may also be linked to Curtis, as when he allegedly ambushed three wayward lawmen near a farmer's pigsty, it is said he taunting them with the phrase from the safety of some tall grass before ending their lives and feeding the bodies to the sty's inhabitants.

Life as a Cowboy

Laurence Fishburne was often mocked by his peers who changed his name to "Low-rents Fish-bum". This may have been partially inspired by Laurence's lack of any personal wealth, due to his being a Gollum. Seeking upward mobility, he naturally dedicated himself to a life of crime, not realizing that this would lead to his becoming a legendary cowboy later on. He began to loot traveling vagrants and merchants, giving little heed to their allotment or their mode of travel. Laurence would go so far as to board moving passenger and cargo trains, stealing all he could before bailing out, rolling roughly on the ground among thistles and tumbleweeds and dirt, roaring with boisterous laughter at his bounty which would be inevitably strewn about him. Crude methods aside, Fishburne did begin to accrue wealth and status. Before long, he had made himself the target of Sheriff Pat Garrett, renowned murderur of Billy the Kid.

During such period as when Laurence was implementing his ride-by shooting method of execution to an unprecedented degree, the Sheriff had been made aware, for at some point he abruptly called off the warrant and bounty on Laurence, who had around this time begun earning the nickname of Cowboy Curtis from locals and lawmen, perhaps due to his oddly curled hair style, which in modern times, is known as the jheri curl. It could have also been due to his shortness with words. Or, it could have been due to the unique curl of his lip when smiling or sneering, both expressions coming off similarly.

It was also during this period that Curtis began to favor shooting his pistols sideways, a technique he may have learned from WWII era combat, where holding the weapon sideways caused the recoil to re-point the weapon along the horizontal, making it difficult for lawmen to determine where he would shoot next. Today, this tactic of shooting is commonly employed by gangsters. Lawmen are required by their training to keep their weapons held in an upright orientation, causing them to be less likely to hit their targets (gangsters, bystanders, etc.) during rapid fire, due to the vertical recoil. Curtis' signature shot using this method was known as the Sidewinder which, properly executed, imparted a wavering trajectory to the bullet, making it nearly impossible to dodge.

During his time as a cowboy who wandered the American southwest, Curtis began having intimate relationships. Since making more of himself was declared illegal and forbidden by the Arizona Sheriff's Department, as a result, Curtis was wanted all over the state of Arizona.

Cowboy Curtis is alleged to have challenged Chuck Norris to a duel while traveling through Texas. Norris roundhouse kicked Curtis' pistols from his hands before he could fire into the air, performed a forward flip over Curtis' head, and caught the pistols as they came back down and gave Curtis a dirty glare, a feat which earned Cowboy Curtis' respect.

Also while in Texas, General Santa-Anna is said to have attempted recruiting Curtis to the Mexican army prior to the Battle of the Alamo but Curtis declined, opting instead to join Colonel James Bowie at the same Alamo where it is alleged he operated a rotary gun placed along one of the short walled sections, killing hundreds of the Mexican army. Thereafter, eye-witness testimony indicates he became bored and left.

Toward the end of his career, Curtis is alleged to have initiated The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny in which he led the remnant of humanity against the machines.

O.K. Corral

Laurence Fishburne provided security for a time to a saloon located in a small town, which was in the state of Arizona. One day while on patrol (laying in the grass and staring at the sky) he heard a loud commotion coming from a nearby road, obscured by scrub. He went and discovered lawmen taunting and torturing some hapless drifters. Curtis became enraged but did not approach. Later, he noticed the same lawmen enter the saloon and quickly put his plan into action; running across town to where was kept a homemade and highly experimental rotary canon, which had been custom made for him by an associate named Paul Reubens and, after attaching it via wagon to a borrowed horse and hauling it up a vantage overlooking the saloon, he took aim and began cranking a hail of bullets into the establishment. Records indicate extensive damage and loss of life. After the mass casualty event, he was forced to flee the town, which was thereafter named Tombstone, and was pursued by a lynch mob who sought the reward on his head. As usual, Cowboy Curtis evaded capture.

Death

During the summer of 1879, Cowboy Curtis was cornered in Pee-wee Herman's Playhouse outside the town of Durley by the local marshal, who had got wind of Curis' presence. The marshal ordered Curtis to surrender, which was responded to with a hail of bullets out of a level 67 rotary canon made by Curtis' associate, Paul Reubens. The marshall was struck in the shoulder and later died, but not before the canon suffered a catastrophic failure and exploded, killing Cowboy Curtis. However, there is evidence to suggest that Cowboy Curtis did not die but survived, choosing to give up his wayward cowboy life and adopted the identity of a prophet called Morpheus, known for his dire warnings of a war against the machines.

History tells that Curtis could not have died in 1879 for a multitude of reasons, but primarily because:

1. He was known for having incredible luck.
2. The rotary canon excursion was mostly to the side and away from the position that Curtis would have been at in order to turn the belt crank and aim the weapon.
3. His personal MySpace, which was recovered in early 2005, would lead one to the conclusion that Curtis had a rather pessimistic outlook in regard to human life. How this is salient is not clear.

Officially, Cowboy Curtis was hung on the outskirts of a small town in northern Wyoming while trying to escape north into Canada. His body was buried and the grave site left unmarked. Sheriff Pat Garrett put out a notice that anyone who mentioned Curtis' name would be jailed for a month.

Unofficially, we know the truth: Cowboy Curtis was one of those rare legendary figures who roamed the early American frontier, and one whose spirit lives within us all.