Countdown (game show)

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Due to a rapidly diminishing budget, Countdown's producers have made several major cutbacks to their already low-budget set.

Countdown is a television programme that has been broadcast every weekday in Britain for nearly 150 years. It scored the highest number of viewer suicides in a single episode, on 18 April 1993, when a contestant was shown on-screen not wearing the obligatory cardigan. It was originally started as a experiment to see how rich it was possible to make Carol Vorderman - an experiment which has now got out of control.


The format of the programme has been copied widely around the world. Several letters are chosen at random, and the contestants have 30 seconds to make the assembled letters into the most complex device that they can. It is a cross between Scrabble and MacGyver. Later, a numbers game was included to be "politically correct" towards maths geniuses.

The high quality studio, said to rival a Channel Five game show

Eventally it comes to a 'Grand Final' in which the two best pensioners do battle for a teapot, oh, and a whole load of dictionaries. Nowadays as it is a more 'politically correct' era, a Second Conundrum is used for a tied game. However before 1991, if the scores were the same then they would fuck each other in the studio. Richard Whiteley almost lost his job in 1989 after deliberately tripping an old woman to stop her winning the prize. Carol Vorderman smacked a man with a dictionary in 1992 in an attempt to aid an old woman. At the Christmas 1987 Countdown Final, Richard and Carol had a fucking match which Carol convincingly won, however Mr. Whiteley got his own back very quickly, by popping the tyres on Ms. Vorderman's Vordmobile and smashing her boyfriend, CECIL, the number generator. From then on, he threatened to do it again if she stepped out of line, which is why she had been constantly praising him ever since that time. However, Richard never made up with Carol, and hated her to the grave. It was said to be his spirit which was giving her the dreadful puns so everyone hated her.


The show often had some interesting conundrums

The repetitive nature of the show is wildly popular, especially with dogs that have been subject to Pavlovian conditioning, and with half Polish Rastafarians due to its flashy lights and ability to make them feel smart for getting a four letter word. It gained notoriety when it was implicated in the 1987 Massacre of The Innocents incident in China, when the perpetrators of the outrage claimed that whilst listening to Countdown backwards they had heard hidden messages urging them to slaughter for Satan.

The first seven letters of Rachels career could have been worse

A famous outtake from the show in 2006 saw new host Des Lynam yawn and nearly fall asleep. When Carol asked why he was so tired, he said it was because he was "falling asleep waiting for that s*** to pick her letters, how long does it f****** take you old bat? You know what, I've had enough. I'm off". With that, he got up, threw his coat over his shoulder and stormed out, apparently never to return. He did so in 30 seconds, to take his precious teapot, and, when he returned, Des O'Connor was in the seat. He sped towards Lynam on the wheelie chair and booted him in the gut, sending him flying back at least 2 miles, meaning that he won't be asking for his job back for a good few hours yet.

In A Champion of Champions series in 1995 someone declared the word WANKERS, and Richard was shocked, as not one letter from the word was in the selection. The contestant said he had just found the word to describe the production team who had edited out his 9-letter word so an old grandma could win.

However, it seems that Countdown's days are numbered and that the show will be subject to a make-over, transforming it into a beautiful new show covering gardening, house decorating, cooking, and trading toot.

A screenshot of Countdown in America

Saddam Hussein, who took over from Whiteley after his boredom-related death in 2005, had a horrible death of his own, when a confused contestant managed to invoke an ancient voodoo right through the improper re-assembly of his countdown conundrum. The skinny girl was said to be distraught.

Currently, the show is presented by that old grumpy bloke from The Apprentice and the only Essex lass who can actually write "Essex" without giggling (but she does a lot of that too). The show has somehow lost a lot of viewers since the lovely Rachel Riley was introduced to the show, presumably because most have died since the show was in its heyday. It does however have its sex appeal back after many years of jokes about cardboard.

Carol loves irony

The new numbers girl has worn many skimpy dresses, which made her a target of news for those boring enough to care. Her first day on the job did not go as smoothly as she would have hoped, having her first letters round going terribly wrong. Those close to Rachel have stated that it is her ambition to surpass old Vorder's record of 2 Rear of the Year Awards and the bookies have already tipped the lovely Rachel to come out on top in the ass stakes.

The show is ridiculed by modern day pensioners, who think Bargain Hunt is a much better way to spend the afternoon. This is because the current economic climate suggests they had better sell their gold pocket watches from their collection of World War One memorabilia to Postal Gold UK.

According to recent surveys the only people still watching Countdown are prepubescent boys who are on inset days from school, old men desperately trying to regain the ability to get an erection and friends of Rachel, doing exactly the same only more successfully. Given her unquestionable sex appeal, Rachel has been the cause of uncontrollable boners for current host Grumpy Nick Hewer which has been hard for him to handle in his old age.

Shock Departure[edit]

In July 2008, it was revealed that Vorderman was leaving to pursue a more lucrative career in the Porn industry - she has always said that she is capable of taking multiple consonants up her vowel at one time. While this move may seem a shock to most, those close to her point to her recently trimmed figure and penchant for ultra tight leather and super high heels live on the air. Max Mosley was not available for comment on this matter.

In the same month, the letter S departed. In a statement released by the consonant, who has always been a popular character among the crew and viewers, it stated that "The 90% pay cut is just not justified. I'm leaving the show, reluctantly." The departure of the letter S has been said to have caused serious problems for the show, as the words "SISTER", "POSSIBLE" and "SEX" will be much harder to spell. Richard Whiteley was not available for comment since he died of a boredom-related illness in 2005. Carol Vorderman said of the show's current status: "I understand S's decision to leave because after Richard popped his clogs, I wanted to get the F out of there!"

See also[edit]