Constitution of the United States (actual text)
of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
Section I. Any male constituent who has attained the Age of Twenty-One years shall vote for a nobleman of his choosing to represent him in the legislature. He shall freely cast his choice on a ballot in a designated voting bureau and deposit the ballot in a box. After all the constituents accomplished their duty of Citizenry, the box contents shall be dumped in the nearest river and the predetermined winner be announced to the People.
Section II. Any elected representative in the Land of the Free shall receive 10 slaves Free of charge, with only shipping and handling to be paid, and shall be refunded if not satisfied within 30 days.
Section III. Any legitimate citizen of the Country shall aspire to become a Representative and serve his People regardless of gender, social status or ethnicity. Women, black people and working-class commoners shall not be considered as legitimate citizens.
Section IV. Every aspiring Congressman must have a blank criminal parchment or at least lie about it in a satisfactory manner in order to be trusted with a seat in Congress. No Congressman shall befoul the Trusted Institution that is Congress with honesty.
Section V. The Military of the country is to abide by the Laws of the Union, to suppress Barbarian Insurrections, and to repel the Primitives from the North in the event of invasion; it is not in any case authorized to be entangled in foreign affairs, nor to be used for invasions unless Congress authorizes such action. However, should a black syrupy substance gain importance one day, this section is to be completely ignored.
Section VI. The Union shall collect four (4) horseshoes or a barrel of Ale for every Slave coming in the Land by means of Boat. The owners of such Slaves shall hit the person with a maximum of twenty-five (25) whiplashes a day. Shall they exceed that limit, an extra barrel of Ale shall be given by the Offender to Congress as a Courtesy.
Section VII. The Representatives are expected to sport good behavior at all Times and, as such, shall not fire their Colt in the Vicinity of the Congress without prior approval from the Speaker. Should a disagreement between two (2) representatives be apparent, the Speaker shall call for a duel in which each participant shall draw his revolver on the count of ten (10). The Congressman who doesn't trespass wins the argument and shall present his Bill.
Section VIII. The Representatives shall park their horses in the Congressional stables in an effort not to clog the trail in front of the building. Any horses left in front of the Congress will be towed.
Section XIV. The Representatives shall not lie to their constituents, distort the Truth, nor hide facts from the electorate under any circumstances. Should a Congressman commit any of the preceding offenses, the punishment incurred shall be absolutely nothing.
Section I. Any President shall be a natural born American unless they can produce a lawful-looking counterfeit birth certificate.
Section II. Impeachment is a last resort maneuver and shall be lawful under the following circumstances:
- The President is found guilty of a High Felony such as Genocide.
- The President is actively working with Foreign Nations in a plot to kill more, but no fewer, than One Hundred Thousand Citizens of the Union.
- The President stains someone's dress.
Section III. The Presidential electoral process shall be as complicated as possible so that no man, woman nor child can understand anything of it. It shall involve Delegates, Bound Delegates, Straitjacketed Delegates or whatever the Nobles of the Future will come up with.
Section I. Liberty and freedom and justice and brotherhood and love and tolerance and equality and liberty shall be enjoyed by all Caucasian males who own at least 160 acres of land and own one score of oxen or two score of he-asses and she-asses.
Section II. The Supreme Court is to be the greatest of all the courts in America and is to have the final say in any legal case if it so decides. No Supreme Court decision shall be overridden unless the tobacco industry, petroleum industry, or pharmaceutical industry thinks otherwise.
Section III. The People shall not breach Peace in the land nor commit crimes. Piracy on the high seas, horsejacking and Grand Theft Carriage are to be punishable by forced labor aimed at building the tracks for the upcoming steam-powered horse.
Section I. In case the Union wants to communicate with the Old Continent, a bottle containing a message scribbled on tree bark shall be thrown to the High Seas as smoke signals have proved to be fruitless. The bottle shall not be a refundable one.
Section II. Any network-utilizing technology that connects people to a centralized hive of information shall be free from regulation, including telegraph networks, horse-drawn mail delivery, ticker tapes, and whatever new technology may come from the fruits and majesty of scientific investigation.
Section III. The budget allowed to the National Sky Exploration Agency shall be tenfold (10) the allowance given to the Children of Poverty. The new artifact called 'Binoculars' should be the Agency's first priority. Posters commanding the People to refrain from looking at the Sun directly shall be distributed to those who can still see.
Section I. There shall be an Article V in the Constitution of the United States. Nobody shall refer to it as a filler.
We hereby declare solemnly that we were totally stoned out of our asses when scribbling this Document and that it shall rule the Land eternally.
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