Christian goths

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Created by the inbreeding of Goths and Christians, Christian Goths are a rare and mentally sub-par race of beings. Like all Goths, they cause hypocrisy radars to break down by moving around in groups, dressed in black attire and makeup, excessive piercings, and are often mistaken for drag queens. However they differ from their Visigoth ancestors in that they have forsaken the ancient tradition of sacking Rome and putting the church to the torch, making them enormous hypocrites. Many goths wish to be either dead or Japanese.

Interestingly, Christian Goths hate the world, but thank god for putting them there.


The most obvious difference between Christian Goths, Goths, and Christians, is the way they cut their hair. Christians see their hair as part of their soul, and never cut it for the full extent of their lives, which led to the creation of the fairy story, Bat Man. Goths often shave their heads, making it easier for their souls to escape through their noses when they sneeze. Christian Goths, however, dye their hair black to stain their soul, all the while keeping it intact, and complain about head grease on their Live Journals. While most Goths are individually agnostic, and Christians follow the Bible, Christian Goths like to interpret scripture as they see it.

While it is true that goths generally wear lots and lots of crucifixes, for no particular reason, a Christian Goth is far more likely to have them the right way up, symbolizing the Cross of Christ instead of the Cross of Satan, which is a symbol that Satan designed to make fun of Saint Peter, who was crucified upside-down because he didn't want to step on Jesus' turf.


Christian Goths generally conform to the common Christian cosmology, but with various science fiction and/or Occultic abrigements, and the various sects attitude towards sin and pain.

Most Christian goths laugh at creationism as being some kind of trap set up by secular humanists to trick Christians into looking very foolish. They tend to believe in a conspiracy to cover-up C. S. Lewis and other Christian intellectuals for this same purpose.

After the creation of the universe, it is believed that Adam and Eve ate "the fruite" of the knowledge of good and evil (which is thought to be some kind of poppy plant, or some metaphor about ego, either one is possible).

Calvinist Goths believe God to be both good AND evil, and that sin and pain are very natural and should be celebrated equally (these are particularly indulgent Goths and are surprisingly amoral, even more so than secular "normal" Goths).

Other Goths, however, believe the universe to be generally good but human society to be more or less screwed up after the fall. These particular Christian Goths cling to the writings of Sigmund Freud, and passages in the New Testament that claim that "to save the life is to end it and to end it is to save it" (the implication of which is that life as we know it is in actuality a state of LIVING DEATH, try to deny this one when your stuck in the freeway).

There is usually some sort of extraterrestrial interpretation on the identity of Lucifer and other Angels (fallen or otherwise).

Christian Goths praise Jesus as the ultimate Goth, the best nonconformist ever who allowed himself to be horribly mutilated by Roman Jocks and Jewish psychologists for the sins of man (wow man). His long hair is also a bonus (and those forns look wicked).

They then cry, write bad poetry, drink stale coffee and act pretentious in their moral preaching combined with their ideas of conformity (which ultimately boils down to whining about the futility of Earthly life, exactly like any typical Monk should).

It is said that Arthur Schopenhauer went through a Christian Goth phase before adopting Buddhism.

NOTE: There is also another group called Gnostics (fans of the Alternative Rock band Gnosis) who often are confused for Christian Goths, however are very distinct in that they are actually suicidal emo transvestites who reject sensible NeoPlatonism for a bizarre form of absolutist dualism, stating that the world is evil and literally made up of shit, thus life could never be called an act of God lest His name be blasphemed. Most Christian goths call this way of thinking "crazy" or Imbicilic as a 'God' can never do anything by accident, as a result, many are usually Calvinists or Presbyterians who believe in predestination, and many believe in a form of Panentheism (a few simply hate fallen existence like other good Christians, only more honestly).

Diet of non-Christian Goths[edit]

Blood of course, where did you think communion came from? Christian goths are also occasionally found consuming other substandard non-nutritious foods. Occasionally (usually crunchy, cheezy, spicy stuff to punish their mouths with). Most however go onto prolonged fasting periods (just like Jesus, Moses, and those other guys).


Approach with caution, and do not insult Jesus or Trent Reznor within earshot.

See Also[edit]