British Armed Forces
The British Armed Forces are the most war-like and violent species of humans. So they tend to do the craziest of things, including things like leaving a GAZILLIOMILLIOTRILLION troops to play strip poker ping-pong while leaving Queen Mugabe to fight the zombie menace (Spain), and mainly your mum.
History aside, the British forces today are never seen without the likes of Madonna leading the troops into battle. She still refuses to go back to her origins, the USA. Good you guys can have her.
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The Royal Navy is the oldest of Britain's armed forces and is known as the "Senior Service". It is the eldest child and so acts responsibly and carefully, and saves all its pennies. In peacetime, the Navy is primarily employed on lakes and council duckponds and can be rented out to small children for a five-minute trip round the lighthouse. Their ships consist of the HMS Useless, two dinghys, the HMS Ant and HMS Dec and a rowing boat powered by Ellen McArthur. The mention of these ships has been enough to paralyse most other navies in fear, though the Iranian navy ship the INS Infidel developed a rare immunity to this effect.
Royal Air Farce[edit]
The Royal Air Force is the newest of Britain's armed forces and is known as the "Royal Air Force". It is the youngest child and is spoiled rotten, buying all the new toys from America and going "Wheee! Look at me!" in their fancy contraptions. It is staffed by highly trained planespotters and flies aircraft that are the meager best that Europe can build, and hence must be kept in a constant bubble-wrapped state for 365 days of the year (meaning Britain will only declare war on February 29th). The Royal Air Farce is only available for twenty minutes a day, two days a week (not weekends) and only every other week, calling outside of those hours will send you to a call centre in India... calls cost 2,000 Rupees a second.
Some shitty flying metal bird thingy was also developed by Britain and some other crappy unheard of countries in Europe like Spain and France but no one cares about them, (called the Eurofighter). Called the Eurofighter because it was actual developed for when Britain gets up off its lazy, immigrant infested, arse and brings down the rest of Europe to eternally beg at its toes. It's so fucking awesome it was designed to not be able to fly, that's just how good it is. Course then again, they invented the bouncing bomb, plus some other shit other countries cried to the British to get help making, but the other countries (especially the United Slaves of England) but they dont get credit.
Royal Bear Force[edit]
The Royal Bear Force is the unknown division of the United Kingdom's military, Tom Baker said it's "The best friggin' force in the whole world. yerrr!" because they paid him to. They paid the Queen to say it but she wouldn't say "friggin'". It recruits only bears or people who look like bears eg. Brian Blessed. The Royal Bear Force consists of flying Bears with lasers and baseball bats the latest war involving The Royal Bear Force was against the Shite Iranian Elite Forces in Jew Town.
British Army[edit]
The British Army has always been quite miffed that its official title doesn't include the word "Royal". Widespread and generally well motivated, recruits in the Army have been known to be so committed to their underpaid job, they actually committed suicide by shooting themselves in the head, twice. The Army is the middle child of Britain's armed forces. As such it can be sullen and a little bit stroppy, but speak to them nicely and they'll come out of their shells, mark my words. By far the most withdrawn is the Parachute Regiment, whose almost pathological shyness is known throughout the world.
Royal Salvation Army[edit]
The often ignored, weedy younger sister of the Army, the British Salvation Army has long stood by the idea that wars can be won without the need for all the fighting, or as they call it All that nasty rough and tumble. Many a member of the Salvation Army has gone up to an enemy trooper during wartime, in the hope that they will convince him to stop fighting. However, as many enemy soldiers are foreign (except for Scotland, Wales & Northern Ireland), most people don't understand what the members are trying to say, and kill them on the spot. This has led to a decrease in members for the Salvation Army.
Doctor Who[edit]
When all other branches of the British armed forces fail, the Queen will often call upon the powers of international super-spy Doctor Who. However, for a brief period between 1989 and 2005, Doctor Who was unavailable as it was discovered that he is not, in fact, a doctor. He was just pretending, because he fancied gynecology.
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This page was originally sporked from Britain. |