Bob Uecker

Bob Uecker kicking back a glass of scotch.

Robert George "Bob" Uecker (pronounced /ˈjuːkər/ YOOK-ər; born January 26, 1935) is an American former Major League Baseball player, later a sportscaster, comedian and actor. Uecker was given the title of "Mr. Baseball" by Johnny Carson.

Early Life

As everyone knows, Bob Uecker was born in Tennessee to a family of hillbilly moonshine smugglers. He grew up on a large plantation where his family grew marijuana. it is known that his family owned nearly 700 slaves, most of which were used for prostitution. Little is known of his early childhood because he has no birth certificate and lived from town to town. What we do know is that Bob Uecker only received a ninth-grade education. After that he taught himself everything he knew by reading old sports magazines and the back of Jack Daniels bottles. At the age of 13 he ran away from home and was raised by wolves until the ripe age of 18. This is when he realized that the wolves were in fact Ewoks which landed in a UFO crash near his home. At a young age it was apparent that Bob Uecker was an extraordinary baseball player. He found his niche at catcher because of the fact he was born with double jointed knees. Unfortunately due to this odd condition it made him horrible at every other sport. He was made fun of and was ridiculed for years. This caused him to stay indoors where he honed his skills at obscure household activities such as Poker, Ping-Pong, bowling, croquet, mini-golf, and is still the reigning Scrabble, and national Spelling Bee Champion.

Baseball Career

Bob Uecker was exposed to baseball through his very large family. Since he had 17 brothers and sisters, it was easy to play baseball with the entire family. His twin brother was a great pitcher so naturally Bob played catcher because of the continuity they naturally have from birth. Bob and his twin brother Al played together until Al was abducted by aliens in 1953 in the middle of a game in New Mexico. After the tragic event Bob was seen catching in Texas where George Bush, the owner of a small baseball league offered him to play. After many years in the minors, The St. Louis Cardinals, where he developed his life long obsession with scotch. He only caught in the major for 25 years being forced to retire because of his alcohol addiction.

Announcing Career

Since Bob was short on money because of his extreme alcohol addiction, Bob started announcing curling tournaments in Northwestern Wisconsin to supplement his income. After rising through the ranks, Bob soon started announcing College T-Ball in the orient of college T-Ball in Whitewater, Wisconsin. This is where he was discovered by scouts for the Milwaukee Brewers. He was offered a spot as the team's announcer with a signing bonus of a lifetime supply of Scotch (to keep on the ball, if you will).

Milwaukee Career

Bob Uecker started his career for the Brewers soon after the bombing of Pearl Harbor with his long time partner Skip Bayless. It is known that Bob got all his inspiration, and announcing prowess because of his extreme drunkenness. Early in his career he invented the toaster strudel to help his hunger fixes during games. He also patented many catch phrases. It is also a known fact that every time the Brewers hit a home-run or long fly ball, Bob masturbates while the ball is in flight yelling, "get up, get up, get out of here, GONE!" and proceeds to ejaculate all over the crowd.

Other Endeavors

Bob Uecker In the Oval Office.

While having a successful career as an announcer his acting talent was pushed to the side until the opportunity arose. His first acting job was C-3PO in the hit movie Star Wars. He quickly followed this role as the Janitor on Scrubs. After a few lesser roles in pornographies, and low budget slasher films, he got the role as the team announcer in Major League and the not so successful Major League 2. After a long hiatus from acting he returned as the lead role in Twilight. This rocketed him back into stardom as an A-list actor.

After the economic crisis in 2007, Bob though he would try his hand at politics. He ran for president in a new party, the Beerpublican party. After secretly assassinating Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama he was a sure win for the presidency. After a not so close race against Mayor McCheese, he was elected 44th president of these United States. He was soon impeached after trying to pass a law to legalize marijuana, and making it legal to use steroids in the MLB.

Taking a break from acting in 2008, Bob decided to try his hand at announcing another sport. He became Lon Mcaren's partner calling the World Series of Poker. After being arrested three times for public intoxication and ejaculating over the winnings when Chris Moneymaker won, he was removed from this announcing job. Bob quickly rushed to the doctors office to get large breast implants, just because he could. These were later removed because current Brewers announcing compadre Winnie the Pooh was not happy with them.