Blue States of America
- The FBI does not believe this article exists, and neither do you, if you want to stay alive.
The Blue States of America are one of two opposing factions currently fighting the Culture Wars in the United States of America.
We Blue Stater can be identified by our bright blue skin and lack of large egos. We can also be identified as being the best, the sexiest, incredibly athletic, smart, right, the happiest,... um best educated, and most productive, not crazy, and the best. We are open-minded listeners, young, sexy, and did I mention the best educated... and of course we are not, and I emphasize the word not, egotistical. The Red States are the exact opposite of us, losers. It is a fact that the rest of the world views us as the smarter people of America. Trust me it's true, I went to the University of Wisconsin Madison. The animal symbol of our great Blue States are a jackass.
History[edit]
Really Early History[edit]
A long, long time ago, around 1800 or something, some people lived in the mountains in Kentucky. They inbred until they turned blue. It's true. They're the Fugates of Troublesome Creek.
Early History[edit]
The Blue States of America were invented by Bill Clinton in 1992, when it occurred to him that it was probably best to adopt a party colour that didn't bring "dirty commie" to the mind of the average voter. The Blue States soon conquered most of the USA in Clinton's name; they were indirectly aided in this by the Perotian sub-faction, who turned against the Red States in a futile attempt to seize control themselves. Four years later, while the Blue grip on power had been undermined many times, the Blue States nevertheless returned Clinton to power over the USA with gains and losses here and there: Blue presence was driven out of Montana, Colorado and Georgia, but the Blues went on to claim Arizona and Florida.
On other planets[edit]
The blue people on other planets have been known as the Nav'i, and were the main actors in the film Avatar. They are VERY hard to kill.
2000 Election[edit]
In 2000, the Red States acquired new supplies of ammunition in the form of Bill Clinton's extramarital affair and used this new superior firepower to completely drive Blue presence out of the South. The Red States' new figurehead leader, George W. Bush, resolved to unite (not divide) the country under the Red States banner -- and indeed, with this directive the RSA took from the Blue States the states of Nevada, Arizona, Louisiana, Arkansas, Ohio, Kentucky, West Virginia, and even annexed Blue leader Al Gore's home state of Tennessee as a personal "fuck you". With Indiana no longer a Red enclave in Blue territory, the Red States went on to make another one in New Hampshire. For a while it seemed as if Florida would remain in the Blue States, but at the last minute it switched allegiances to the Red States due to an inside coup and the Blue States of America lost dominance over the nation.
In the aftermath, at the beginning of the eight-year period of Red States dominance, the territorial boundaries of each faction remained mostly static. In fact, there was the brief hope (i.e. about two weeks long) of a reconciliation between the two factions in the wake of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11th 2001 -- both sides got so determined to avenge the country that they forgot, for just a moment, how much they in fact hated each other. This soon unraveled as the Red States leaders began pointing fingers at a completely unrelated country on which to exact vengeance: once the sadly unheeded Blue States started protesting "that's fucking stupid!" and were responded to with "shut up, traitor", tensions between the two factions once again resumed and reached unprecedented heights.
2004 Election[edit]
Despite the ongoing warfare between the Blue States and the Red States, there were no border changes until 2004, when the Blue States of America selected John Kerry as their new leader. In an effort to prevent any defections by their own territory, propaganda was disseminated by Red States leader George W. Bush, a draft dodger, to the effect that John Kerry, a Vietnam War veteran and three-time Purple Heart winner, was a pussy on the battlefield. Incomprehensibly, it worked: the real effect of the boundary shifting was that of each side coalescing into large geographical blocks -- Blue enclave New Mexico was conquered by the Red States, while Red enclave New Hampshire realized how fucking stupid they'd been four years before and switched their allegiance back to the Blue States. The Red States of America also orchestrated a surprise takeover of Iowa -- the Blue States' attempt to retake Ohio, however, was thwarted by the Red States' rigging of the Ohio terrain to work against any Blue advances in what has become known as the Diebold Maneuver. With their dominance over Ohio retained, the Red States of America remained the dominant faction in the USA.
