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“This is more ridiculous than The Church ov Jesus Christ ov Latter-day Saints!”

~ Behemoth on St. Anger, one ov the recent albums ov the United States ov America band, Metallica

The Behemoth is one ov the Jew Gods from the bible. He has been rendered many times in art and literature, but none ov these depictions had even come close to the true image ov the behemoth. He’s actually just a really big hedgehog. The behemoth is the Land and Earth’s Administrator. He has been in a conflict with the leviathan for 23 years.


The behemoth trained all his life to become a major-league basketball player, planned to go on and win the Superbowl and get his name engraved on the World Cup. This, unfortunately, never happened. Instead, behemoth had devoted his life to grammar and set a goal to one day set up an actual, organized language. He had taught this great language to his closest friends and family, and would one day spread it worldwide. This language was called American. Many would try to change it, or even stop it entirely by giving it snobby accents and refusing to learn it.

Behemoth would spend so many hours disfarbulating that eventually his words took physical form, and eventually became planetary, and merged with leviathan’s menstrual blood. The blood was dubbed the sea, which the leviathan would rule, and the better stuff was called the land, which the behemoth would rule. From the land came all the good stuff, like animals and Stephen Colbert. Leviathan was hellishly jealous.

Musical Career[edit]

Behemoth became a rock star mostly in the purpose ov Polish girls.

At an early age the behemoth had an interest in music. After coming to terms with being born too late to be a part ov the New Age movement, a massive oil spill during an erotic bathing session left him with permanent facial markings, inspiring him to invent black metal. Eight years and several vacant live gigs later, he branched out by incorporating other musical styles including Belgian folk, medieval polka, progressive hip-hop, and rain forest ambience, creating the genre we know as death metal. His most recent album, "Evan-gel-lion", sold over 9000 copies in Poland alone.

Leviathan Vs. Behemoth[edit]

For no article, see Leviathan versus Behemoth

Current Life[edit]

Nowadays, Behemoth is just out there in the world being, well, big. Also, he is inspiration for the death/black metal band ov the same name, Behemoth. Lead singer Nergal started the band when he was young, and they have been slaying people with their killer songs since their creation. Their newest album is case you wanted to know. As for Nergal, he also has a part time job working at Walmart. Orion spends his nights as a gigolo, satisfying female fans in the back room ov the bus (a common term for these sessions is "interviews"). Seth, a "session appearance", can be found lounging around, doing shots and singing 80's metal for kicks. Inferno can be found playing video games and tapping on random things and people in a rhythmic fashion. Ov course they always make time to sacrifice babies and worship Satan, as is proper.

See Also[edit]