From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“Amy who?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Amygdala

The amygdala is a vital part of the Brain Wave Adventure revealing the secrets of activating the brain and destroying clouds. This is an excerpt. And it's all true.

Amygdala clicking[edit]

Location of amygdala

When the Big Guy upstairs created mammals, he felt that it would be wise to give them a means of controlling emotional memories. Thus, he inserted the “Amygdala” (Greek for "almond") into the brains of all mammals. Being an “all seeing God,” he saw fit to include this "nut" like object in the brains of humans since he felt that this would be a constant reminder to both him and the species as to just how crazy/nutso the human race is capable of being. But, having a mascot of sorts was not enough for God, and so he also gave our species a theme song. Yes, God does have a sense of humor.

Lower animals with much smaller frontal lobes than humans - chimpanzees, for example - are not able to SELF-CONTROL their amygdala like you can with your human brain. By learning how to click your amygdala forward whenever you like, life becomes beautiful - instead of stinky. If you identify yourself as one of the "lower animals," then it would not behoove you to learn how to "click" you amygdala on demand, since much of the time it will happen automatically as determined by environmental factors. Thus, you can dropout now and retain your spot on the evolution hierarchy. If you do choose to do such, then do not falsely assume that by subscribing to the "stinky life" philosophy is necessarily a bad thing. Remember, all forms of life have a place in the Big Guy's scheme. Besides, “lower” mammals seem ecstatic with their designated roles in the "stinky life" style. Ever notice how some of the "higher" of the "lower" mammals (doggies) introduce themselves to each other by stuffing their proboscises up each others anal orifices? The fact that they do it with such relish, enthusiasm, and gusto should be enough proof to anyone that the “stinky life” is not all the bad? The main difference between us (higher) and them (lower) is that we perform such acts as part of a greater strategy and that, as we know, is a higher brain function found only in the uniquely human frontal lobes and the fact that we are capable of identifying the fact as a fact classifies us as “higher.” As humans we are capable of rationalizing the performance of such acts as being a part of a larger ingratiation strategy...a necessary survival tactic that has been environmentally selected for.

As it turns out- the amygdala is connected directly to your olfactory nerves- your nose and sense of smell. Utterly profound this is, for it scientifically objectifies the existence of lives "stinky things” and supports our claim that the amygdala controls all aspects of the “stinky life.” Furthermore, this neural-geographic tidbit alone is enough to prove that what we are saying is “cosmically ordained by the Big Computer in the Sky” due to the fact than nothing in the universe is a product of chance, but was will into existence by our Big Computer. If you do not like to work, don't want to read this entire article but want the benefits, then luckily for you there is the "Amygdala Clicking Shortcut."

The Amygdala Clicking Shortcut. First you need to find some monstrous bloke. The next step is to activate the "finger wiggling" you did above. For this to work effectively then approach the intimidating stranger you just identified, look him/her straight into the eye, raise your right hand between the both of you, and wiggle your middle finger in his face. Chances are, he will then help you click you amygdala forward and backward by pounding your face into the nearby brick wall. Realize though, that the amygdala stuff only it happens inside your brain instead of on the end of your arm. Yes, it is this type of profundity that makes us the unique species that we are. What other animal could tell you that a brain component is in the brain, and a finger is on a hand? Highly evolved us humans are.

Do this:[edit]

Wiggle your right index finger... easy, isn't it? Okay, wiggle your left big toe... easy too? Okay, ready for the big exercise?

You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out, you put your right hand in, and you shake it all about,

You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around that what it's all about.

Now, locate your amygdala (This is how not to find it)... you click it forward using your frontal lobes- IMAGINE that your amygdala is like a click toggle switch- Now click the switch forward towards your forhead (sic). There! You did it. Did you feel it? If not then you can try the following to kick-start it: have a friend place a 2 X 4 on the back of your head...right where it bulges out, then have a second friend hit the 2 X 4 with a hammer. Feel it now? Good for you.

What clicking the amygdala can do for YOU[edit]

You will learn how to click your amygdala forward and turn on genius levels of creativity, intelligence, pleasure, and even ESP in 1/10 the amount of time that students took to learn back in the early days of our brain research. Yea, we have all kinds of anecdotal evidence about what we did back then while sitting around eating acid, watching the trails of the camp fire flames leap towards the heavens, while Jimi played in the background. Pure creative intelligence culminating in the ultimate of physical love and group orgies. It really did happen, but we are having some difficulties in locating the data. It seems that in our excitement to hit that ultimate ESP moment that we used the data reports to roll our blunts. But hey, if you really have the ESP gene then you will be able to extract the data from our group brain telepathically.

Think of the most fantastic, exhilarating, or happiest moment of your life. Got it? Now multiply that times a thousand, or ten thousand. Or a million. That's what it feels like when you POP! your frontal lobes. For real. Then from there, your recognition of future consequences get thrown out the window! Yea, remember when you first got laid? Yup, shot your wad in your pants before you even got the zipper down, but that was then and now is now. You have moved on and now suffer from premature ejaculation, but that is okay nobody wants to have sex with you anymore anyway because you never did learn "good" hygiene. For now, just forget about all of the bad things about yourself...soon you will be going to the stars via the "transcendence" tramway.

Shortcut to Transcendence: For those who want a sneak peak at "transcendence"then you may want to try this little sneak peak to artificially stimulate your frontal lobes. To get a good feeling of what "transcendence" feels then start with a pair of jumper cables...connect the red end (that is positive) to the bald/shaved spot on the top of your head, and connect the black end (that is negative) to your tongue. WOW. So that that lifeless brain of yours does not drain the battery, then may want to keep the car running while you do this...doesn't it feel so, so good? For a different kind of kick, try connecting the jumpers to your anus and tongue...WOW-WOW-WOW.

The frontal lobes are the most advanced part of your brain. Kind of like the fillet mignon of the brain without the salsa. The frontal lobes are that part of your brain responsible for creativity, logic, intuition, new problem solving, synthesis of ideas, imagination, concepts of time, and planning. Yup, the frontal lobes allow you to fantasize about sex, and if you are creative enough then not only will you be able to massage your member while thinking of the babe down the hall, but you will be able to do it while simultaneously whistling "This Guy's In Love". Yes, this is what we call multitasking. Multitasking is another attribute of the frontal lobes just like the telepathy we discussed above is.

By clicking your amygdala forward, you cause electro-chemical activity to occur from the base of your brain all the way through to the most advanced part of your brain, the frontal lobes. Say what? Oh, you mean that an electrochemical charge will travel from a lower brain region to higher brain regions? (Yea, people have a tendency to be verbose and have difficulty in explaining simple ideas simply. So, we gotta step in occasionally and set things straight so that the common folk know what the fuck is being said.)

Clicking your amygdala forward, self-stimulating the front portion of your amygdala, causes automatic sensations of pleasure and peace of mind. Why yes, anytime any organism experiences "pleasure" then they also experience "peace of mind." Think of every time you have been laid...ultimate pleasure. After sex do you go ballistic on the world, or just lay back petting your partner and light-up a pleasure, total relaxation. Nothing new here.

"Whoa" you say. The best day of my life times a million! Impossible! No, I say a what the fuck you talking bout? For entertainment purposes I will play. Okay, I tried to imagine the best day of my life times a million-zillion-tilion-zitillion, but I don't get it. Even if I could remember the best day of my life, then why would I want to erase that memory by sugar coating it with fantasy? Also, you talk like my life is nothing more than a big pile of fetid shit. So who are you to say I should make it better?

Well okay, let's examine this popping phenomenon in another more plausible fashion that shouldn't be too hard to accept as a possibility.... Okay boss, but why do you continually talk down to us common folk? Why, let us tell you something a "popping," be careful that you do not confuse it with "pooping." To fully understand "popping" will require: 1 4-quart pan, a bag of popcorn, and some oil. Pour the corn into the pot and cover the corn with oil...make sure the oil just covers the corn, no more or no less. Now, place lid on the pan, and put the pan on a hot burner or campfire. In a bit you will hear a explosive that is "popping."

Imagine the most fun you've ever had, or more to the point, the best feeling you've ever experienced. Got it? Now imagine figuring out how to feel this feeling once a month, every month. That's not too hard to accept now is it? How about, once a week, every week? How about every day for the rest of your life? Mmmmmmmm... Wow! Yes. Okay, I am imagining the best feeling I have ever had...getting laid. As I continue to stir-up these lucid pornographic images I notice that something is beginning to grow inside of my pants. a grab it and seek relief or do I just let it keep growing until I have blue-balls? Oh wait, I get are telling me that I need to whack-off everyday...and in doing so my amygdala will turn me into "Count Dick-u-la?"

What would you do with FREE MONEY?[edit]

You could exchange that money for goods and services. Or perhaps you would like to roll around naked in that money. Am I right? Am I right? YES. SEE??!!??! What in the holy fuck are you talking about? First of all, why would I want to roll around naked in dirty-ass bills? Also, if I did get some money then what the fuck is it to you if I buy a car, or a months worth of fellatio?

When you learn brain self-control, you pop your frontal lobes. This is a honest-to-goodness physiological brain function. Both pleasure intensity and frequency becomes your reality. And it is just the tip of the iceberg. What the fuck are you talking about? And what about the free money? Ah, I get it, the free money was just a gimmick to try and sucker us in. Do you think that we are stoopid of sumthin? About this frequency...specifically, what bandwidth is it?

Frontal lobes transcendence is the addition of increased frontal lobes activity to the point where only positive pleasurable emotions are felt. This is a result of a higher perception of reality and a more successful mode of operation for the individual in the environment. Okay, so now we can just ignore all of the bad things in the world...rape, murder, famine, poverty, etc., they are no longer real. Hence, they no longer exists because like Descartes said: "I think, therefore I am." I say: "If I thinks it doesn't exist then it doesn't exist." Fantasy becomes reality, and reality becomes fantasy. The only problem with thinking this way is that they may institutionalize you. Physical reality is real and you can try to escape it, but to say that only "pleasurable emotions are felt" is to live in denial. Try jumping in front of a moving bus and tell me how pleasurable that is! Or, does the brain self-destruct due to the conflict between real pain and perceived pleasure?


By continually self-stimulating the most advanced anterior portion of your brain- your frontal lobes, by "clicking your amygdala forward"- you get continuous creative intelligence pleasure.

Clicking your amygdala forward is simple and very easy once you understand how your brain works and recognise the process. It has been there since the day you were born.

Frontal lobes fun is made possible by EFFORTLESS EFFORT, the increased use of the brain potential already existing inside your head.

Your brain will run like an efficient, cool run, natural machine. You will feel good, and your ability to function and solve problems is tremendously enhanced.

Frustration, anger, fear, pain, and other negative feelings are reduced tremendously or even eliminated by your frontal lobes. You "drive around" negative emotions as easily as you drive around obstacles in the road, once you learn how to see forward with your frontal lobes. Just as a child learns how to walk and outgrows falling down, you will outgrow falling down emotions once you learn some basic facts about how your brain works.

And at the same time[edit]

Your ability to concentrate on your goals, think clearly and act more intelligently in your own behalf and for others is tremendously increased.

You transcend, rise above and beyond, and eliminate bad feelings and the "problems" of life.

Brain Travel[edit]

Brain Travel - this is another name for what is commonly referred to as "remote viewing" or "astral travel". This is the ability to have your mind someplace your body isn't. When you are able to click your amygdala forward, it is an elementary thing to switch on the remote/astral travel components of your brain, which reside primarily in the frontal lobes. Some legitimate research has shown that this can actually be done with accurate perception of objects and thoughts hidden and distant to the observer.

How to Brain Travel[edit]

Brain Travel is most easily done when the immediate environment, both physical and psychic is quiet and undisturbed. This means, little or no traffic noise, TV, and certainly no little kids running around the house. Perfect quiet is ideal. (However, when you are practised at Brain Travel, however, you'll find you can even do it on the city bus if necessary.)

Use good headphones for the best results. Cheap computer speakers will not do at all and the effect will be GREATLY reduced, if not altogether eliminated. Really good computer speakers may work, but again, not as good as phones which will also filter out any minor noise that will distract from the experience. It is important to hear all the nuances and frequencies of the recording. Your out-of-body Brain Travel experience facilitated by the sound/music input will be only as high quality as the care you take to get things right.

Adjust the volume level on your computer after the first minute so it is loud but not disturbingly loud. Some good volume is necessary. You want it dark so the only stimulation to your brain comes from your ears and from the lights inside your frontal lobes.

Cloud bursting[edit]

You have pre-existing circuits in your brain for psychic and telekinetic powers. They are in a dormant (currently unused) area of your brain. By learning how to click your amygdala forward, you can activate these areas easily and quickly. You can change clouds, maybe even the weather, with your mind. This is the CLOUD CENTER of your brain.

Here is what you are going to do[edit]

Go outside on any nice day. You want to pick a day in which there are common cumulus clouds in the sky. These are the white puffy cotton candy type clouds. Not super dense hard-edged or rain clouds. Look for clouds with soft edges. These are easiest to start with. You want to pick a day where there is a good amount of blue space visible between the clouds, about a fifty percent area of blue space to clouds, maybe a little more sky.

Pick a day when there is no wind. Wind interferes with this game, and makes your job pretty much impossible. If the cloud cover is too dense so that the clouds are grey, or too far away this won't work either. Also, find an area where you won't be distracted or disturbed. If people are watching you, or if there is a lot of noise around you, it will ruin your concentration. Also, if you are new at this, and you feel like you are under pressure to perform, forget it.

Now what?[edit]

What you are going to do is vaporize specific clouds in the sky that you choose and pick at random.

Here is how you do it:

  1. . Sit or stand in an open area where you can see good amount of open sky. Too many trees around you can interfere. Make sure you follow the previous requirements.
  2. . Click your amygdala forward, and make sure you are in a positive and open state of mind. This is important. If your amygdala is clicked backwards and in a negative and/or closed state of awareness, forget it, this won't work. Breath slowly and deeply, but totally relaxed and naturally.
  3. . Pick out a specific separate cloud. Ideally, pick one than has other clouds next to it or surrounding it, so you can compare your efforts. Pick a small cloud to start with, something about the size of your outstretched hand or smaller. Pick a cloud directly above you or nearly to start, so you know it is nearby. As you practice, you can move on to bigger clouds, and ones that are farther away.
  4. . Visualise energy flowing from your frontal lobes out towards the cloud, and visualise it vaporizing and disappearing from the sky. You can visualise that you are increasing the heat in the vicinity of this cloud, causing the water vapour to evaporate- no cloud.
  5. . Remain unattached to your results and efforts, as if you really don't care whether or not this works. Relax, let the energy flow, and wait. If you strain, grit your teach, tense your muscles, or mentally make effort it just interferes with this process. Remember, you click your amygdala forward with a feather, not a hammer. This is really easy to do, easier than walking up a flight of steps.
  6. . A cloud about the size of your outstretched closed hand will take from four to eight minutes to completely disappear. Your chosen cloud will vaporize, and surrounding clouds, no matter how close they are, will remain completely unaffected.

Why it didn't work?[edit]

This activity is so far out of the realm of conventional thinking, most people who get as far as trying it don't have a pre-conceived built up resistance to it, and are successful right off the bat. But unfortunately, if one hasn't taken the time to clear up the general state of one's brain with some good brain self-control, even when it works, it comes as such a shock that many people can't handle the realization that it brings. And it stops. But that's not you, right? Good!

External links[edit]