Amy Acker
“We have the technology. We have the capability to build the most adorable caucasian female. Amy Acker will be that female. Cuter than any before. Cuter, more adorable, more innocently sexual.”
“I will call her, Mini-Me.”
Amy Louise Acker born December 5, 1976 in Dallas, Texas is an American actress. She was created in a laboratory by the U.S. government to be the most adorable caucasian female ever to walk the Earth. Though the original project was to create the most adorable female of any race, it was finally admitted by the project designers that no caucasian can be cuter than the cutest Asian, not even a caucasian genetically engineered for that purpose.
Career[edit]
Though her early career as a genetically engineered cutie took the form of a fulfilling life being dressed up in schoolgirl attire and sucking lollipops, she eventually escaped from the lab and eked out a passable existence ushering passengers through Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport and was paid in Taco Bell food.
While living on her own, she adopted a Jack Russell terrier named Wishbone who knew a guy who knew a guy and got them both parts on a television show for slow children. Though Acker got second billing to a dog, she later got revenge when she became more famous and stopped returning his phone calls.
After a number of small parts including an unfortunate turn in a movie written and directed by William "The Shat" Shatner, she was cast by self appointed genius Joss Whedon in the role of Winnifred Burkle on Angel. Playing a cutie, she found the role was perfectly engineered for a woman engineered to be cute.
The 2005 season of Alias marked her next appearance as a television series regular. She played a villain in what was largely considered the most adorable portrayal of a baddie since Shirley Temple played the title role in Nosferatu. Shortly after Acker joined the cast, Alias was cancelled because her co-stars refused to do anything but sit all day in her trailer, gazing at her and asking to touch her hair.
For Acker, there followed her "wilderness years" when concerned fans would knit her scarves patterned with kittens and send her cupcakes begging her to eat something at least once a week. Being possibly the most fragile porcelain skinned human being who ever lived, she was unable to step outdoors when wind speeds exceeded two miles per hour, since her waifish frame could easily be blown away with the leaves. After one particularly stiff breeze near her L.A. home, she was found tangled in a tree in Oklahoma. California newscasters now regularly include an "Acker Alert" in their weather forecasts. Eventually she solved the problem by never leaving her house without holding hands with both of her unfeasibly cute children (see Personal Life below), using them as ballast in moderate to heavy winds.
Acker eventually found a niche guest starring on TV shows which otherwise would not have met their annual "Cuteness Quotiant", a law introduced in the late 70's by President Jimmy "Send in the Hot Chicks" Carter. The Cuteness Quotient is the percentage of screen time in any one show which must be devoted to women so adorable the very pixels on your TV screen will sigh with joy. Acker made guest appearances on the likes of How I Met Your Mother, CSI, Grimm, The Good Wife, Law and Order: Criminal Intent, Private Practice, and many others, where producers used her as a rent-a-cutie to compensate for the gargoyles in the regular cast.
Then in 2009, Joss Whedon, the self appointed genius who had given Acker her first break in Angel, cast her as reclusive Dr Claire Saunders in his psycho-babble TV thriller Dollhouse, a show about people who aren't the people they are meant to think they are supposed to be. Aware of what had happened on the set of Alias, Joss Whedon kept Acker locked in a basement for the entire run of the show and only let her interact with the other actors when her face was disfigured by prosthetic scars.
From 2012 to date, Acker has reprised her role as the Earth's most adorable villain, this time for the reality TV show/surveillance documentary Person of Interest. After the first week, sales of tissues to the demographic of men with working man parts shot up by 600%, prompting Kleenex to send her a thank you note.
In 2013 Joss Whedon (yes, him again) cast Acker as Beatrice in his film adaptation of Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing. Unable to resort to fake scars this time, Whedon drugged the rest of the cast and protected himself by shooting the entire film in black and white so he would never have to look directly at her perfect skin tone and glistening hair. Even so, screenings of the film were blighted by male audience members suffering massive coronaries every time Acker said "thou" while pouting.
A recent report from the World Health Organisation has estimated there are at least 359,003 men worldwide who are still single because they had hoped to find someone like Amy Acker. The WHO report also notes that Acker is the only woman in her 30's known to be getting cuter with each year.
Personal life[edit]
Acker is married with two children which qualifies her as a MILF. Her son was born with no fewer than two surnames in 2005, and her daughter was born in September of 2006, and just so we're clear, I call dibs just in case. As unlikely as it is that the marriage is a sham and she is having a torrid affair with sometimes castmate Alyson Hannigan, some still hold out hope.
Notable Appearances[edit]
- My Dream Last Night (last night) ... Herself
- Alias (2005–2006) ... Kelly Peyton
- My Dream The Night Before (the night before) ... Herself
- Some Movie by Shatner I Still Don't Care to Look Up (sometime) ... someone
- My Day Dream Last Wednesday (last Wednesday) ... Herself
- Justice Friends: The New Class (2005–2006) (voiceover) ... Huntress
- My Dream Two Nights Ago (two nights ago) ... Herself
- Angel (2001–2004) ... Winnifred Burkle / Illyria
- My Dream on September 4 (2006) ... Herself
- Wishbone (1995–1997) ... various
- My Dream Last Week (last week) ... Herself / Her Naughty Twin