Why?:Trade Your Family's Only Cow For Magic Beans

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Why, hello there!

Hello there, good sir! How are you this fine idiot-conning morning? That's quite an emaciated cow you have there! She looks malnourished. What's that you say? Your family is about to starve to death and this cow is your only source of income? Well, that's interesting...

This Must Be Your Lucky Day!!

I have a proposition for you, my good friend - one you simply cannot afford to miss! What's your name my friend? Good to meet you Jack. What an odd name. You remind me of this fine fellow I met yesterday, Jack I think his name was. Anyhow, you look like a shrewd and not-at-all gullible person. That's why I'm making you this offer. A lesser man, a man without a nose for a good deal would almost certainly turn this down. But not you. You hebetudinous simpleton.

Hmm? No I didn't mutter anything. I was just saying how good you look in that outfit. Very fetching. The filthy rags look really suits you. So anyway, back to the deal, my malnourished friend...

This is the Deal of a Lifetime!!!

You would have to be a complete idiot to turn this deal down my friend, and you are certainly no idiot. I will trade you five – nay – six magic beans for that one measly cow. Now I know what you're thinking: this deal sounds so good, there must be a catch. But let me assure you, there is no catch, my good mark...I mean, my good man. Sorry, Freudian slip.

But you can rest assured my friend that these are real magic beans – certified by the University of Fairytale-land's Department of Magicology. This isn't one of those Magic-Bean scams you hear about in the press – no sir – this is the real deal!

Magic Beans! The beans of a thousand uses!

“So what can I use these beans for?” you say! Well, that is an excellent question my good lad. "What can't they be used for?" is a more pertinent question. These are no ordinary beans, my friend, though they may look like ordinary beans, though they are in fact identical in every meaningful sense to ordinary beans. No, these are magic beans!

“Wait a minute!” I hear you say, “aren't these just Heinz Baked Beans that have been cleaned off and covered in glitter?” Haven't you been listening? These are magic beans. Magic!

Magic beans (serving suggestion).

Perhaps a demonstration is in order. OK, here we go...

Got your nose!

See that. I now have your nose. That is the power of the beans my friend. The power of the beans. But it doesn't stop there. These beans can cure measles, arthritis and impotence; a concoction of beans is a powerful love potion/date-rape drug; if you plant the beans they will grow a beanstalk which you can climb and enter a magical giant's kingdom in the sky! There's no end to the uses of these magic beans.

Don't believe me? Read these testimonials:

“Well at first I was sceptical. I thought, “there's no way these can really be magic beans – this must be some sort of con.” But boy was I wrong! I was able to put that bitch Sleeping Beauty (just called 'Beauty' at the time) to sleep for quite a while.”

~ Wicked Witch on those yummy magic beans

These beans made me good at boxing. I'm so proud of them, I put my name on them. - George Foreman

Still not convinced?

Well, it's up to you my friend. I thought you were smarter and more open-minded than that. OK, I guess I can throw in this book on crystal healing to sweeten the deal. I'm really going out on a limb for you my friend. These beans normally retail at two cows and half a chicken. What do you think you're going to get for that thing at market? Food to feed your starving family? Not likely.

Perhaps you need another demonstration? Here is a hat - just an ordinary hat, as you can see. But if I place it on top of this rabbit cage with a cloth over it, and use the magic of the beans... as if out of nowhere, a rabbit appears!

Just an ordinary top hat. No secret trapdoors...

Only an idiot would turn down a deal as good as this!!!!

Seriously. When people find out that you turned down magic beans you will be a laughing stock, my friend. You don't want that do you? You don't want to go down in fairytale history as the cretin who didn't trade his family's only source of food for a handful of magic beans – do you? No you don't. So just give me the cow and I'll take her home for my own purposes.

Did I mention it would also save you the long walk into town?

It's a pleasure doing business with you

You are wise, my good man. Very wise. You definitely will not regret this particular transaction, my good friend. Now, I shall take this cow of yours and go hustle more idiots...I mean, conduct some more business transactions.


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