Why?:Are motorists out to get me when I ride my bike?

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It is a sunny Saturday afternoon, and there you are riding your bicycle, innocent as a daisy on Main Street. The birds are singing and all is at peace in the world.

Then - disaster strikes! Some fat soccer mom in an SUV totally cuts you off, and you fly over your handle bars and land right in a pile of dog shit that was clearly sitting on the sidewalk in anticipation. This is your lucky fucking day.

You get up and dust off your open wounds. While attempting to evaluate the degree of yard sale incurred by this incident, you reflect: "Why does this keep happening to me? Why are motorists out to get me when I ride my bike?"

Because you're an idiot[edit]

No, you are not deluded. Motorists are out to get you when you ride your bicycle. With due justification, most likely, since 99% of cyclists are dicks.


That remaining 1%? That accounts for Lance Armstrong. He is not a dick because he had cancer and I have one of those yellow bracelets which makes me feel motivated when I never go to the gym.

So why am I calling you a dick? Because you're the sort of person who is too poor and stupid to own a car. Or maybe it was all those DUIs... whatever. At any rate, you probably don't even know the rules of the road. You probably failed your drivers test. Many times.

You know what this is?!

No, you definitely don't know what's what. People who know what's what know what these things are:

  • stop signs
  • traffic lights
  • turn signals
  • lane markings

You, I can tell, do not know what these things are. I bet you also cut on to the sidewalk if it is to your advantage, all the while laughing at motorists like myself stuck in a traffic jam. You were probably that guy who made my grandmother fall and break her hip last fall. You were probably also that guy who held up traffic by biking down the middle of the lane, which caused me to get fired for being late.


Extenuating factors, or "Because you're an idiot cont..."[edit]

This is not what I meant

Why else are motorists trying to kill you?

Because you are a menace. A menace to society. People like you are a menace to society, a menace to the hard-working, responsible people of the world. People like me.

And what do I mean by people like you??? Well, ask yourself this, my cycling enthusiast friend... would you describe yourself in any of the following terms?

  • a hippy and other sort of filthy, dread-locked, pot smoking type person with an "environmentalist" agenda?
  • a communist?
  • an artist or other sort of person with a job with no intrinsic value to society?
  • a university student or other sort of slovenly layabout/foreigner "underprivileged" person who cannot afford a car?
  • an aspiring athlete or other sort of purveyor of geeky spandex?

All of the above? Doesn't surprise me. Only that kind of person would be stupid enough to think that society doesn't want to kill them.

Closing remarks[edit]

Oh, you thought I was kidding?

Haha, that's funny.

Because I wasn't. One doesn't joke about such things.

It's science baby. Straight up Darwin and shit. Survival of the fittest: contributing, useful members of society own cars. And those cars? They run worthless people like you over and eliminate your weak, stupid, lazy DNA from the gene pool, if your stupid bike seat and spandex hasn't already done this. It's for the greater good.

Roads are made for cars. Bikes are playthings.

Now go play in traffic, plz.

Quite right.