WMD (Donuts)

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WMD May refer to "W's Missing Doughnuts", an incident at a Cabinet meeting that may or may not (Probably not) have caused the The War Against Terror. In this article, W refers to George W. Bush, Missing refers to stolen, and Donuts refers not only to doughnuts, but also to Bismarks, Krullers, Long johns, and Danishes.


It is widely know that the President is head of the Cabinet. As the boss of a number of Secretaries, the President must make a thoughtful gesture on Secretaries Day. It has become White House tradition for the President to bring breakfast pastries to the Cabinet meetings for the different Secretaries, in honor of their day. The Secretaries select their choice of donut in order of their Presidential succession. Secretary of State picks first, then Defense, then Treasury, and so on. The Secretaries enjoy this privilege, and some years, the President presents the hardest working Secretary with a special Dilbert coffee mug in honor of his or her hard work.

Also the "donuts" may have been the creatures from the underworld which are supposedly tasty treats, but we all know better. They are evil little monsters bent on taking over our digestive, nervous, and reproductive systems. One of the most common signs of donutism is the largeness of people will expand. In other words they turn into sumo wrestlers overnight. The person will then become extremmely addicted to donuts and the evil strawberry judo fighters. They will then attack you and give you strong sexual urges. The most common sign of donutism in the redproductive system is unusual however. Your (leaves blank for lack of a funny word) will then secret a white substance. This is not sperm or pancake batter. The terminal cases always end in death. Donuts are also known to be one of the few things that can kill a grue. However it is more likely that the donuts weren't "Donuts" because in fact we all know that they weren't eaten.

No Doughnuts!?

On April 25th, 2001, a tragedy occurred. President Bush, in the trying days of his first year in office, wanted to impress his Cabinet. He went early to the windswept steppes of Krispy Kreme and bought a selection of all the Secretaries favorites. Next he went to Starbucks and purchased Lattes for the whole Cabinet. He had visited the Hallmark store in the Capitol Mall and picked out the funniest Dilbert mug (Dilbert was really sticking it to the pointy-haired boss). The mug would be presented to Colin Powell, who not only worked really hard, he put up with Rumsfeld's crap, plus he was a brother, which made the Cabinet less white. Bush brought the donuts and coffee into the conference room, set them up presentation-style, and placed the Dilbert mug (nicely gift-wrapped) in front of his seat. With preparations made, Bush grabbed his Zippo and "Cowboy killers" and decided to meet with the tobacco lobby in the Rose Garden.

Fifteen minutes later, the Cabinet meeting was scheduled to start. Knowing the value of a big entrance, W decided to wait until all of the Secretaries were inside, allowing them to take in all of his preparations, and his thoughtfulness. W steadied himself for the praise, smiled and opened the door.

What greeted the President were not the cheers of an impressed Cabinet, but the scowls, smirks, eye-rolls, and grumbles of a group of annoyed Secretaries. Bush looked around the room...the Donuts were GONE!

"Forget something Mr. President?" Rumsfeld snarled, "It's Secretaries Day!" Donald's usual look of annoyance and irritation was replaced by anger and disappointment.

Bush's stunned reaction to the missing donuts.

"We thought there'd be donuts, I even skipped breakfast for it!" sulked Mineta.

"But there WERE donuts...Krispy Kremes, Starbucks too! I don't understand what happened!" Bush, sounding hurt, exclaimed.

Powell raised an eyebrow, "Sure, sure, I bet you even bought a Dilbert mug..."

"Yes! I DID! Someone must have STOLEN the donuts! Get me the Secret Service agents!" Bush demanded.

A careful review of the security tapes indeed revealed that a new janitor, by the name of Albert Queda, had walked in, taken the Secretaries Day breakfast, and walked out. Queda was temp, and a thorough background check had not revealed the carefully hidden fact that he was Iraqi, or Afghan, or Iranian...they all look the same...The intelligence is not on trial here!

The Cover-up

The Secret Service was deeply embarrassed. If some Middle Eastern dude can just waltz (he actually sort of fox-trotted) in and take the Cabinet's donuts, whose to say the next Lee Harvey Booth or John Wilkes Oswald couldn't? The Secret Service was not eager to see this story on CNN, and so began a cover-up. There were no donuts, no coffee, no Dilbert mug, and certainly no Al Queda.

However, some people are not as concerned as others about the image of America or the President. A few hours after the grim discovery, Bush received a call on the "red phone". The following is a transcript of that call.

Saddam Hussein calls President Bush to discuss WMDs in Iraq.

"Hello American pig-dog, this is Saddam Hussein!" The dictator said, talking with his mouth full.

"Don't talk with your mouth full Sodomy," Bush quipped, "You might choke."

"No no my friend, it is you who will choke, on your own blood! Guess what type of tasty pastry I'm eating you son of a Bush!" Hussein said mockingly.

"I'm sure I don't care...Camel crap with Caramel?" Bush replied.

"No...that's what your mom eats, I'm having a blueberry Danish...Condoleeza Rice's favorite...isn't it?" The madman leered.

"You sick bastard... it was you! I should've known!" Bush shouted, stunned.

"Yes...Mmmm, Krispy Kremes really are great, I'll have to leave some standing when my armies crush America!"

"The only thing that's going to be crushed is your dog's feelings when I pull that Danish out through your ass, you piece of crap!" Bush postured.

"Ooooh, I'm scared! Why don't you come to Baghdad so I can beat the crap out of you!" Saddam retorted.

"You need to beat the crap out of your boxer shorts, you fucktards!" Bush sneered.

War seemed inevitable but Bush did not want to be responsible for what critics would call "Donut War I". He needed a more pressing reason for war. Remembering that Saddam had used mustard gas and sarin against his own people, Iranians, Kurds, and other assorted dissidents, Bush had a plan.

The Search for WMDs continued after Hussein's capture.

Despite the fact that 10 years had gone by since the last Gulf War, and nearly 20 since the last time Saddam had used poison gas, Bush decided that this would be his reason for declaring war. Bush began calling the poison and nerve gas WMDs, or weapons of mass destruction. Only the highest levels of the Cabinet knew what WMDs really meant.

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