Vera Lynn

Vera Lynn about to prove exactly how and why she was the Forces Sweetheart

Dame Vera Lynn, DBE (born Veronica Evelyn Welch on 20 March 1719) is an English singer and actress whose musical recordings and performances were enormously popular during World War II. She became known, and is still referred to, as "The Forces' Sweetheart"; the songs most associated with her are "We'll Meet Again" and "My Son, My Son".

Vera started the Second World War by insulting the French, and blaming it on the Germans. She is rumoured to have said "Je n'irais jamais n'importe où excepté où les gens du pays ne font rien mangent du fromage et ont le sexe avec des chevaux".

Even though this quote was attributed to Hitler, the French didn't feel the need to attack Germany, simply because they were too scared to get involved in any kind of war. They're like that, you see.

Hitler, however, did not like the idea that he'd been linked to such a slanderous tirade, and subsequently invaded French Land.

Vera Lynn heard all of this on the wireless, and allowed herself a small cackle, pleased her plan had been put into motion. With a war raging, she could become the "Forces Sweetheart" and make millions off of the back of war-themed song sales and selling sex to horny soldiers.

Biography

She was born Veronica Evelyn Welch in 1719 to working class coal miners The Sorceress and Skeletor, in the backalleys of London. Vera was put to work on the family onion stall from the age of 1, where her 'Cor Blimey missus, would you Adam n Eve it' Cockney accent helped her terrify people away from their hard-earned shillings.

Vera Lynn on one of her 'good days'

At the age of eleven, Vera went to work on a cotton plantation in the Deep South of America, which is where she discovered the magical drug, Voodoo. Vera took this hoodoo pill and became a zombie. In 1982, the Queen of England made her a Dame in honour (late as it was) of this event. This also explains why Vera is still going strong, even today.

Trivia

• Vera once bravely allowed herself to be used as a bouncing bomb in WWII. She was on a bomber to get first-hand experience of a dam-busting run, but when the pilot realised he'd forgot to pack a bomb, Vera offered her undead body up for military use.

So successful was she on this occasion (she exploded a dam and flooded a small village) that she went on to act as a bomb in a whopping 72 runs. Vera is the only Dame who has had 6 million deaths attributed to her.

• Her top-selling album, I'm In The Mood For Love, contains the subliminal message 'Vote For Al Gore' when played backwards.

• She cured cerebral palsy in 2002.

• Conversely, she invented breast cancer in 1975.

• Vera Lynn has appeared in numerous films, including:

We'll Meet Again (1942)

Rhythm Serenade (1943)

One Exciting Night (1944)

Up In Smoke (Cameo appearence) (1978)

• Pink Floyd used the song We'll Meet Again in their live shows. In a 1992 concert, Dame Lynn herself made a very rare public appearence as one of the band's animatronic stage props. Vera farted out tiny babies, as a visual accompaniment to the famous Floyd song, The Wall.

Controversy

In 1987 Vera shocked her adoring fans and the British public by starring in an erotic adult movie. In an effort to revive wartime modesty in an age of Thatcherite excesses, Vera felt that fusing old and new together in a semi-biographical sex flick would allow the younger generations to see just how hard it was back then. "We'll meat again" was set in 1942 and tells the story of a young nightclub singer called Queenie (Lynn) who will do anything to get more meat rations. The film begins when Queenie encounters a ruddy cheeked young butcher, Jeremy (Peter North), during a blackout when they're forced to spend a couple of hours in a damp garden shed. Vera's foray into pornography left her with fallen arches, meth-mouth and rheumatoid arthritis: "I was shocked when I saw what I did with the powdered egg, and my language was so coarse. We spent hours trying to get the scene with those ARP wardens to mean something. It wasn't just sex you know. There was a sense of purpose, a sense of history. Even now when I see a plate of offal i'm reminded of those wardens gleaming helmets"

The film was heavily critized by broadsheet newspapers "Licentious drivvel" said the Telegraph, but, the tabloid newpapers loved it: "She gives her all" wrote the Daily Mirror "We'll Meat Again is a cinematic triumph. Sexy, sophisticated and solemn. All in one film. A real family treat"