UnTunes:Twas A Brat Before Christmas

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Do all those annoying unrealistic Christmas songs get you down? Want something closer to reality?


Well just listen anyway...

Twas A Brat Before Christmas[edit]

Twas the morning of Christmas: all hell had broke loose

Little Tommy was shouting and screaming abuse

The stockings were flung cross the room with great force

That bastard St. Nick had screwed up - of course!

The iPod expected was not to be found

The Xbox 360? 'Twas nowhere around

A present lay open, but he couldn't look

For it was (huh) JUST A DUMB FREAKIN' BOOK!

With writing and binding, an index and pages

Tommy yelled, "What the F? Is this the middle ages?

I can't even sell it for favours or cash"

And so, with a flourish, it went in the trash

Composure returned; twenty eight gifts to go!

Tommy tore at a box like a smack-addled ho

He shrieked, closed his eyes (his pants, so wet)

What a blood-curdling sight - a JUNIOR PAINT SET!

With a mouth dry of saliva, and a tum full of sick

Tom thought hard about pistol-whipping St. Nick

Or finding his sleigh and "adjusting" the brakes

And to finish a dinner of fine reindeer steaks!

No cellphone! No Nikes! No damn MP3!

A sweater! Some mittens! A jacket, so crappy!

Tommy climbed on the roof and he started to shout

"Hey Santa Claus! Santa Claus! SORT THIS SHIT OUT!"

"I've done all my homework the best that I can,

Only ONCE did I send my sis to Japan

The cat didn't need BOTH its ears, I surmised,

So the crappiness of these gifts has me surprised!"

"I made me a list and I checked it ten times

Created a website and put it online

Twenty billboards were hired; a sky-writer or three

Even Leno gave me a quick plug on TV"

So began Tommy's mad anti-Santa tirade

"When I'm eighteen, an ant-farm won't help me get laid!

I really must ask, Santa, what kind of dick,

When I ask for a skateboard, brings a Pogo Stick?"

"I thought you were clever, I thought you were funky

But now, I'd have more confidence in a monkey!

You've got a weight problem; your dress sense is wack

And the beard makes you look like a hobo on crack"

"You live in an igloo, and hang out with elves

Who I'd guess (by their smiles) like to pleasure themselves

I've had it with Christmas, so next year I'm gonna,

Change my name, and hook up with Madonna!"

In the midst of his rant, Tommy boy heard a sound

And a nicotine-stained, sweaty hand turned him round

Kris Kringle stood there, and with whisky-dulled slur

He bellowed "You nasty, ungrateful young CUR!"

"You think I enjoy all these hours of graft?

And squeezing my huge ass down some chimney shaft?

I'm tired and cranky, you arrogant pup

So, if you'd be so kind. JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!"

He sprang to his sleigh with a leap that was so swift

And took off, burying Tommy in a snow-drift

And we heard him exclaim, as a big grin he flashed

"Happy Kwanzaa to all, now I'm off to get SMASHED!!"

Lyrics/Idea: Moneke

Vocals: Someone who'd be so kind

Tune: Twas the Night Before Christmas