UnScripts:You Don't Know Me, Motherfucker
This script art a part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.
Main Page | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection
You Don't Know Me, Motherfucker is an autobiographical Film and Screenplay written by Al Pacino. Made with brutal accuracy, it chronicles the highs and lows of his life and career as an Actor/Philanthropist/Gangster. Al has permitted excerpts to be used from his Screenplay, along with accompanying illustrations and stills from the film itself, as he is an avid fan of Uncyclopedia, as well as wanting his work to be easily available to students and stoners alike. This is a prime example of the acting style taught in The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting, as well as possibly being some of his finest work.
Chapter 6 - Al the Teacher
Because Al is so experimental that he starts somewhere in the middle of the film. Tarantino didn't get the idea out of thin air... On August 12, 1962, Al Pacino was sitting on his front lawn in The Bronx, polishing his guns and getting tanked on Coronas, when his neighbour Martin Sheen's son, Charlie, wandered out on to his lawn and began playing with Pacino's weaponry. It was from the events following on from this that he realised he could pass on his knowledge of acting to others.
EXT. AL PACINO'S FRONT LAWN
A 4-year old Charlie Sheen toddles over to Al Pacino's gun case. Pacino eyes him warily in a half-drunk, half-confused gaze.
- Pacino: What the fuck you doin, Kid?
Charlie Sheen clumsily tries to pick up Al's Magnum revolver. Several gang-members walk across the street carrying a boom-box radio, fried chicken, and numerous bottles of Cider and Gin. One of them takes out his gun to impress his homies with the new piece he picked up from the local arms dealer, Samuel L. Jackson. The rest of them talk fast-paced gibberish that only a semi-illiterate person like Al Pacino could understand.
- Pacino: Now, here comes trouble...
They finally reach his front lawn and see young Charlie holding Al's gun.
- Stereotypical Gang Member #1: Oh Shit! Check this motherfucker right here! He just done went an whipped out the heater!
- Stereotypical Gang Member #2: Now, that just straight igno'ant holmes! We should blast this fooooool...
- Stereotypical Gang Member #1: Yo, hold up brothers! (To Charlie) Yo little-man, you 'bout to represent? Cuz if you is, you better holla' so I can know when to smoke yo' punk ass!
Charlie Sheen, not knowing what the hell they just said, looks to Al for help, who is to busy downing another one of his beers. Charlie then turns back to the Gang-members.
- Charlie: Bang Bang Boo Boo
- Stereotypical Gang Member #1: Huh, I knew this guy was a buster. Punk ass motherfucker! C'mon dawgs, let's roll up out of this bitch.
The gang begin to walk up the street, throwing meaningless quips to one another about how young Charlie "wasn't about to do nothin'". Al pats Charlie on the back and passes him a beer.
- Pacino: Hoo-aah! I gotta hand it to ya. You got balls, kid. But in life, balls are only gonna get you so far if you ain't got the swagger to back them up. C'mon, I'll show ya what I mean.
Al gets up and, leading Charlie by the hand, walks up behind the Gang-members.
- Pacino: Hey you, Shithead!
The Gang turns around.
- Stereotypical Gang Member #1: You talkin to me?
- Pacino: Yeah I'm talkin to you, you 50 Cent-wannabe motherfucker! You slime! You God-damn welfare-weasel! Whoever said that you could roll up in my hood, talking the shit you talk, walking the way your crippled-ass walks.
- Stereotypical Gang Member #1: Oh shit, this honky motherfucker think he a God-damn poet. (Laughs)
- Stereotypical Gang Member #2: Nah man, he think he a rapper, you know, like Eminem! (Whole Crew Laughs)
- Stereotypical Gang Member #1: Fo' real, man... Who the fuck you think you are tryin to act all hard.
Al squares upto the Gang member
- Pacino: Lets me an you get somethin' straight right now. I ain't no fuckin' Robert Frost, and I certainly ain't no Snowman motherfuckin' Slim Shady. Secondly, I been nominated 12 times for the fucking Academy Award and I...(interrupted)
- Stereotypical Gang Member #2: Cracker still only won once...
Al looks at the interruptor, and violently shoots him in the foot with his Magnum. The rest of the Gang members crouch on the floor, cowering away from Al.
- Pacino: As I was saying, I been nominated twelve time for the Academy Award, an I still ain't moved out the Ghetto yet. What does that tell you???
- Stereotypical Gang Member #1: I don't know man...please don't kill me dawg...i was just playin!
- Pacino: It tells you, that I am more of a gangsta than you will ever be. So give up now, before I put you in the ground...Hey, I'm speakin' to all of you, what the fuck do you think you are doin' with your lives. Did no-one ever tell you that you were old enough to work with MEN!! You fuckin' juveniles. Go on, get up! I didn't play Frank fuckin Serpico just so the government could pay you to piss me off in the middle of a street. Get jobs you fuckin' delinquents, or I swear to God, I am going to publicly LYNCH you!!
The Gang members begin to shuffle away, with two of them carrying their wounded homie under each arm.
- Pacino: And give me that God-damn fried chicken!! (Takes the Bucket of chicken). You motherfuckers think that just cause you got a poor socio-economic background you own Kentucky Fried Chicken! GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!!
The Gang flees from the street and escapes. Al gets down on one knee to talk to Charlie, who has been standing there all this time watching the sick violence ensue.
- Pacino: So do you understand now, kid? It takes more than just balls to make people do what you want. It also takes here (points at Charlie's head) and here (points at Charlie's heart). Once you got all these things working together, the world is yours, chico!
Charlie nods to Al
- Pacino: Good, now go practice what I showed you on those two people over there. (Points to a group of two Nuns collecting for charity)
Charlie nods and takes Al's Magnum, running up to the nuns screaming "MOTHERFUCKERS!!!" Al returns back to the chair on his lawn, and with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken in one hand, and a beer in the other, he watches Charlie Sheen victimising the two nuns, and with a slow, satisfied smile forming on his face, sighs to himself:
- Pacino: Hoo-aah...
FADE OUT. (CUE APPLAUSE FOR AL PACINO CREATING ANOTHER SOON-TO-BE OSCAR-NOMINATED CHARACTER BASED ON HIMSELF)