UnScripts:Sex Seafood: Special Director's Commentary Edition

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This exclusive version of the film can only be found on the Special Edition DVD. Commenting on the film are it's co-directors, Peter Bogdanovich (BOG) and Unrelated Quotes Guy (UQG).

BOG: Well ah, welcome to the audio, comments, section, of the l-l-long awaited release of this.. hurh, film.. Sex Seafood. I wrote it, and I am, of course, legendary director, Peter Bogdanovich... I am joined today. By eh, sigh.. my co-director, and generally confused individual, Mr. Unrelated Quotes. Guy.
UQG: Knowing is the easy part; saying it out loud is the hard part.
BOG: Yes, of course... Lets us, eya, begin? Yes, of course.

Act I: Meet Alister[edit]

Alister stands in the large tank, alone.

ALISTER: I've been in this condition for a while... Its hard, life is hard. Hard for a lobster...

UQG: Well, you see, there's gold, and then there are pants.

Alister shuffles towards the glass a bit

ALISTER: There must be something more. Where is emotion? What comforts does this world afford us in life!? Surely it isn't only the view, the distant, wonderful bar of salad...

BOG: This was a, erm, scene.. that was really filled with.. well.. sigh.. substance. You can already sense the ahh, "melancholy." In it. This scene...sssssss...this scene was a more drawn out, speech, but Guy didn't want so, early? Early in the film.
UQG: The prime minister sympathized with the Turk's concerns about Polish rebels.
BOG: Right. Ohuhhh, this is one of my, cough.. favorite lines..

Grabs food pellet in pincers

ALISTER: Flecks, flecks of nonsustaining nourishment... I would like to visit that salad bar one day... If I weren't a lobster, I'd be a great explorer. Or a wizard! Yes, the greatest wizard of them all, one Orson Welles could be proud of! But lo, I am here, and am no such man or beast endowed with that majestic gift of sorcery. No... merely... I exist. Where is justice for this soul of mine?

BOG: I don't think much of the uhh audience understood that subtle reference to my best friend, Mr. Orson Welles..

Alister looks off into the distance

Act II: Alister and Daphne[edit]

BOG: Oh, this is a-a-aaaa, good story.. Guy, tell the viewers how you, sigh, came up with the c-character of uh, Daphne the crab.
UQG: Good God! I've been sayin' it. I've been sayin' it for ten damn years. Ain't I been sayin' it, Miguel? Yeah, I've been sayin' it.
BOG: Clearly.

A crab (by the name of Daphne) is placed in the tank; she approaches Alister

DAPHNE: Hello..

ALISTER: I've lived in this tank all my life.. I was born here, you know, in that corner just over there. All I've ever thought about was art, music...beauty... and the ponderous wanderings of my own mind. Now I'm in the autumn of my years, and all I think about is that nondescript, chunky crust that sustains us, floating down from the heavens.. Our very existence, hanging in the balance... Without that little crust floating down into the water, WE WOULD ALL DIE! What could it possibly mean?!

BOG: It was...siiiigh.. was rather difficult to eh, film this portion, right here. Mainly because the le-huh, eh, lobster, and crab kept trying to fight.. each other. I had to, aaahhhh... cut all of that footage out. I, of course, did a good job of this.
UQG: I'm throwing your backpack out the window!

DAPHNE: You're standing on my worm flakes.

ALISTER: Is that all that occupies your thoughts? Nourishment? There must be a greater purpose in life; something more than waddling around, collecting dust (and food pellets)! Why are we here? Where are we going? Why do we sit in this cage, at the mercy of the humans, while they are free to feed upon the fruits of the salad bar to their fat hearts' content?! We are living in an environment where we are completely separated from the harshness of the outside world. We are isolated from our nature! Spending our lives in this glass box! It reminds me of... insanity.

BOG: That there, ah.. Oh! That is, uh, one of the more interesting pieces of dialogue, in this film.. I was in Milan siiigh.. when I wrote that passssage.
UQG: Slaves could draw love, protection, support, and cultural verification from their extended families. But how did Mr. Burton's interpretation differ from that of the original story?
BOG: Of course.

DAPHNE: I wouldn't want to live in the ocean. I'd miss my worm flakes.

ALISTER: Christ, am I the only creature here who has any knowledge of the metaphysical?

DAPHNE: Is that a brand of fish food?

ALISTER Of course not! I speak of the SOUL, woman! Don't you ever wonder about the meaning of the dreams you have? What kind of valuable insight into the inner workings of your spirit they may offer? Haven't you ever read Carl Jung's Man and His Symbols? It's all about the meaning of dreams, and what kind of insight dreams may offer into the inner workings of the soul! I just finished it last week, it was a truly fascinating work of literature!! The ancient philosophers of the ancient world believed that the soul was only awake when the body was asleep. Our dreams are the gateways to our SOULS!

BOG: That line really provides some insight into...um...the ah...mind of Alister.. Smythe had some.. er, trouble with that line.. he stuttered quite a bit. I uhhhh.. ffff.. well when he first introduced himself about twenty minutes, I mean.. it took about twenty minutes for him to.. hurph.. introduce? Introduce himself. Because he s-stuttered so much. And generally didn't care about, much, if I recall. Remember that, Guy?
UQG: If an adjective follows a noun, the article is placed before the noun, but only if the verb is in the subjunctive. If not, the adjective is repeated before the superlative conjunction.

DAPHNE: Oh, wow! That's the biggest fish flake I've ever seen!

Daphne walks away hurriedly

UQG: Something in that radio's gonna sting!
BOG: The next line... its one of the most memorable in the uh, film.

ALISTER: I'd pry my head off with my pincers if I could..

Fade out

Act III: The Feeding Party[edit]

Leonard, a jellyfish, and Cecilia, a baby sea turtle, are introduced to the tank

BOG: You can al-ala.. almost, see my hand there as I drop in, siiigh.. the fish. The fish; jelly! Jellyfish.

LEONARD: Oh Ali, thank you ever so much for inviting us to your lovely party. What shall we be dining on this evening?

ALISTER: The same thing we always feed upon, Leonard...the food that is, of the sky...

LEONARD: Oh wonderful! Cecelia loves food that she doesn't have to work hard for!

BOG: This s-scene is more.. whats the word.. oh, interesting. Interesting because it shows.. cough.. Alister in a more casual atmosphere environment. Not always tortured by the flakes.. Guy, you did some rather interesting c-c-camera, ah, filming? Yes, you did an interesting.. filming..
UQG: But he was still hungry, and went downstairs for some wheat thins and juice, lest he be awake all night by the sound of his stomach's growl..
BOG: Some of the.. the.. well, actors I suppose.. they were a bit uncomfortable with the um.. dialogue in this portion. I ahhh, I remember one of those Smith people saying something like "I am a bit uncomfortable, with um.. the dialogue, here." Yes, that discussion, uh, did take place at some point.. I guess we worked it out..

Alister looks at Cecelia, who is swimming on the other side of the tank

ALISTER: Christ Leonard, that girl must be 6 months old at most! how can you bring yourself to date a girl half your age?! Do you have no morals? No sense of right and wrong?

LEONARD: Its love, Ali!


LEONARD: Daphne isn't a lobster!!


BOG: Another interesting ah.. piece of dialogue here.. we're getting, closer to the point that shows.. loudly sips water.. it shows that our Alister isn't p-perfect. Or rather, that he is perfect. No uh, actually I was right the first time..
UQG: The hallway still smelled vaguely of the vomit, even after several weeks.

LEONARD: Alister Kane Burlington Harthswallow, you are currently INSULTING ME and I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!

Alister lapses into a philosophical mood

ALISTER: But what is right and wrong, Leonard? We say we know the difference, but how can we? How can we know anything? If the teachings of epistemology are right, then there IS no knowledge, and all our simplified theories and beliefs are inherently wrong. What are we, my dear Leo? Why are we here?

LEONARD: Are you INSANE? Do you think preaching some ridiculous theory to me is going to undo the UNFORGIVABLE insult you just dealt me?

BOG: Here c-comes the uh...the t-turning point of the story...the ah...vision. This whole 45 minute exposure to mania, I thought, very interesting. Its almost total Guy doing this, I-uh, I hardly touched this footage.
UQG: If God didn't want them sheared, he would not have made them sheep!

Leonard has had enough. He attacks Alister and stings him

ALISTER: AAAAHHH!! Oh sweet death, take me away... take, me... away...

Cecelia swims over

CECELIA: ...care for a worm flake?

LEONARD: Thank you darling, I'd love one.

BOG: That last, line, was what we call, in Hollywood, "foreshadowing." It is a err clears throat loudly device aa.. that clues in the viewer to something. Something later on. This uhh, this foreshadow clues you into the future.. because later of course, again, no one cares. Sadly...
UQG: Has any driver in your household been in two or more accidents or received two or more moving violations in the past three years?

Act IV: Ali's Dream[edit]

Alister fades out of consciousness, entering a dark, psychedelic dream world. He is alone in the tank.

ALISTER: Has it happened? Am I really on the other side? Have I passed into death? Where is everybody? Hello? HELLO?! Anyone?

BOG: 'This can't be heaven' he says in a second. I arr, um, that line is a subtle reference also to Galai Antonieto's silent film "M'lo de Gratismo." You shouldn't uh, believe that statement though, being that I just eh, eh.. made up that movie, and the-aahh, director also..

Walks towards the glass

ALISTER: This can't be heaven... I'm still in the box...

Bits of fish food begin to sink into the water

BOG: Here comes Alister's big, ah.. big piece of dialogue...We real, really wanted to uh show the confusion.. sigh..
UQG: Through all the ups and downs I say, that this really is my special day!
BOG: What's that, Guy?
UQG: Lemon called the MOO?
BOG: Oh okay just some more nonsense..

ALISTER: Oh lord, the food. The life source.. But oh, the isolation, here alone! I don't know what to do...I'M FREAKING OUT MAN!!! Is this what death is? TOTAL ISOLATION? WILL I SPEND ETERNITY STARING LONGINGLY AT THE SALAD BAR, WITH NOBODY TO SHARE MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS WITH? OH, THE MELODRAMA!!!!!!

Alister's surroundings dissolve and his heroes flash before his eyes: Freud, Jung, and Plato, among many others. The scene then dissolves completely in to a 45-minute mash of 3 second film clips, all of them disjointed and most of them in foreign languages. The sequence reaches its culmination with a collection of rapid-fire clips of people washing dental equipment.

BOG: I felt like the um, part here with this crazy mess of film.. I felt it wouldn't c-c-con--uh, connect with the eeh, viewers of the picture. Mostly because it is rather ridiculous, and reminded me of a-eh, time, when I was ingesting heavy amounts of the uhhh, peyote.. Rememember that scene in, siiiighhhh.. um, "Willy Wonka." The chocolate factory movie.. yes, the tunnel, that is what um, I mean. It reminds me of it. That.
UQG: They were on the verge of potentially losing accounts; Internet services were not ready for its business guests who were heavily accustomed to high-speed service providers.
BOG: Here comes the uh.. sigh.. the real turning p-point for this.. this uh.. that is, the beginning of.. Alister.. siigh, ahhh.. one of my colleagues in genius describes it, likening it to Kant's theory of the Ego and the em, Superego. I uh, haven't read the book yet, but I do um, plan on it..

Suddenly, the stream of subconscious images assailing Alister's mind abruptly stop, and he is back in the tank, but none of his friends and companions are there. Floating above him is a very old, wise-looking pufferfish.

ALISTER: Who are you?

A: I am he. And he, is I. And he is also A, prophet to those who seek his answer.

ALISTER: A? Isn't that the guy who makes those cool weapons for James Bond?

A: No, child, that would be Q. We're actually related by marriage...but that's beside the point. I have revealed myself in order to bestow the gift of leafy-green grandeur upon thee.

ALISTER: You know of my salad dreams?

BOG: A, the uh, fish, pufferfish.. well uh, he started actually as a manatee, in the uh, first version of the only draft of the screenplay. I think, ahhhh, Smith #29 was our production coordinator. He failed in men-entioning the p-rossible problems with, uh, that. I now am one of, I uh, think 3 people.. sigh.. 3 people who have a pet manatee. Mine is, as I said, named Snooty.
UQG: She was very high strung, my mother. Very dramatic. Every night to her was a night at the opera..
BOG: I know Guy. I know.

A: I am he who is The Knower. (pause) It is perfectly normal for you to dream of salad, my son. The bar is the ultimate center of peace and happiness in the universe. For it is amongst the fields of baby carrots and alongside the blue cheese rivers that our kind may achieve nirvana. The sea of greens, glistening atop the brightly-shining refrigerated metal surface; it is the meaning. That which we may call home.

ALISTER: It all sounds so glorious..

A: It is glorious. That is why I told you about it. But Alister, I am not long for this existence. I have inspired many, and awoken great souls through the message from on high. But now, it is your turn Ali. It is your turn to become he who is with higher purpose.

BOG: This scene, to me.. well.. its one of my um, favorites. No, actually let me interject something here: I actually don't like this, this, uh, part, but only because of the lighting. Or rather, eh.. the lighting in this part, I like rather, little.. of.
UQG: Not in Cuba, he didn't!!!
BOG: ..siiiiiigh.. College students are always arguing. Arguing, mainly, that is, debating, er.. they talk regularly about whether this really happens, to Alister, or if uh.. cough.. it was just a dream.. sequence. I remember I once went to lecture about directing in.. Myanmar? Yes, a college there. Or perhaps it was New York.. that is, a erm.. well a school.. school, for filming. A filming college, or, a college of uh.. cinematography.. cinematographology? Well a um, student, he asked me.. she? He asked me if I.. uuuuuuuh.. had intended this scene to be a dream, hallucination.. actual, physical, um...experience? Unfortunately, he was.. sigh.. impatient, I suppose. He ended up throwing a beer at me, midsentence. I told him.. erhmm.. 'I uh, cannot very well answer, this um, query, whilst trying to c-catch flying beers.. Your aim is, rather poor, I suspect, as you missed my mouth, completely.' Then he mooned me.. if I recall.

ALISTER: A higher purpose? All my life, I have searched for a purpose...something to strive for, something to become! A bastion of reasoning inside this cruel, cruel glass cage of nothingness! But master, why must you leave me? You could come with me!

A: No my son, I cannot. For like all of our souls, the soft-skinned hands of the angels are soon to grasp me; to hoist me out of the waters and deliver me unto the fields of asparagus and spinach leaves. It is your turn now. Awaken Alister. Awaken and impart the promise of the salad bar unto the world! GO!

UQG: You say it! Say it before God and all the bones of the saints!

Pause, silence.

A: I mean like, now! Go already!!

Act V: Alister Returns[edit]

Alister wakes up, returned to the tank; Daphne stands over him anxiously

ALISTER: No need to worry, Daphne. I'm fine.

BOG: Ah well here we are.. This is, um.. clears throat loudly.. this is the b-beginning of the third section.. second? Anyway.. brilliant d-dialogue, of course. The Smith, ah, who played Dorothy.. er.. Daphne.. right? He was a little hoarse during this recording session. We figured out what, ah, how to deal with it. Eventually. Some c-cough drops, or a throat losange or something..
UQG: Was it, though?
BOG: ..sigh.. This was, uh, a sah-se.. a s-.. scene where, uh.. Give me a minute, it'll come back to me ..cough..

DAPHNE: Oh, that’s good. Could you roll over, you passed out on top of some leftover worm flakes.

ALISTER: Daphne, forget all about these barely sustaining fish flakes! EVERYONE! EVERYONE!!!

A few other inhabitants of the tank gather around

UQG: That, my friend, is a matter for feminist academics to debate.
BOG: I can see where you're coming from, on that one.

ALISTER: Friends, listen to me. I've had a revelation! A vision! A spiritual encounter that has completely redefined my life! (yelling) MY FRIENDS AND BRETHREN, I BRING YOU A MESSAGE FROM THE MIGHTY BLOWFISH A, THE GREATEST SPIRITUAL PHILOSOPHER OF THIS CENTURY!!!

The gathered creatures begin to disband, wandering aimlessly

BOG: You can really feel it in this act. Or sequence. It was br-brilliantly written. Brilliant, my god.. It shows.. hunh.. vacancy. The lobsters soul, a perplexing web, but still, vacant! How vacantly they.. that is, the other am.. animals.. were. Alexis.. Alister, that is.. he's in for the struggle. He can't break, you know, from it just yet. Uphill climb.. up hill.. Yes, this scene is very melancholy..

ALISTER: There is no longer any need to fear about whether or not our lives have any meaning, my friends! The truth is, we all DO have a purpose! Life may not be too great for us now, but we all have a common DESTINY, and that is, the wondrous salad bar!

UQG: Like a freak, he said. Like a freak.. FREAK! Freak.. and so forth.

DAPHNE: Can you stop yelling now, Alister? You're going to give me a migraine!

ALISTER: Good grief, woman? Don't you realize what I'm talking about here? This matter is more important than such earthly annoyances as headaches! I'm talking about the very meaning of it ALL! We might be bored out of our minds now, but someday we will all reach that paradise above all others, that wondrous spiritual realm, the SALAD BAR! There, we will feast on the cherry tomatoes of the Gods! Onions from on high!! The food that will soothe and cleanse our weary souls: that food is SALAD!

DAPHNE: Are there worm flakes at the salad bar?

UQG: I said to him, I said, 'If you think I'm gonna pay forty dollars extra for you to repair my sump pump when your brochure says there's a discount, I'll have to take my patronage elsewhere!
BOG: This portion of the dialogue was written after I uh, I was meeting with John Ford. We had played polo, oh I don't know, somewhere in Ireland I think... he said, "Peter, my uh, dearest friend, you need to let the characters express themselves. Right now, you're expressing. They're not expressing. So uh, stop expressing for them!" Hah, such a wonderful, man.. great advice too, since it worked, uh, perfectly for the most part..

ALISTER: WORM FLAKES? Christ, no Daphne! I'm talking about heavenly, soft, delicious, fat-free--

DAPHNE: So there aren't any worm flakes at the salad bar?

ALISTER: No, none of those awful worm flakes that have caused the stagnation of our metaphysical--

DAPHNE: Doesn't sound that great to me, Ali...

ALISTER: Damn it Daphne...if you weren't a woman I'd slap you.

BOG: There it is.. the, erm.. climactic, ehh, breaking point for the lobster. Look at the face; you can, see the despair. My good friend, masterful swordsman by the way, uh, Orson Welles once told me that he found the scene, brilliant.. brilliantly.. brilliant.. sigh.. brilliantly filmed, this scene was. Oh, right, Orson. He said.. said: 'Pete, I've got to hand it to you, that solo speech by Alister in Act Five really, was, brilliant.' And naturally, I said, 'of course it was! And I love Citizen Kane, Orson!'

Alister walks away, to the solitary corner of the tank, where he was born

ALISTER: Oh mighty A, what if the world isn't ready for your message? Or worse; what if they are not deserving?? I want to give the gift of knowledge, but they don't seem to understand! Even Daphne, my obligatory love interest, cannot see past the useless, tasteless dreck we're force-fed every day. Lord, you've shown me the way, and I wish to serve; but now, you must show THEM!

UQG: Wash wash wash, wash wash grand-can-yon, wash wash wash, wash wash wash wash!
BOG: That's not even a quote, Guy! Not a quote, you just made that little song up, uh, just now. Right here, I saw.. it.
UQG: Are they available for hamsters in a similar vault?
BOG: Oh! here.. damn it, I mean.. we're almost.. AH! The climax of Alex.. Alister's despair.

Alister waits expectantly. Nothing happens.

ALISTER: (Wailing) Oh, fortune, why must you abuse me so? I finally meet my purpose, embark on the path before me, and yet all my hopes of making a difference are being shattered by the ignorance of my peers! I Beg you, mighty A, MAKE THEM SEE!!!

Act VI: The Sign[edit]

Minutes have passed, and Alister's cry has still not been heeded. He curls up in a ball in the corner, despairingly.

ALISTER: (to himself) Maybe I am useless...perhaps it was all a hallucination... a passing subconscious attempt to bring a spark of joy to my tattered soul... yes.. life really is purposeless after all...

BOG: We had a rather tough, or "difficult" time with this scene, ahh.. the crab kept entering and exiting the shot, rather inconvenient for us, am.. I remember one of those men named Joe Smith getting very upset on this day.. Remember that, UQG?
UQG: How could you even THINK that that was an appropriate thing to say!?

Just then, a passing waiter carrying a monstrous bowl of fresh salad stumbles and loses his balance. He recovers from his fall, but not in time to save the appetizer; the entire bowl spills into the tank. Alister, still lying in the corner, does not notice.

BOG: The waiter, ah, in this scene was a good friend of mine, named Alonzo.. uh, we had met in Bahrain, though, I.. I don't particularly remember.. sigh.. anyway, he was having, ahhhh, trouble with the bowl at times. He wasn't, ahhh, a uh, very good shot, as they say. Still, a worthy performance... and a tight little ass..


Alister, upon hearing her screaming, looks up.

ALISTER: What! Could it possibly be? (pause) Salad?

UQG: If candy were made of metal, well, that just wouldn't be much fun at all now would it?

A black olive drifts towards Alister, landing in front of him.

ALISTER: (tastes olive) Oh, mighty A! It IS salad!! And it's 500 times more heavenly than I ever expected (with half the calories)!!! All praises be!

BOG: This point in the uh, film making praa-process, I was getting a little frusss.. a little, uh, angered with the cast. They uh, didn't want to eat the salad. I uh, thought about something like, beef, but, sigh.. it would've killed the cast. Whatever. I didn't use beef.
UQG: Run to London in small groups of just three students and even linear English!
BOG: siiiiiighhh..

Alister glances at his tank-mates, who are cowering in a corner, terrified of the vegetables that have entered their underwater lair. He approaches Daphne, who is gazing, horror-stricken, at the carrot sitting in front of her.

DAPHNE: Is it going to eat me? Help Ali!!

ALISTER: (laughs) Oh of course it's not going to eat you! This, young Daphne, is the food that we are destined to spend eternity eating! Lush, green salad! Everyone who tries it loves it! Eat you silly girl, eat!!

BOG: This scene is a turning point, that is.. an actual part of the film, where you know things are going to.. change. Pretty soon we meet the villain.. some call him the antihero, I call him the villain.. he is, ahhh, the villain of the story, of course, called Derek.. Dennis? He is perhaps my favorite.. erm.. character, of this piece. Actually.. no no, I'll stand by it..
UQG: The prettiest sight in this fine, pretty world is the privileged class enjoying its privileges.

DAPHNE: (looks at carrot, perplexed) ...this isn't a worm flake...

BOG: Mmm.. I had some, minor difficulties coming up with dialogue.. siiiiigh.. scene, this one. Um, one of the Smith people offered me some, assistance which I, uh, turned him down, immediately.. if I recall. He might've even gotten fired for that, I don't rem-member. He had some rather p-preposterous ideas, something about a car chase and a violent love scene.. I said something like 'I am a director sir. I am a man of wealth and taste!' I had been drinking, ahhh, wine that evening, and rocking out to The Stones, um, rather heavily..

ALISTER: Of course it isn't! It hails from the land of splendor across the great divide! The mighty cosmic ruler has delivered it from the salad bar to those who are worthy! Eat!!!!

Daphne nervously approaches the carrot, and uses a pincher to shred off an extremely small piece. She slowly eats it.

ALISTER: Well?? What do you think?

Daphne crunches down the rest of the carrot eagerly. Alister is ecstatic.

ALISTER: (to the entire tank of animals) Brothers and sisters, return to my side! Our young, sweet Daphne has just experienced a soul-changing revelation! She has taken her first, timid bites of the generous offering from our lord on high, and that is, of course, salad! Come, all of you! I want you all to taste the unfathomable delights of our Shangri La!

UQG: Alister is a very philosophical character.
BOG: What?!

All of the various small crustaceans and fish approach the bits of salad, except for another lobster named Dennis, who holds back. All of the other animals start munching on the various vegetables, and the general excitement in the tank starts building up.

ALISTER: This is a truly miracle! A miracle I previously would never have thought possible! Let us feast on the food of our future!

BOG: Wasn't that quote a little.. uuuuuuuhhhh.. related?
UQG: Oh shit! It was, wasn't it?
BOG: Quick! Well.. don't rush TOO much, or you'll come out with something below par.. which reminds me of something Orson Welles once said to me.. ahhhh.. Well I forgot what I was going to say, nevermind. Anyway, perhaps you should think of something related.. that is, something UNrelated, I meant to say.. You can say it, and uh, that will make up for your mistake...
BOG: Ahh, that was much, uh, nicer, good show..

The other animals cheer, and they all rush in to feast, except Dennis.

LEONARD: (a piece of lettuce protruding from his mouth) Wow, Alister! This stuff is good!

BOG: This is.. siiiiiigh.. where the s-story starts to float, into a kind of, um, direction.. that is, gradually drifting away from the uh.. part, or portion, of the story that is remind-- uh, reminiscent.. reminding me.. sigh..pause It's inspired by one of my f-favorite films, other than my own films, of course, and that is My Dinner.. Yes, With Andre. Whenever a reporter asks me what.. um, oh yes.. what my favorite film is, I always say: 'well, I.. I like the uh, Cranberries, or Grapes, of Wrath, and uh.. Grand Canyon. Sometimes, they'll say something, like uh, 'is that the one with James Spader?' and, I have to say 'No.. though James is quite a fine, um, performer.. it is actually a different film, though..' I especially like.. erhmm.. My Dinner. With Andre, that is.
UQG: The patient has cardiovascular disease, and may be liable to experience hyperlipidemia within the next eight months.

ALISTER: And this is nothing, my friend, nothing compared to what is in store for us all!

The other animals are listening intently now.

BOG: Something that the general, um, movie going public might uh, or might not actually know, is that this Unrelated man.. uh.. he's made other films. Even before this one. I actually, eh, hat- hate, hated most of them. Actually I'd probably, um, say I horted all of them. Hated. Especially one, a rather long one, involving a bush.. or some sort of shrubbery.. I don't know, it was a, uh, negative experience for me, as a film maker, and as a genius..
UQG: Logically, doesn't it make sense to want your pelvic region to be just as sterile as your flatware?
BOG: Hunh.. that actually, kinda.. Oh! Here comes Donald!

ALISTER: You think this is good, wait to you transcend to the plane of existence that is, the salad bar! Imagine this feast, except with five times more variety! I'm talking about blue cheese dressing, that comes in both normal and fat-free varieties, ranch dressing, crunchy little bread squares! Have you ever tasted beets? Bell, Habañero, AND Red Hot Chili Peppers?! So much delectable goodness, it boggles the mind!

DENNIS: (stepping forwards, towards Alister) HOW DAAAAARE YOU!!! Fish flakes are what have kept us alive for as long as my ancestors have inhabited this tank! Not no damn SALAD! That aint my culture and heritage! I won't sit by and watch you speak blasphemy, boy!

BOG: I like this character, Donald.. Dennis.. I like him because you can uh, really mess with the lines. I of course had no need for messing with anything, however, as the lines were written perfectly the, um, first time. In the first draft. But regardless, if a.. a.. less, um, talented genius were attempting this story, he, uhh.. he'd be a great character to give, um, different lines to. How much longer is this movie anyway?

The other animals ignore Dennis, continuing to feast

DENNIS: Alister, you are a despicable traitor! Fish flakes were good enough for your parents, and they should be good enough for YOU, too! What would your father think?!?!

UQG: Now you can search for videos from ALL top hosting sites!

ALISTER: Did you actually taste the salad?

DENNIS: Of course not!

BOG: The symbology in this, part.. how can I describe it. Its actually magic. Its magic, because you don't see it. It's there, underneath.. its well, a symbolic, symbol.. of um, symbolism. Oh ha, that fish wasn't supposed to be in the shot..
UQG: Oh, this is the Hot Chicks Room. It's filled with assorted hot chicks, who party in here 24 hours a day. But you'd be more interested in the kitchen.

ALISTER: Then how can you condemn it?

DENNIS: Because it is EVIL! You should be a good boy and fear what you don't understand! But no, you need to push this malarkey on the rest of the tank, well I will have no part of it! Watch your back boy, your days of spewing garbage are NUMBERED!

Dennis walks away in anger

Act VII: The Proposal[edit]

A human walks up to the tank, and dumps in some worm flakes. They sink to the bottom, and go completely untouched. Dennis walks up and starts munching on them.

ALISTER: Partake in the glory of salad, Dennis! I made sure we still had some saved after the feast, so we could continue to nurture our spiritual beings. Why not try some of these heavenly greens and stop eating those meager worm flakes?

DENNIS: MEAGER?! You're soiling your father's grave Alister! He worked hard EVERY DAY to keep flakes in your big mouth, and how is he repaid? His son sullys the waters of our blessed home with satanic fairy tales, and stories from behind the iron curtain, and--

BOG: I hadn't yet realized the uh, cultural ramifications of this... portion. Alister, the um, main character here, he is really trying to make you understand, um, the uh, feelings he feels. Feelings, he's trying to express.. uh.. express to the other, character.. that other lobster.. It was almost, ahh, almost like myself, as a genius, being forced to see my Unrelated part- uhh, partner, as a filmmaker. Or more as a, ahhh.. person, sigh.. a person who makes films, with reels, of film. Once I, um, naturally rejected this notion, I think the production kicked into capacity. Or full swing, rather..
UQG: I AM KIROK!!!!!!!
BOG: This was one of the p-parts where.. siiiiiiiiiiiigh.. The quotes fellow, he did one of those.. erm.. those ridiculous shots where he pointed the film, uh, the camera.. he pointed it at one of the corners of the bowl, there. Yeah. He k-k-kept working against our, erm.. formula? The one we'd, agreed upon. Earlier. I'd say, "let's do a shot of the lobster and the little turtle next to each other," and he'd, ahh.. siiiiigh.. you know, uh, say something about, Singapore, or toothpaste or something.. I'd look at the film and it would be a shit.. a shot.. well, shit-shot, I guess, ha.. Oh, a shot of an empty corner of the uh, the tank. And I'd say, "You know what I call that, Mr. Quotes Man?" What was it, when I say, uh, said that, Guy?
UQG: During the night of May 27-28, 1956, my wife woke me up and said, "It's time to go."
BOG: See, this is what I mean, uhhh.. So anyway, I would, or uh, said that.. yaaaawn.. I'd say it was a "luxury shot," which is a uh, term used by filmmakers, of a genius caliber.. Of course, he'd say some.. erhmm.. unrelated, thing.. and uh.. then I'd sayyy, "I hate luxury shots! Films are not about comfort, or for that matter, enjoyment!" Then I'd get in my limo and ride home for the day, generally in my hot tub, while enjoying oh, martinis or something other equally delicious beverage. I'd reflect, on my brilliance, and rem-..uh...remember my close friend, Orson Welles. I would sometimes view a-uhh, a movie, perhaps His Girl Friday.. or something. It now dawns on me that this, um, commentary thing, would've been much more enjoyable from within a hot tub..
UQG: It wasn't him, Charley, it was you. Remember that night in the Garden you came down to my dressing room and you said, "Kid, this ain't your night. We're going for the price on Wilson." You remember that? "This ain't your night"! My night! I coulda taken Wilson apart! So what happens? He gets the title shot outdoors on the ballpark and what do I get? A one-way ticket to Palooka-ville! You was my brother, Charley, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them dives for the short-end money.
BOG: Was that On the Waterfront?!!!
UQG: Huh?

ALISTER: If you insist on being closed-minded, then fine. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the broccoli..

BOG: That line is, um, in-teresting.. because Alister is starting.. siiiigh.. He's beginning to talk like, erm.. a religious.. oh, mmmmm.. slurps water again.. That is to say, he's starting his life, as a prophet. A religious.. one.

DENNIS: HEY! Just because I'm dismissing you without even considering what you have to say doesn't mean I'm closed-minded!

UQG: It was not that I thought this state unmanly, Son of Aegeus, nor ill-governed, either; rather I did this thing in the opinion that no one here would love my citizens so tenderly as to keep them against my will...and surely, I thought, no one would give welcome to an unholy man, a parricide, a man with whom his mother has been found!
BOG: That sounded almost related, uh.. was it?
UQG: Spackle?
BOG: Ah, okay.. no then.

ALISTER: Look into your heart, old man. It is you who is he who is the loser outter..

Alister walks away, over to Daphne

BOG: About this next, little, um.. passage. Well, some people, aahh, they've said to me "Peter, is this a reference to some film? Like, one called, um, Lebronski?" I've never heard of this um, film, that the people ask about.. sigh.. They tell me there is a man, with a beard.. two men, beards.. um, bowling.. Let me just say, I, uhh, I do not reference films I have not viewed. And I have seen, well, every good film, made, ever.. so in retrospect, uhhhhh, it would be impossible for this film, to be good. And referenced, by me. So no.

ALISTER: It's funny, Daphne.. With my revelation and the sign from on high, I can look back on a life of achievement... on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome. I've accomplished more than most lobsters, all while under a heavy winter coat of melancholy.. What... What makes a lobster, Daphne?

BOG: Here c-c-comes the uh.. blossoming, uh, romance. This is one of my masturb-.. um, master scenes.

DAPHNE: Lobster meat?

ALISTER: (ignoring Daphne) Maybe it's Dennis that's getting me so depressed...well, I know that's part of it, but there's something else... Strong lobsters also cry, Daphne...

DAPHNE: Maybe you just need to take a crap!

BOG: As an.. an.. uhm.. siiiiiiiiiigh.. you know, as an interesting side note, people.. Regularly, um, ever-eager college students, they ask me where the title of this film, uh, came. From. There's a very uhn, uh, interesting story behind that. The title, I mean. Yes. Anyway, uhm.. pfffffff.. where was I going with that one.. oh, the title? Right? Ahh, well yes, they ask me about, it, and I um, tell them. That's about the gyst of it.

ALISTER: WHAT!?! NO! Jesus, I need...companionship!

DAPHNE: What the hell is that?

UQG: Damn crows! How am I supposed to work with goddamn crows?

ALISTER: It's LOVE, Daphne! I need love!

BOG: Ah, love.. I wanted, in this scene, to capture the love that I feel for a great man named John Ford, who I uh, mentioned earlier on, there.. Um, John is, perhaps, the only other genius, on the planet. Besides myself. And Orson Welles, also a genius.. But John knows, um, both of us, so together, uhhhhh, I think we're actually the holy trinity. The holy filmmaking trinity. Which is also why I'm wearing this bishop's hat.. and robe.
UQG: These are NOT your grandfather's hearing aids!!!

DAPHNE: I have some love!

ALISTER: (suddenly understanding) YOU DO?!

BOG: This entire scene, um, was edited to give a feeling of timelessnessessity.. um, to represent.. represent, ahh, a love, some.. abstraction.. in a place where time, and um.. time.. were nonexistent. Because isn't that love, really?
UQG: My nipple is bleeding.
BOG: Ugh, uh, a bit much there, um, Guy..
UQG: 'Cause I've been blastin and laughing so long that even my mama thinks that my mind is gone!
BOG: Understandable..


ALISTER: Oh Daphne, you've made me the happiest lobster in all the world!


ALISTER: Us darling! I'm so glad you want to be my bride!

DAPHNE: When did that happen???

BOG: The Smith men did a subpar job, uh, here. With the voices.

Dennis pops up out of the blue

DENNIS: THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!!! (turns to face the other animals) What did I tell you people? I told y'all, I've been telling ya all along, this Alister is a trouble maker! NOT ONLY does he want us eating these foul, newfangled vegetables, NOW he's telling us that inter-species marriages are actually acceptable! HE'S RUINING OUR TRADITIONAL WAY OF LIFE!!! What'll he be saying next, "Let's try and escape from the cage? Let's try and get to the OCEAN?"

UQG: Stop with the vague biblical references please, Mr. Muldoon..

ALISTER: Please, Dennis, be sensible! Embrace the light vinaigrette!

BOG: Oh good advice, um, by that lobster.. I embrace, uhh, the vinaigrette regularly, as um, it compliments.. sigh, compliments the salads that I personally enjoy.. Chef's salad, usually, I suppose..

DENNIS: NO! I won't let you brainwash me!

ALISTER: It is you who are the he who is brainwashed! You refuse to even consider--

BOG: Ah, he's getting mad now, here..


ALISTER: --what other people--


ALISTER: --are trying to tell you?


BOG: Now, ahhhh, in the script, that part was a sligh- uhh, slight bit, slight different.. Umm, it was a, ahh, written differently. I almost wanted to cut it, seeing as it wasn't the way I wrote it, and had we had the time, I might have. Cut it that is. This, ahhhh, this was a bit late in the schedule, and I really, sigh.. I just wanted to get home, to begin drinking..

ALISTER: (indicating a bit of carrot in the corner of the cage) look, just try a piece of carrot, okay? Just give it a try. If you still condemn me afterwards, I'll accept that you're views are unchangeable. But until you choose to see the bigger picture, no one shall ever accept your shameful accusations! It's like Plato once said--

UQG: Give a man a fish, he'll eat the fish. Give a man a sandwich.. well.. he'll probably eat the sandwich, also..
BOG: I don't know if that's how that one goes, Guy.

DENNIS: I will NOT consider that I might be wrong, because I KNOW that I'm not!


BOG: Ah, the uhh, massive, masterful turn around. God, the genius just, um, seeps through.. Like a leaky pipe or something, something holding so much genius it simply, cannot, be contained.

DENNIS: (hesitates) Um...ALRIGHT FINE! I'll taste. But only to prove that it tastes immoral, its indecent, and its nothing like the great worm flakes that deserve our love and respect!

Dennis aggressively bites the carrot, sappy music swells

DENNIS: Wow... it tastes... it tastes... IT TASTES... pretty damn good, actually!

The animals in the cage all cheer, except for a few of them who have become distracted by their own reflections in the glass at the side of the cage.

BOG: Ah, marvelous. Simply breathtaking
UQG: The spirit of David Mancuso lives on in the hearts of disco fans everywhere.

ALISTER: You like it?

DENNIS: Of course I like it?

BOG: Again, I remember, um, this being a little different.. I was drunk already, most likely.. I don't know what the Smith persons were doing, here.. Irony, or something..

ALISTER: Would you marry me and Daphne?

DENNIS: Not sure if I could marry both of you, but I'd love to try...

UQG: In the desert sun, every step that you take may be your final one.

ALISTER: No, I mean, get us married together! Conduct our wedding service!

BOG: This part, um, isn't very fun. It is, uh.. rather drab. I remember...siiiiigh...I believe it was during the flin...filming of this very s-scene that UQG's wife, who was also his mother and half sister, if I recall...COUGH!...showed up to uh...observe her son. Husband. Something like that. She was rather attractive, if I recall. I considered...erm...having sexual...uh...intercourse with her. But she failed the written test that I always require before...um...that is, preceeding...I've lost my train of thought.
UQG: The court SAWED the statute from fable circumstances!!!!

DENNIS: Oh, alright you rascal. But afterwards, I wanna hear all about this salad stuff you've been talkin' so much about!

ALISTER: Deal. (turns to Daphne) Alright dearest, it's time to get married!

DAPHNE: Um, okay then..

UQG: Be careful Stanley, this is nothing like the Bronx. The people are crazy; there is no baseball in this country.

Act VIII: The Hands of an Angel[edit]

Daphne and Alister are standing near each other, preparing for the ceremony. Dennis stands in front to them. The other animals are all nearby.

DENNIS: Are you ready to be legally binded to this crab, Alister?

BOG: This is.. hmm.. the climb. Climax. Of the story. Actually, no.. strike that. Act III is the climax. This, ah.. anti.. uh.. that is, this it isn't. This part, is a different part, here..
UQG: I put a pound in there for later tonight. We're just buying a pound, so it'll be served nicely. It's still in the freezer.

ALISTER: Of course Dennis. For it is the will of the salad that the message be propagated, and a child would do just that. Oh, and I love Daphne a whole lot too. Daphne, are you ready to go?

DAPHNE: Wow! That snail over there is super HOT!

BOG: We had an immense.. or rather large.. hmm, small? No, no, it was certainly large.. We.. siiiiigh.. there was an immense amount of difficulty with this, an, uh, I mean.. this scene, as part of the ending. Some businessman or something from Semi-National, films, he showed up and kept trying to get me to do an endorsement deal, uh, for a that Planet Cheese movie of theirs. I declined, of course. I prefer more sophisticated Science Fiction films, like eh, Forbidden Planet, or anything by Roger Corman.. Actually, strike that. I don't like Forbidden Planet at all.
UQG: It's a stitch in time, Robin! That saves nine...the nine members of the United World...Security Counsel!

ALISTER: DAPHNE! We're getting MARRIED! Save your animal lust for the honeymoon!

DAPHNE: Okay, sorry.

BOG: The man did have some good taste.. uh.. in movies. Particularly mine movies. My movies, I should say.. yaaaaaaaaaaawn.. He was particularly fond of Paper Moon. I was upset, ahh, because apparently he hadn't seen my entire filmography. I asked him "How can you be sure that Paper Moon, um, is your fa-favorite? I have over 300 other amazing feature films!" I ended up giving him a list of each and every.. pause.. of my films. I quizzed him the next day. He did, um, okay on the first 100 multiple choice questions, but didn't do too well on the essay.. No, not at all..
UQG: 350 cities in the world, just 30 teeth inside of our heads.
BOG: David Byrne?
UQG: And so on, and so forth.

DENNIS: Fine, fine, lets get this show on the road.

turns to other animals

BOG: We had to cut.. siiiiigh.. quite a bit of Derry.. Dennis, uh, the old one's dialogue. The Smith fellow who played him was having a nervous...episode, or something along those lines, and was consequently doing his lines with all the suck, ahhh, subtlety of.. uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. that gentleman who screams. In the Oxy-Clean commercials.

DENNIS: My fellow crustaceans and assorted sea creatures, we are gathered here in this lovely section of the tank to witness a the lengthy ceremony involved in the sacred bond being tied between two of our companions...

BOG: He did manage to do that line reasonably well anyway. Actually, hold! I'd like to make another interjection: he did a terrible job on the line I'd just mentioned.

Dennis continues his introduction to the ceremony. It is temporarily drowned out by an interaction between a nearby waiter and a customer.

CUSTOMER: I've been waiting for 40 minutes and my wife is pregnant! We're freakin' starvin' over here!

UQG: These aren't MAGIC beans, you idiot! Why would you think there'd be magic beans in a can of Campbell's soup!??! It's chicken noodle for Christ sake, you moron!

WAITER: Yes sir, quite sorry about that..

CUSTOMER: My wife will have 50 peel 'n eat shrimp, and I'll have a fresh whole lobster. Medium well, if you please.

BOG: The customer, ah, was based on a person I'd observed in a fast food establishment.. Um, of course I wasn't eating there par se.. sigh.. I was simply there observing.. commoners? You know, regular people. A man, ehhh, uh he ordered a sandwich. A sandwich.. um, that wasn't on the menu, at this restaurant. It felt very real to me.
UQG: Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Look where my hand was. One day a twister comes. Here comes the twister.
BOG: What the hell are you talking about?
UQG: And so for sooth did she and he.
BOG: You know Guy, I can be, um, unrelated as well, do you hear me sir?! Um... ah, well, look at that waiter! He was NOT in any films made by Howard Hawks! NONE! Um.. ah.. Once, I left a quarter, um, on the ground.. for no reason! I um.. sigh.. oh, nevermind..

WAITER: We don't serve it that way here sir..

CUSTOMER: Well how the hell do you serve it?!

BOG: Anyway, the tension in the.. siiiiiigh.. studio was really trying, uh, that is, it was getting tense in the studio. Naturally I exuded my born qualities, um, of leadership and.. ahhh.. lead the team. I wanted to inspire the crew.. crew of the film.. to be impressed. Specifically, I wanted them to be impressed, by me. I made a um, a speech to them.. something along the lines of "Gentlemen, we've got, uh, a job to do here...so, lets, uh.. do that. The job, that is." Those men were rather ignorant. At the time, Guy made a funny joke.. sigh.. involving penguins, I believe.. What was it you said?
UQG: Shoppa boppa doo, shi-bop shi-bop!
BOG: Oh yes, that's the one.

WAITER: Like boiled, broiled, steamed..

CUSTOMER: Ugh, FINE, steamed damn it!

WAITER: Right away... sir.

The wedding ceremony in the tank continues. None of the sea creatures have heard the interaction that just took place. And since they're sea creatures, they can't understand human anyway.

DENNIS: Alister, do you take this crab girl to be your wife, to have, to hold, to cherish....in other words, to tap that ass repeatedly?

UQG: You know....rapists...

Alister opens his mouth, but the words are cut off. Something is looming over the tank, it is a waiter. A human arm reaches into the tank. Most of the creatures scurry for cover. The hand lunges for Alister and seizes him and begins slowly lifting him from the tank.

BOG: (Muffled) Julio, have a bourbon ready for me, I'm, ehmm, uh, almost done here..

ALISTER: (as he's being lifted)Could it possibly be? Oh, friends! It is the prophecy realized! The hands of the angels carry me to the next world! Oh, they really are silky-soft!! Oh the years wonder why! I often asked myself, "is it all just meaningless? Is there no purpose to my life?" But in the last few days, the puzzle of existence has unfolded before my eyes like the grand napkin of nirvana! And from this foray into the ethereal realm, I learned such wonder.. And I have also learned so much from you all, my dear friends! From Dennis, I learned that even the most closed of minds can be opened with the power of salad! From Daphne, I learned patience, and I found the greatest love of all! To my friend Leonard, I thank you for stabbing me buddy, for if it wasn't for your love of underage sea turtles, I would never have had that enlightening vision! I would never have discovered the bountiful afterlife that awaits us all at the salad bar, and I would, to this day, I would still be pondering questions rather than explaining answers! If it wasn't for you, all of you, I might even be convinced that my life is meaningless, something I now know is totally untrue! I do have meaning! I do have worth! I am so grateful to you all, and now, I bid you farewell! Destiny has chosen some other purpose for me, some new, great mystery I must unlock, or some new level of consciousness I must enter! I love you all, goodbye!!

BOG: Indeed, it really is..

Alister is plucked from the tank, and the waiter carries him off camera. This is followed by a series of disorienting, rapid-fire shots: an oven is turned on, water boils, something is dropped in a frying pan, and a knife is pulled from a silverware cabinet. Then, the screen momentarily goes black, then fades back in on an overhead shot of the salad bar. The waiter approaches the bar, carrying an indistinguishable object, obscured by rising steam.

Camera jumps from the overhead shot to a tight view of the waiter's plate. The steam clears, revealing its contents: Alister -- red, dead, steamed. He is being carried on a platter. The waiter brings him to the salad bar, and proceeds to garnish the platter with salad: carrots, then lettuce, then one orange in each claw, and a dish of blue cheese dressing on the side of the plate.

BOG: A lot of aminal...am..animal rights groups got on our case about this.. siiiiigh.. We didn't cook the real Alister, buh-- because of the Oscar nomination, or something. His agent was pulled a lot of strings for that.. And besides, that would have been cruelty, most likely. Instead, we cooked a kitten that was cleverly disguised as a lobster. Right?
UQG: Some people like cupcakes better. I for one care less for them.

The waiter carries the lifeless, freshly cooked Alister over to the customer.

Back in the tank, Leonard, Dennis, and Daphne are standing near each other.

DENNIS: That was a fine lobster, that boy. I'm telling you, I'll never forget.. um.. what was I talking about?

BOG: There was a little.. that is, um, a bit more... dialogue here. I changed it, only slightly mind you, after it disconcerted a test audience so much that some of them committed. Suicide. I think. Ahh... hmmm, that might have been a different film actually.. huhhh.. yeah, I think that happened with Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women, a film that I think I might have narrated. Or something...

DAPHNE: Forgetting something...?

DENNIS: Hunh... Coulda sworn I was talking about a lobster.. or maybe a crayfish.. I forget..

Camera pans to Leonard

LEONARD: He was my...friend.

BOG: In writing this script, at the time, I was a heavy drinker. That is, I weighed a lot, and also, drank. A lot. It was bad, because I almost forgot that, ahh, these characters actually appeared in the story.. sigh.. Had I, um, indulged if you will...in my fourth Long Island Iced Tea...we might've had to digitally add them in, uh, later...)
UQG: Suddenly there she was, with a dead ferret in her pocket! Naturally, I was shocked.


LEONARD: Oh, no one dearest.. no one.. some would say a hero, some would say a brother, but I --

Some fish flakes float down into the tank, catching the entire tank's attention

DAPHNE: Hey everybody, look! WORM FLAKES!!!!


BOG: Brilliant, every time.. This is a brilliant film, of course. Thanks to me. Especially not thanks to the Smith people..

All of the fish in the tank scurry in to get their fair share of nonsustaining nourishment.

The camera zooms out, focusing on the last remaining crum of salad, a minuscule piece of lettuce sitting in the corner where Alister was said to be born.

Fades out, roll credits.

BOG: Well, that ends.. ahhhhhhh, it also conchords, um, concludes.. uhh.. finishes, erm.. this, what's the word...commentary? Correct. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got, sigh, a number of blogs to respond to.. uh, concerning genius, of course. So that.. uh.. okay then. Where's the fucking off button on this thing?
UQG: Say goodnight Gracie! Goodnight Gracie!