UnNews:Update: John Reid Captured, Found To Be Possessed By Pope Benedict XVI

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 03:57:59 (UTC)

17 August 2006

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LONDON, England — Former British Home Secretary John Reid has been found and captured, the Prime Minister confirmed, spreading a wave of relief over all of England. Reid had apparently gone bat fuck insane over the past week, triggering alarm from medical officials that he might be contagious.

John Reid: Brought to justice, but still insane.

However, nothing could prepare the British populace for the startling truth of the medical diagnosis. "We double-checked our research, and we are still in disbelief about the whole thing," says Dr. Thomas McKean of the British Medical Association.

In a sickening twist almost straight out of "The Testament of Dr. Mabuse", Pope Benedict XVI, former leader of the Roman Catholic Church, was revealed to have been controlling John Reid telepathically from his cell in an insane asylum. Apparently, the Pope had appeared withdrawn for about a week before he was sent away. Now, his doctors are seemingly castigating themselves for not noticing earlier. "He was murmurming about 'haggis'," wailed Dr. Abseed Waleed. "How could we not have known? WAAAHHHH!!!"

Pope Benedict XVI, evil mastermind of the insanity plot.

The British nation itself is also in an uproar about this. "What the FUCK?!" screamed Timothy Horton, a self-proclaimed "conspiracy theorist" from York. "I mean, we've handled papist plots before! That's why we created the BLOODY CHURCH OF ENGLAND!!! MAAANNNN!!!"

Of course, there are no definite answers as to how the Pope managed to get the Home Secretary under his control. But, for now, we can only hope that Mr. Reid will someday surface from under the sinister smoke swirled over his sight by the swarthy Swede. No, wait, Benedict's not Swedish? Fuck! FUCK! FU--aaaahhhh...eeeerrrrrr--I AM JABBERWOCKY-FUCKBEND! LOOOK AT MY GLASS, BATMAN! LOOOOOOOOOOOK! SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWK!!! SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWK!!!!!! SQUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKKKK!!!!!!!!!