UnNews:UnNews Reporter consigned to Special Hell

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 12:17:59 (UTC)
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28 October 2006


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This is not the Hell where Tshell will be going.

LUCIFER'S THRONE, HADES -- Satan (aka "The Devil") announced today that a Special Hell has been reserved for UnNews Reporter Tshell, following his recent article on Parkinson's victim Michael J. Fox.

"Have you read it?" Satan asked, during a press conference this morning just outside the 9th Circle of Hell, "What kind of person could write something like that? I mean, I'm the Lord of Evil and it even made me more than a little uncomfortable."

Supporters of the doomed reporter are claiming that the decision is unfair, and insist that the article is, in fact, funny.

"Well sure, I laughed, yeah," Satan admitted, "But then I felt really, really guilty about it. I think the picture was the clincher though. It was just so wrong, on so many levels."

Satan maintains that his decision was not made lightly.

"Beelzebub thought we should put Tshell in Bolgia 4 of the 8th Circle, with the Sorcerers and False Prophets," Satan explained, "And while I admit that would be kind of funny, it just didn't seem like an appropriate response to me. That was when I hit upon this Special Hell idea, which at the risk of sounding arrogant, is pretty freaking brilliant."

Tshell is not the first UnNews Reporter to end up in Hell, but is the first to be relegated to a Special Hell.

"We have lots of those guys down here," Satan stated, "In fact, several of them publish The Brimstone Gazette... and do a bang up job, I might add. They're mostly just here for minor things though, like blasphemy and poor grammar."

Construction of the Special Hell, which will include a wide assortment of customised punishments, is scheduled to begin next week and is expected to be completed shortly before Tshell's death.

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