UnNews:US to consider Coptic Pope method for 2016 election

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4 November 2012

Native Americans have welcomed the idea in the hope of electing a Red Indian as President. [1]

WASHINGTON, US of A -- Amid revelations that the 2012 Presidential Election has been the most expensive election of all time - with around $2.5bn spent in total - Supreme Court sources are said to be considering replacing the current system (of asking Iowa) with the method used to choose the Coptic Pope.

The method, most recently applied at the start of the month with the election of Bishop Tawadros, involves putting the names of three short-listed candidates in a pot, selecting a boy at random from a group of 15, blindfolding him, and having him pick the name from the pot.

Professor of Economics at USC Joanna Corey said, "There are advantages and disadvantages to this system. The problem here is that the Coptics believe the choice is not random, but God's will, and most Americans either believe in God in only a nominal, abstract sense, or attack religious belief as a symbol of ignorance. Presidents always says 'God Bless America' , but it's just one of those things you say without really knowing the exact etymology of the expression, like, 'We got it going on'."

Saucepot: Humorists have been discouraged from making lame bishop/little boy/blindfold/hand-in-a-box jokes.

She continued, "The upside is that the method means there are still only a few possible candidates, and we can avoid all the mud-slinging and infantile propaganda that is jizzed out during the electoral campaign, and spend all the money we save paying back 0.8% of our national debt to China."

Critics have warned that the Coptic method is not without other dangers, however, and point specifically to the famous election in 1965, when pranksters slipped the name of controversial comic Lenny Bruce into the pot, and the New Yorker became the head of the church until his death the following year.


Sources[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. ↑ The encouraged replacement of this image of a Native American on UnNews is a metaphor for white imperialism.
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