UnNews:US passenger-screening rules change, again

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The news outlet with approval higher than Congress ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 05:14:59 (UTC)
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2 April 2010

The Commander-in-Chief has identified a foreign demographic meriting secondary inspection.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- United States policy on screening passengers at airports is about to change for the first time since the so-called Panty-bomber tried to take down a passenger airplane last Christmas Day.

Formerly, passengers traveling from or through 14 countries with terrorism were all subject to additional screening, such as pat-downs, or penis length measurement by the new full-body scanners. Now, American officials will only pat down travelers who resemble someone they are looking for, in terms of nationality, age, or skin color.

A senior Obama administration official revealed the change, wishing to remain anonymous because this is really secret stuff. According to this source, the nation's color-coded terror watch level, which was at polka-dot, will remain at polka-dot. The source said the new policy will not help Al-Qaeda determine suitable people to use as mules to send bombs into the United States, "because they will never know what types of people we are searching for." The change is good news for tourism from Cuba, Libya, Pakistan, and similar countries.

The opposition political party, whose name could not be determined, reacted immediately. Party chairman Michael Steele was located recently at a bondage-themed strip club. Asked how long it would take Democrats to charge racism if former president Bush had ever announced such a policy, Mr. Steele just gestured at the stage and said, "How about that one? I'd say she warrants a body-cavity search."

Wire services note that the United States does not have the legal power to make foreign governments search any passenger before he gets on the plane in the first place. Just like it does not have the power to break Swiss bank privacy or to order its states to raise their drinking ages. And you heard that right here.

Sources[edit]

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