UnNews:US briefly takes lead in war of religious insults

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Monday, December 11, 2023, 06:15:59 (UTC)

US briefly takes lead in war of religious insults UnNews Logo Potato.png

7 September 2010

This trailer-based sign is the latest peaceful outreach of the Dove World Friendship Center.

GAINESVILLE, Florida -- The United States briefly jumped ahead in the months-long battle between Muslims and Christians to give the other side gratuitous offense, but the Muslims have surged back into the lead.

Islam struck the first blow, with plans to plant a mosque within two blocks of the September 11 attacks in New York City. The blow was a success, as the minority party in the U.S. Congress instantly claimed President Obama was on the wrong side of the American people. The party, whose name was not immediately available, had not shown such energy and unity since it decided to legislate the status of the feeding tube to comatose Floridian Terri Schiavo.

Christianity struck back, as comedian Greg Gutfeld proposed to open a gay bar next door to the "Ground Zero Mosque," reportedly named Suspicious Packages. At one point, he went to Muslim community leaders with his plan. They advised him to consider the feelings of Muslims. At that point, Mr. Gutfeld swept all the round's insult points.

The Christians scored a second straight victory when Pastor Terry Jones, of the Dove World Friendship Center here, designated next Saturday as the first "Burn a Koran Day." No less than Gen. David Petraeus warned that this affront could put at risk American soldiers in Afghanistan, but Rev. Jones was resolute.

Muslims, however, are back in the lead, as a demonstration in downtown Kabul has burned an effigy of both Rev. Jones and the American flag. The United States plans to spend $6,000 million a year in Afghanistan even after withdrawing the Army, and believes that within a decade this "stimulus package" can win over enough Afghanis to possibly tell it where Osama bin Laden is hiding.

The final winner of the contest is unclear, because President Obama is preparing to make foreign policy the theme of his weekly radio address this Saturday. Spokesmen for both religions have announced that they plan to take deep offense at whatever the President says.