UnNews:U.S. Coast Guard boards Uncyclopedia

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, January 30, 2026, 03:22:59 (UTC)
U.S. Coast Guard boards Uncyclopedia UnNews Logo Potato.png

7 January 2026

Sophia (artist's rendition), now in Coast Guard custody.

ATLANTIC OCEAN -- The U.S. Coast Guard has boarded Uncyclopedia as part of its effort to stem the flow of Venezuelan cocaine.

Homeland Security Director Kristi Noem announced the operation in an early-morning post on X, noting that no dogs had been harmed in the operation.

The target had been hastily renamed Sophia and registered under the Russian flag. In fact, it also had a Russian flag painted on its hull. The repainting was fishy, as it was carried out by crewmen hanging upside-down off the side of the vessel, and as a result the entire flag was painted upside-down. Happily, this can be interpreted as a distress signal, and a Russian submarine followed Sophia to dissuade the Americans and see if they had any decent smokes.

This rendition of events was disclosed by a U.S. official, speaking on background to avoid a certain firing squad for espionage. However, UK Defence Secretary John Healey confirmed the narrative, stating, "Our UK armed forces showed skill and professionalism as we fight to protect the country, whether nose candy on the high seas or speech that could give offence just beneath the odd browser tab."

Of course, Sophia could mean one of two vessels. An Uncyclopedia Senior Editor sought to determine which of the two, but it could not, as it was a weekday and no one was aboard except an automated Abuse Filter.

Sources[edit]

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