UnNews:Trump demolishes White House
| Straight talk, from straight faces | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:33:59 (UTC) |
| Trump demolishes White House | 
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7 November 2020
WASHINGTON, D.C. USA -- President Donald Trump has ordered the demolition of the White House, the presidential residence of the United States of America. At a press conference this morning in the partially demolished building, Trump's press secretary Kayleigh McEnany (KM) has explained to the assembled media why this action has been taken.
Foxy News (FN): "Ms McEnany, why has the ex-president done this to a symbol of American democracy?"
KM: "President Trump, having made America great again by being president, has given himself the White House and plans to convert it into a residence suitable for a national hero like himself."
Another Broadcasting Company (ABC): "Does he expect the American people to accept the destruction of a such an historic architectural monument?"
KM: "The White House is long past its use-by date with obsolete references to long gone civilizations in shithole countries and fallacious notions like democracy. President Trump is giving the American people a new symbol of greatness that will enshrine his vision of American greatness into the future."
Corporate National Network (CNN): "Can you describe this vision to us?"
KM: "America deserves to be the richest country on earth, just as President Trump is the richest man once you have removed the fake accounting reported by the media. This richness is not well displayed by classical columns and lots of marble that you can see in any old shithole imperial residence. There will be a lot of golden accents, particularly in the Trump family temple, er, chapel where statues honoring the roles of Trump family members in America's greatness will be erected. A variety of evangelical services can be had on demand."
National Poorfolks Recorder (NPR): "Does this mean gold taps everywhere?"
KM: "A lot more than that. President Trump has ordered Fort Knox to provide the material for accessories that will reflect America's wealth in every part of the new Trump Gold House."
ABC: "Who is going to pay for all this, Ms McEnany?"
KM: "As we speak, President Trump is negotiating with a number of countries that he feels owe America a whole lot of money for making the world safe, free and more American. I understand that Mexico has been a particular beneficiary of the president's policies."
UnNews: "How about a brief description of the plan for the Gold House?"
KM: "It is envisioned that it will represent the American Dream as President Trump sees it. A very futuristic bungalow of 800 rooms, each with its own wide screen television, fully stocked refrigerator and ensuite with jacuzzi and condom dispenser. There will be an underground car park with a capacity of 2000 vehicles and an onsite refueling station supplying the fossil fuel of your choice. All rooms will have a view of the Golden Playground, where residents and guests may pursue their preferred leisure activities.
The entrance will be accessed by a boulevard between two water features decorated with statuary commemorating President Trump's triumphs of diplomacy and domestic well being. The entrance itself will be an expansive panorama of sliding doors with lighting reminiscent of the best shopping emporia. At one end will be placed a revolving door for the staff. The main entrance leads into the Trump Museum in which the history of the Trump family is gloriously illustrated. The entry fee is projected to be quite modest. As visitors leave via the Golden Egress, they may purchase a souvenir firearm and ammunition from the Trump Gun Shop. Prices will be competitive despite the social status gained from owning a symbol of the purchaser's commitment to President Trump's vision for America."
New Yankee Tribune (NYT): "Will the next president be living here?"
KM: "President Trump has generously arranged for a ground level suite in Park Southern Apartments, Washington Heights to house any fake presidents who wish to dispute his continuing leadership. Now we must all leave so that the demolition can continue."
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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |