UnNews:Text Messaging "to replace the police".
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 05:51:59 (UTC) |
| Text Messaging "to replace the police". | 
|
7 March 2007
In another hair brained scheme UK Home Secreatry John Reid has unveiled plans to phase out much of Britains police force to be replaced by a new system of SMS texting by which to remind suspects that they are to report to their nearest court to be charged / tried for their alleged crimes.
"It is time we embraced modern technology in the fight against crime", Reid, who recently bought a 13% stake in Vodafone, said yesterday, "if we can divert much needed funds from the police force into providing much needed profits for Vodafone then that HAS to be a good thing, doesn't it?"
The plan will involve scaling back the police force by 95% by the year 2015 and has been met with predictable derision from the police. Chief Inspector Wossupp was less than impressed with the Home Office proposals, "in principle I see where Mr Reid is coming from but in practice the buffoon needs a f*+cking spike up his arse! I suppose we'll be sending emails to bank robbers asking them to hand back their loot and report to the nearest prison next!"
Other proposals include the use of emails to suspects who are on the run, "for example, if a gang of armed robbers were on the run with a few million pounds we would send them an email asking them to hand back their loot and report to the nearest prison." Reid explained.
A pilot scheme, that has been running in Chester, has been less than a resounding success, "OK, so to date no suspect has responded to our texts and emails but that is no reason to mothball these plans!", a home office spokesman whined last night. One such SMS recipient was fugitive gangland hitman John "Knuckles" McCarthy, who escaped from Chester Prison in 1987. "Knuckles" received a text asking him to return from Brasil, "whats this, some sort of c*nting joke?", he laughed yesterday.
The role of the remaining police force would be to sit at their desks, sending out texts to wanted criminals and suspects, "it would be better than working for a living", Reid laughed maniacally.
Sources[edit]
- R "U". UNDER ARREST, march 07, 2007