UnNews:Sunak captains ship of state past icebergs

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UnFair and UnBalanced UnNews Thursday, March 23, 2023, 05:27:59 (UTC)

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27 January 2023

Captain Sunak: 'There is no need to panic or throw yourselves overboard quite yet.'

MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC -- Captain Rishi Sunak of the HMHS Britannic is successfully navigating his vessel past the Remainer icebergs at full speed, after some 'minor collisions' earlier in the voyage.

"I have full confidence in my navigation methods," said Sunak to his officers. "I took over when Captain Liz Truss had to be relieved of her duties and locked in the brig when she went mad. Captain Boris Johnson had been sacked as captain for spending more time with the ladies than on the bridge. Johnson has agreed to keep quiet unless he wants to join the stokers at Coal Bunker Four. We will get to where we are going, soon enough."

An over-enthusiastic lifeboat drill. Its theme was 'find your rescue vessel in one minute.'

The Brittanic started her voyage in 2019 after quelling a mutiny led by Jeremy Corbyn. The ship lost sight of land in January 2020, then a pandemic erupted on board. At that time, Sunak was merely 5th watch officer, assigned to looking after the luggage, but has since been promoted; after all, his father-in-law owns the ship. The HMHS Britannic has already taken a few knocks but nothing has been fatal or below the waterline so far.

"I am here to reassure everyone. I never panic in a crisis," continued Sunak as he talked to some of the passengers in First Class. "At least in this class. We are the true valuables onboard. I expect we'll make landfall very soon."

Shipping experts expect the HMHS Britannic will soon be in choppy waters. Ship's purser Nadhim Zahawi has hidden all the money in his own safe, whilst the second-in-command, Dominic Raab, is making everyone cry with his bullying.

Another ship, known as HMHS Red Rose, is also in the area and is offering passengers a 'different kind of sea travel' with their captain Keir Starmer.