UnNews:Sinaloa Dance Cartel faces bigger challenges

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4 August 2015

Sinaloas lean, mean dancing machine

CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico --The July 11 escape of Sinaloa Dance Cartel kingpin Alfredo "El Hoochie-Coochie" Sauza might have gotten him out of Mexico's most secure prison, but one of the world's most powerful Lords of the Dance has other, even bigger challenges ahead of him, such as diabetes, obesity, and people taking other people's food from the employee break room fridge.

"My H1AC is wacky, my blood pressure is through the roof, and yes, I knew I surrounded myself with bad guys, but some pendejo stole my carne asada taco plate! I bet was that 'Juan Verde Salsa'! Oooh, am I gonna get that guy!

"I don't know why people eat smores.' Mexican Federal Police Chief Renee Dondeestamos told the Associated Press. "They're goopy. Has anyone seen my sunglasses? I can't find my sunglasses."

It might be a big task. Since Hoochie-Coochie's imprisonment 17 months ago, the waistline of the Mexican Dance Cartel has expanded. "Just today I caught three of them playing 'World of Warcraft'. Video games? Soldiers don't play video games! When I used to climb the rope in Jr. High gym class it made my wee-wee tingle. Did it do the same to you too?"

The nature of the Mexican dance trade has shifted. Although the Minister of Dance and Public Safety was elected party on the strength of his firm buttocks and impeccable heel turns, his time in office has seen several high-profile productions go down in a ball of flames. Most recently; 'Zombies, the Musical', attempted to put a halt to rectangular shaped women participating in Modern Dance. However, some 50 y.o. women in comfortable shoes were cast. "The egg-laying scene is what did us in. Yup. That's what you get for a lack of leadership-crappy Modern Dance".

Sources[edit]

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