UnNews:Schwarzenegger Plans to Mutilate State Controller over Pay Cuts

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Schwarzenegger Plans to Mutilate State Controller over Pay Cuts UnNews Logo Potato.png

12 August 2008

"First I'm going to box your ears. Then I'm going to stab you with my knife. Then I'm going to use you as a human shield. Really."

SACRAMENTO, California --After yet another day of dealing with lawmakers at the California State Capitol, a fed-up Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger stated that he will now begin to rip the arms and legs off of people. Schwarzenegger will be starting with the State's highest ranking Financial Planner, State Controller John Chiang. Reached by phone, the Controller is quoted as saying; "HELLLP ME!! PLEASE!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!!!"

From his office Schwarzenegger had this to say: "You idiots! We are in the midddle of a serious situation! If we don't begin to quit spending money, California, the sixth strongest economy in the world will be bankrupt!"

The Governor looks on in amazement as California State Controller John Chiang suggests that the State Sales Tax be raised to 12% and the fact that although his name is "Chiang", he's not Asian.

"This governmental waste has got to end! We are paying too much to the employees of the Department of Motor Vehicles, Occupational Schools are training people to use Apple II's for God's sake, and worse, the cafeteria in the basement serves me SOY protein powder shakes! I'm sick of all this bickering! You people over there want to save the San Diego Spotted Cricket, you folks over there don't want the price of oil to go down because you don't want anyone to drive cars at all, and the rest of you idiots can't even graduate high school! You're all a bunch of drug-using drop outs!"

"Whoaa there Governator." said San Francisco transgender rights activist/medicinal marijuana activist/ dingbat Arianna Huffington. "First of all, on behalf of all Californians, I resemble that remark...Second of all, I went back and got my G.E.D., and fourth..."

"THIRD!!! THIRD YOU IDIOT!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!" hollered in the Governor, and then he lost it. "That's IT! No more!!! I'm implementing Article 23 of the Constitution of the State of California! This gives me, the Governor, the ability to mutilate you retards one-by-one or in group setting, whichever I choose! And for San Francisco-I choose a group setting!!! Where's Chiang?! Chaing?! I'm coming to get you Chiang! I'm going to rip your head off and shove a Yellow Breasted Sacramento Valley Swamp Moth up your poop-chute! You're going to be my example of what I'm going to do to the rest of this idiot politicians if they don't shape up!"

California is in it's fourth month of a budget impass and the State's coffers are bare. Waste on ineffective social programs and poor financial planning is to blame. Schwarzenegger has done his best to bring the two political parties together, but with little luck as the Republicans want cheap illegal labor and the Democrats want cheap, illegal drugs to smoke. Non-Californians can only shake their heads in wonder and amazement.

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 This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.

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