UnNews:Putin ditches nukes in favour of drugs

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23 September 2022

Putin may even drop the fentanyl on Ukraine himself.

MOSCOW, Russia -- As Russian President Vladimir Putin mobilizes his army to further the invasion of Ukraine, Putin has threatened the world not only with his nuclear arsenal, but with a barrage of fentanyl.

"If the West continues to scheme with the people of Ukraine," Putin said in a live broadcast to the nation. "I will have no choice but to use the weapons at my disposal."

A key development in the Russian arsenal occurred this summer, when U.S. Representative Lauren Boebert (R-CO) filed House Resolution 8030, the "Fentanyl is a WMD Act". "Weapons of mass destruction kill a lot of people," Boebert reasoned. "And so does fentanyl. Ergo i.e., they are virtually the same thing."

The blue helmets of the United Nations may now be forced to finally enter the conflict, as using fentanyl on the battlefield could be considered a war crime.

"If Putin follows through on his word of using fentanyl against the good people of Ukraine," US President Joe Biden stated. "The United States will retaliate by using our own fentanyl on Russia. No joke!"

The Russian army continues to brainstorm ideas to weaponise the drug, including: putting it inside of missiles, inside of bullets, and even dipping their knife blades in liquid fentanyl, and then stabbing Ukraine fighters with them. This idea was shot down as it may cause the stab victim to not feel the wound, possibly making them stay in the fight, or dying peacefully — neither of which is a good thing for the Russian soldier who stabbed them. Another idea that was thrown around was to make smoke bombs using weed. This was also scrapped after tests of the grenades caused the Russian testers testing them to get high and throw a massive rave that hindered Putin's mobilization by a couple hours.

It turns out that asphyxiation during sexual play also kills a lot of people, and it lacks only a Bill in Congress to declare that this, too, is a WMD and elevate the Ukraine conflict to new levels.